feelings

i wake up every day thinking of you, what you are doing, how you are feeling, the smile on your face, your eyes sparkling. I go through out my day hoping you are well. I still see your smile, even though its been a long time given to me. I smell your perfume and wish that it was applied for me, for my pleasure. I go home from work seeing the apartment complex and wanting to talk to you, to laugh with you, to hug you. I am home at night and until I fall asleep off and on crying for what I've lost. for the good times, even the harder times, but the times we were together. that was when i was in my glory. i really thought we were it forever. i know you closed your heart and shut the door way before you let on to me. but even when you suggested you thought i was smothering you or that you needed space, i didn't really thing it was you kicking me out of your life. i thought that it was because i was going through a hard time understanding what was going on with you pulling away from me and also trying to figure out what was going on with me. i never really thought you would want me out of your life. i truly thought you loved me. i truly believed all those words you said to me. i trusted you that my heart was your home and that you believed in me and supported me. my anguish now, my torment now is beyond hard. most every single day i wish i would disappear or sleep or something would happen to put me out of my misery that I have to endure daily. now, you've blocked me completely. i'm not allowed to even be your friend - the promise you made when you pushed me away - you said you would never do what russ did to me, that i would always be your girl, that you will always love me. but you don't. you went back on everything and i'm alone, without even your friendship. i saw you yesterday and had to pray every step that i would keep my mouth shut. to honor what you want. you want me to go away. i do not know because you will not talk to me. i have to assume that i am dead to you. and most days, i wish i really were.