The Sun is shining!

Bike ride May 2010


Normally, this fact would make me not smile. However, since losing 80 pounds I tend to like the dryer weather! No, I'll never like it hot outside but not being freezing or seeing my breath in the air makes me think of taking walks and riding my bike. I know, weird huh?! I am even excited about an upcoming camping trip. You see, being a large woman makes you not want to be outside. Being outside is where people see you. People can view your size and if they can view you they, of course, are judging you! This is my thought. Every single minute of every single time I am outside or around people. I fear this. I feel this. I manifest this until it takes over. I hope that I am getting better now, however still seeing my reflection in the mirror brings this back to mind. When I see myself I see all my faults. I do not see anything good, but only the fat and the old and the ugly. I wonder if that will ever change? I fear that it won't and I fear - most of all - that I will fail at this losing weight thing. You can say whatever you want to me but it really does not matter at all because it is what I think in my distorted (as people tell me it is) thought process of my mind. I do realize I need to find some sort of therapy or counseling. But my time is limited and quite frankly I'm just too selfish of my 'free time' to even better myself with it. I might be forced to seek help if things get out of control more so than it is now. Another thought has now passed and ended.