Done

Went to the Coast this weekend. To be honest, when I made the reservation at the Inn my hopes were that Heather would join me. I know what you all are thinking, but seriously...do you have ANY idea how much I miss my girl?
So, she couldn't get out of her important plans. And I went alone.
Here is the rap up:
The Coast was beautiful.
The people I met on the beach were very kind.
I cried my eyes out all weekend at the memory of what I've lost.
Spent WAY too much money gambling and drinking up a storm.
Couldn't bring myself to doing too much because I didn't want to go alone (comedy show, movie, antique shopping, going on a hike).
So, I walked a lot on 101. I walked a lot on the beach. I soaked up sun while listening to the shore and the waves crash. Packed everything up and was on my way home after taking a few more pictures.

I'm not going to do anything here in Oregon alone again. Its just too sad for me. You can't blame me, really, can you? I've been trying for 6 months to venture out and do what I could. I end up having anxiety attacks, crying, and going back home to bed.
Oregon was to be my home. The place to share with the girl I fell head over heels in love with. She caught my heart early on and 13 years of constant chatter and play and looking into her eyes with the plans we had for our future here and everywhere, well..its over and she has gone on to find her happiness with other people.
I lost.
She's enjoying her friends and her life and with what I assume no thought of me, of us. Not even a friendship.

I hope my sweet heart who I still love beyond explanation has all her dreams fulfilled where the good Lord takes her. Obviously I wasn't the one I thought I was. She slipped away and isn't looking back.
Gawd...I miss her.
With every street, every sky, every sun up, every sunset, every street sign, every store, every mountain view, every road I travel....I'm reminded of what I lost. Big loser I am.
Sure, I've grown to appreciate me, what I CAN do. What I've managed to salvage and find in myself. With time....that thing they keep saying....I'm sure I'll be OK. I am leaving Oregon only because not being here with my girl is too much to take. Going back to So Cal...where at least I will have my family.
But, with everything that's happened, all the hurt, the desperate measures I took at the beginning of the break up, the casting me aside.....I'd forget it all if she would take me back. No question. Its nobody's business but ours so no explanations needed. Oh, if only that miracle would come to life! I'd do everything I'd give up anything just to hear those words in my ears...."I want us back". Sigh. My dreams, I'm afraid, will be my nightmare for the rest of my life. 

This is all I have left ...............................