You find answers hidden in everything
sometimes they are not in bold writing
but they really are there .. you just have to
look closely and you will see.
You'll find that
words are just tossed about
promises made
intentions discussed
sweet sugary sounds
fail
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Memory Reflection
The scent of her perfume called to me, asking for a spray which was added to each wrist. After a brief moment that familiar aroma surrounded me with memories that flooded like an avalanche of water after a sudden storm.
I applied her lotion to my arms, remembering the silky smooth skin that once was touched so lightly against my own body. The feeling like a pillow, soft and fresh, warm and loving.
Her picture nearby caught my eye, the smile she had so bright and wide. The day it was taken was such a wonderful event, one that I shall never forget. Her laughter still fills my ears.
These memories do not haunt, for they were genuine and spirited, of times that were filled with love and happiness.
After time has passed - one can look back with loving times and appreciate what was happy and good. Reflections of all senses.....Seeing.....Hearing.....Touching.....Smelling.....and yes, even Tasting.
Time moves forward, growth set in, the mind that realized what the heart never wanted to hear.
Memory Reflected off surrounding thoughts.
It's a good day.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
12/31/2013
The date 12 31 13 is an interesting number to me. I'm a numbers person and I believe there is some sort of significance in numbers. Anyway, here it is the last day of 2013. I've wished for this year to be over for a long time, but in reality what am I thinking will happen so magically in 2014 that didn't happen this year? If I am lucky to still be around in 2014 I want to....
Be aware of who I am and where I've come from. I have been blessed this year with growing into the person I am today. Do I wish I had made better choices? YES! However, I've learned. I've gone beyond what I wanted or thought I could do and taken chances that I was uncomfortable doing alone, and true - the world did not come to an end by doing so.
Hold my tongue, well...watch closely the words that exit my mouth. I speak too quick, I say words that don't match my thoughts, I am quick to be insecure and pouty. Think of the people that hear my words. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 first! I never EVER want people offended by my words (unless they mess with me then its all on!). But I want people to feel cared for, loved, and respected.
Make better choices of what I eat, when I eat, why I eat. For those that know me well, know this has been a lifetime issue and you know that I've taken drastic steps to help me in this battle. It is an ongoing battle, but one that I know is possible to be kept at bay. It's one day at a time, and because there might be slips doesn't mean the end of the war. Putting this out into the Universe I believe will help keep me accountable to myself, to my God, and to my heart.
Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better Aunt, a better employee, a better mother and a better Grammy. I know I'm pretty good at these things, but there is always room for improvement. To be fair, those in my life have been very good to me and with me and I am so incredibly thankful and feel blessed. My motto has always been to be 'kind' even when I think I'm right.
Be patient. Thinking that at my age I'm too old for things that I feel I want or need, but being patient is a must when I've tried my best to be where I want to be and have what I desire to have now. All things comes at the right time.
Now the hardest of all is for me to extend my boundaries. Step outside of my comfort zone and reach for the stars that I long to live among. Just do it. Take a chance and grab hold of what might seem too far from my grasp.
These are not resolutions but instead suggestions I am making for myself. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, for as we all know life has a way of throwing curve balls. I wish to learn to duck, to keep walking on the path, to tackle the journey and just realize: When something goes wrong in your life, just yell PLOT TWIST!
Happy New Year and may 2014 treat you kind and bring you Joy <3 p="">
Be aware of who I am and where I've come from. I have been blessed this year with growing into the person I am today. Do I wish I had made better choices? YES! However, I've learned. I've gone beyond what I wanted or thought I could do and taken chances that I was uncomfortable doing alone, and true - the world did not come to an end by doing so.
Hold my tongue, well...watch closely the words that exit my mouth. I speak too quick, I say words that don't match my thoughts, I am quick to be insecure and pouty. Think of the people that hear my words. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 first! I never EVER want people offended by my words (unless they mess with me then its all on!). But I want people to feel cared for, loved, and respected.
Make better choices of what I eat, when I eat, why I eat. For those that know me well, know this has been a lifetime issue and you know that I've taken drastic steps to help me in this battle. It is an ongoing battle, but one that I know is possible to be kept at bay. It's one day at a time, and because there might be slips doesn't mean the end of the war. Putting this out into the Universe I believe will help keep me accountable to myself, to my God, and to my heart.
Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better Aunt, a better employee, a better mother and a better Grammy. I know I'm pretty good at these things, but there is always room for improvement. To be fair, those in my life have been very good to me and with me and I am so incredibly thankful and feel blessed. My motto has always been to be 'kind' even when I think I'm right.
Be patient. Thinking that at my age I'm too old for things that I feel I want or need, but being patient is a must when I've tried my best to be where I want to be and have what I desire to have now. All things comes at the right time.
Now the hardest of all is for me to extend my boundaries. Step outside of my comfort zone and reach for the stars that I long to live among. Just do it. Take a chance and grab hold of what might seem too far from my grasp.
These are not resolutions but instead suggestions I am making for myself. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, for as we all know life has a way of throwing curve balls. I wish to learn to duck, to keep walking on the path, to tackle the journey and just realize: When something goes wrong in your life, just yell PLOT TWIST!
Happy New Year and may 2014 treat you kind and bring you Joy <3 p="">
Sunday, December 29, 2013
3 days left, thank God its almost over!
All the Christmas celebrations are over, thank you baby Jesus! Had 4 different gatherings. Don't get me wrong, loved them all. Just glad that the hoopla is done because serious life has to move forward. Or lets just say life goes on no matter what.
What will 2014 bring? It already feels like it will be a repeat of 2013, unless I do something extreme and drastic to change it. I've already made a promise to myself. If anyone knows me, they know I won't promise unless I mean it. So, lets hope that the new year will not be anything like this year - that miracles will happen and life will go on with some meaning, not just empty days one after another after another........
3 days left to shake off this fucked up year
3 days left to put my plan into action
3 days left util hopefully some damn light appears at the beginning of a tunnel I can walk through
What will 2014 bring? It already feels like it will be a repeat of 2013, unless I do something extreme and drastic to change it. I've already made a promise to myself. If anyone knows me, they know I won't promise unless I mean it. So, lets hope that the new year will not be anything like this year - that miracles will happen and life will go on with some meaning, not just empty days one after another after another........
3 days left to shake off this fucked up year
3 days left to put my plan into action
3 days left util hopefully some damn light appears at the beginning of a tunnel I can walk through
Monday, December 23, 2013
the day before the day before christmas
I've often said and heard said in many poems; You can be lonely in a room full of people. This feeling is always with me. It doesn't matter where I am, who is in the room, what I'm doing or where I walk....I'm always alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.
I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.
I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.
Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.
I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.
I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.
Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I remember
I notice the clothes piling high on the laundry basket so I begin to sort. Dark clothes here, light clothes there, and linens.....there among the kitchen dishtowels are those bath towels. I pink up that large pink bath towel and suddenly I'm enveloped within its soft cloth. Closing my eyes I remember. Just a few days ago these threads were wrapped around her body. I see her smile as she steps out of the bath and the twinkle in her eye. She loves her showers and I love seeing her so happy. The fresh scent mingles out into the room; a mixture of her soap and her cologne. I remember. Tonight I am sleeping with that pink cotton which has been refreshed with that aroma of musk and vanilla. I hope to sleep well tonight....as I remember.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
whatever
What if I don't get to meet the one person I am supposed to meet, if there is such a thing, because I am meeting all these other people instead, who are essentially unnecessary distractions from finding something significant and precious?
How could I even recognize that one person among all these others?
But then I think to myself, well, maybe I am supposed to meet all these people for some reason.
But Most people I meet make almost no difference in my life and give me nothing of value, they just take and take and take, and I am a giver and not a taker, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, maybe that's just my role and duty, which I regard as an honor on better days when I'm happier than today.
But usually nobody congratulates, applauds, or hugs you for that, and you wonder if it takes away from the value of your acts of kindness to stranger and friends that you wish that someone would.
You wish that someone would kiss your hand and say thank you...and you wish that you could stroke their hair and say it's ok....I've always wanted to do this for you.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
one
How can passion come in longing words
that carry to a distant meadow
like the tree that bravely feels the wind
a flower soaking up the constant sun rays
a fish swimming up the stream
all pulls that guide and nurse the craving
for the touches of such ways are true
nourishment for their very core of being
lightning comes in splashes across the sky
if you blink you might miss the brilliance
and yet the thunder comes before the light
giving warning to what is next to come
I hear your heart and feel your power
and know that in the next moment
the brilliance will pour across my soul
and directly into my heart will I pound
There are but hours minutes and seconds
that make up the day that turn to weeks
and into months
but time is but a glimpse of waiting days
until such the moment is right
then the two become one and there is
no more waiting
all plans together make perfect sense
and the glory is found when the sky dances
with sparkling stars and a moon
smiling in wonderment of love
that carry to a distant meadow
like the tree that bravely feels the wind
a flower soaking up the constant sun rays
a fish swimming up the stream
all pulls that guide and nurse the craving
for the touches of such ways are true
nourishment for their very core of being
lightning comes in splashes across the sky
if you blink you might miss the brilliance
and yet the thunder comes before the light
giving warning to what is next to come
I hear your heart and feel your power
and know that in the next moment
the brilliance will pour across my soul
and directly into my heart will I pound
There are but hours minutes and seconds
that make up the day that turn to weeks
and into months
but time is but a glimpse of waiting days
until such the moment is right
then the two become one and there is
no more waiting
all plans together make perfect sense
and the glory is found when the sky dances
with sparkling stars and a moon
smiling in wonderment of love
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Mouthful of Forevers
I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Somethings come over me....
...and at times I feel like a little kid, or at least a teenager.
I'm looking at wedding gowns, honeymoon spots, and bridal sets!
I know, its not serious.....not yet.....but truly somethings come over me and it feels amazing!
I want to sell everything I have, almost, and move. Being in Oregon this last time reminded me once again of my deep love of Oregon. I need to be there, to go camping, to the mountains, to the place that makes me so happy. Nestled on the floor with lots of pillows and a fluffy rug...fire glowing, and the old house creaks as the one walks across the floor boards nearing me.
Again I'm needing to gather my patience and wait. I know the time is much closer than what I once thought. I know that some in my family will not understand how can I pull myself away from family, especially now. But hopefully they will come to realize that its just in me to be there - to take my last breath with the fresh memory of that magnificent sky line and the glorious snow capped Mt Hood. Time is not on my side, but I will ride it out as long as I can.
I'll be back.....my heart home
I'm looking at wedding gowns, honeymoon spots, and bridal sets!
I know, its not serious.....not yet.....but truly somethings come over me and it feels amazing!
I want to sell everything I have, almost, and move. Being in Oregon this last time reminded me once again of my deep love of Oregon. I need to be there, to go camping, to the mountains, to the place that makes me so happy. Nestled on the floor with lots of pillows and a fluffy rug...fire glowing, and the old house creaks as the one walks across the floor boards nearing me.
Again I'm needing to gather my patience and wait. I know the time is much closer than what I once thought. I know that some in my family will not understand how can I pull myself away from family, especially now. But hopefully they will come to realize that its just in me to be there - to take my last breath with the fresh memory of that magnificent sky line and the glorious snow capped Mt Hood. Time is not on my side, but I will ride it out as long as I can.
I'll be back.....my heart home
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
change
I've never been the sort of person to get used to change quickly. It takes time, patience, and conforming to really take to anything that changes. However Sunday something changed and I fell in love with it immediately. I got my first tattoo. Oh, I had huge plans for my first one. Been planning since I turned 50! But for this reason and that reason it just wasn't "right" and I'm so glad for that because my life has changed tremendously over the past two years. However Sunday, Jason and I together went to get some new ink! This is a congenital heart defects (CHD) awareness ribbon. Jason's is just the ribbon. Mine..well, I added the little sailor hat to the tip of the ribbon in honor of my Evan. I'm thrilled with this and yes, I'll be getting more :)
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
somebody..
...bring me some water
cuz I'm dying a slow death
I'm thirsty and can't find the quenching
for things causing me to be out of breath
...bring me some water
for I know that I'll never survive
this time continuum unfolding
for my face in you I will hide
...bring me some water
let me bathe in the scent that you left
finding you in every fold and corner
with eyes rolling back in my head
...bring me some water
as I know my lips are thoroughly parched
every ounce of liquid has left me
as your hand lifted my aching arch
...bring me some water
pour it completely over me
smile at the heat you are cooling
as you purr those words: 'my kitty'
cuz I'm dying a slow death
I'm thirsty and can't find the quenching
for things causing me to be out of breath
...bring me some water
for I know that I'll never survive
this time continuum unfolding
for my face in you I will hide
...bring me some water
let me bathe in the scent that you left
finding you in every fold and corner
with eyes rolling back in my head
...bring me some water
as I know my lips are thoroughly parched
every ounce of liquid has left me
as your hand lifted my aching arch
...bring me some water
pour it completely over me
smile at the heat you are cooling
as you purr those words: 'my kitty'
Monday, October 14, 2013
Dear Pastor of a local church
Dear Pastor ....,
I wish to be completely respectful of your FB pages and of your Churches website so thought I would send you a message here, for you to read and do with as you so wish.
I applaud that you took to preaching (teaching) about the hard topics that is rampant out in our society and the world today. I know with first hand experience that not only is it stressful, it can become a sore spot for those members who disagree and possibly even leave the congregation because of their different views. I was looking forward to hearing your message and am very glad I did.
My history isn't necessarily important, but for the sake of knowing where I come from, here goes. I grew up in a religious Christian household - Southern baptist no less. We had church on Sundays and Wednesdays, VBS taught by my mother, youth camps, my parents were part of planting new churches, preachers family would come to the house on Sunday afternoon for pot roast, we performed in church plays, memorized the books of the Bible and scriptures from a very early age. We were known as the go to family for helping, cooking, fund raising, Bible studies, women's groups, etc. Later, my husband and I became church warriors and (serious) leaders of our church where we had our two children, who happened to be completely involved with everything church and everything Jesus. So, please allow me to use this as explaining that I am well aware of: the teachings, the scriptures, the church faculty PC communication and beliefs of the existence of the homosexual community and the connection to the 'church'. However I left out one point. I knew at age 9 I was a lesbian. I also knew at age 9 that I would go to hell, for that is what was taught to me. I was aware that letting anyone know this fact about me was going to bring shame, ridicule, rejection, hurt and fear to family and friends. So I did what every good Christian who wanted to just be accepted and loved and able to have children did, and I hid my "truth". I was very good at this, for no one had any hint. In fact, I was so good that I convinced myself that it must have been the devils work and to reject it in my thoughts. Through church I was in charge of meals on wheels, I was a Woman's ministry leader, VBS director and the stay at home mom all working moms (mostly within my church) could call when their child needed to be watched during the day while they HAD to work. I was the friend of the Pastor's family who was called on to help pack up their house when they weren't able to do so due to a move away to plant a new church. I was the one to bake, give presents, encourage, help the homeless, provide baby and wedding showers. I provided a safe and loving place for those before and after school kids who could do their homework and have a meal and be cleaned up and ready to go home when picked up at 7 PM, only for them to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I was trusted, 'loved', and used by everyone because I had shown in my life that my heart was good and through it all I loved my God and try to live by the example of Jesus. What people did not understand was that I was sad, lonely, and felt fake because of one thing: I was not able to openly experience what I always knew; I was a gay woman attracted to spiritual and giving women. My husband was a wonderful provider. He was one of the best Daddies I had seen. He loved the Lord and was a trusted friend and worker on all accounts. However, we were not compatible. You see, I was not sexually what he was comfortable with (I was a bit overweight and this was not his choice of attraction) and I was not able to fully give myself in our encounters. However, as a good Christian, I tried everything I could to get 'past' that part of our marriage. I became extremely sad when I would see how others in the world had happiness and compatibility. They would hold hands, be loving, be interacting on a deep level. Sure, my husband held my hand on Sunday, even put his arm around me while we sat on the pew, but then there was nothing else until the following Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame him for anything. He was living his 'truth' for the most part. But his 'sin' was acceptable, mine was not. To make it clear, I do not find being a homosexual a sin. I have gone to Great lengths to study this in some of the older versions of our Bible, for many many years. I have sought out to ask people within the Pastoral community, authors, speakers and scholars. My conclusions, as I guess you may already know that I have, is that the teachings of what is practiced about homosexuality is misconstrued and what I believe was meant in a few Bible verses, were to be about lust, rape, incest, and war and not of a loving same sex relationships and partnerships. To wrap this part up..After many years of deep depression I was able to rest in the loving arms of God and become brave to become me, the complete true self. The same true self every single heterosexual is allowed to do with no pomp and circumstance. Nothing to do with anything else, just an honest life with the ability to go forward. Same person. Same Mom, same kids, same parents and sisters, same heart of giving and of helps. Ah, but not the same friends. You see most all of my friends were of the church so no, they all accepted that I was not 'walking with God' and my poor husband (of which they NEVER were given the information of what went on in our home where his actions were unacceptable). It hurt, as I knew it would, but because I was raised "in the church" I knew this was to come. I knew the fate ahead of me in this regard and, because they could not see beyond what they were taught, rejected me to be in their life. I was still me - but because of this one thing, I became a monster.
So, in conclusion, while I still am very glad you were able to bring a heartfelt and loving sermon out to your congration on this topic, we are in disagreement about the origin of what you deem sin, and what I deem is a society of fear. I am still a Christian. My faith has not wavered. My relationship with the organized church has, as many preach like you about "obviously you cannot become a member because of your sin". I shudder at the thought of the leaders in churches that are secretly child molesters, gamblers of the homes necessary household money, food addicts, liars, income tax cheaters, boasters, braggers, unfaithful to their spouse, and the list of hidden sins go on and on. You see, I will not hide my truth which is knowing God loves me exactly as I am and that it is my heart He sees. It is the fruits of His Spirit that is judged by Him and He alone. I know that I am just like everyone else and am far far from perfect. But, it is through God's grace that I am held and loved. I have prayed for you and your church. A very sweet lady and previous co worker of mine goes to your church so I am excited for your growth and the love you show others. I know you are on a journey yourself as we all are, so I pray that only great things come to your church and in your families way!
Blessings.
I wish to be completely respectful of your FB pages and of your Churches website so thought I would send you a message here, for you to read and do with as you so wish.
I applaud that you took to preaching (teaching) about the hard topics that is rampant out in our society and the world today. I know with first hand experience that not only is it stressful, it can become a sore spot for those members who disagree and possibly even leave the congregation because of their different views. I was looking forward to hearing your message and am very glad I did.
My history isn't necessarily important, but for the sake of knowing where I come from, here goes. I grew up in a religious Christian household - Southern baptist no less. We had church on Sundays and Wednesdays, VBS taught by my mother, youth camps, my parents were part of planting new churches, preachers family would come to the house on Sunday afternoon for pot roast, we performed in church plays, memorized the books of the Bible and scriptures from a very early age. We were known as the go to family for helping, cooking, fund raising, Bible studies, women's groups, etc. Later, my husband and I became church warriors and (serious) leaders of our church where we had our two children, who happened to be completely involved with everything church and everything Jesus. So, please allow me to use this as explaining that I am well aware of: the teachings, the scriptures, the church faculty PC communication and beliefs of the existence of the homosexual community and the connection to the 'church'. However I left out one point. I knew at age 9 I was a lesbian. I also knew at age 9 that I would go to hell, for that is what was taught to me. I was aware that letting anyone know this fact about me was going to bring shame, ridicule, rejection, hurt and fear to family and friends. So I did what every good Christian who wanted to just be accepted and loved and able to have children did, and I hid my "truth". I was very good at this, for no one had any hint. In fact, I was so good that I convinced myself that it must have been the devils work and to reject it in my thoughts. Through church I was in charge of meals on wheels, I was a Woman's ministry leader, VBS director and the stay at home mom all working moms (mostly within my church) could call when their child needed to be watched during the day while they HAD to work. I was the friend of the Pastor's family who was called on to help pack up their house when they weren't able to do so due to a move away to plant a new church. I was the one to bake, give presents, encourage, help the homeless, provide baby and wedding showers. I provided a safe and loving place for those before and after school kids who could do their homework and have a meal and be cleaned up and ready to go home when picked up at 7 PM, only for them to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I was trusted, 'loved', and used by everyone because I had shown in my life that my heart was good and through it all I loved my God and try to live by the example of Jesus. What people did not understand was that I was sad, lonely, and felt fake because of one thing: I was not able to openly experience what I always knew; I was a gay woman attracted to spiritual and giving women. My husband was a wonderful provider. He was one of the best Daddies I had seen. He loved the Lord and was a trusted friend and worker on all accounts. However, we were not compatible. You see, I was not sexually what he was comfortable with (I was a bit overweight and this was not his choice of attraction) and I was not able to fully give myself in our encounters. However, as a good Christian, I tried everything I could to get 'past' that part of our marriage. I became extremely sad when I would see how others in the world had happiness and compatibility. They would hold hands, be loving, be interacting on a deep level. Sure, my husband held my hand on Sunday, even put his arm around me while we sat on the pew, but then there was nothing else until the following Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame him for anything. He was living his 'truth' for the most part. But his 'sin' was acceptable, mine was not. To make it clear, I do not find being a homosexual a sin. I have gone to Great lengths to study this in some of the older versions of our Bible, for many many years. I have sought out to ask people within the Pastoral community, authors, speakers and scholars. My conclusions, as I guess you may already know that I have, is that the teachings of what is practiced about homosexuality is misconstrued and what I believe was meant in a few Bible verses, were to be about lust, rape, incest, and war and not of a loving same sex relationships and partnerships. To wrap this part up..After many years of deep depression I was able to rest in the loving arms of God and become brave to become me, the complete true self. The same true self every single heterosexual is allowed to do with no pomp and circumstance. Nothing to do with anything else, just an honest life with the ability to go forward. Same person. Same Mom, same kids, same parents and sisters, same heart of giving and of helps. Ah, but not the same friends. You see most all of my friends were of the church so no, they all accepted that I was not 'walking with God' and my poor husband (of which they NEVER were given the information of what went on in our home where his actions were unacceptable). It hurt, as I knew it would, but because I was raised "in the church" I knew this was to come. I knew the fate ahead of me in this regard and, because they could not see beyond what they were taught, rejected me to be in their life. I was still me - but because of this one thing, I became a monster.
So, in conclusion, while I still am very glad you were able to bring a heartfelt and loving sermon out to your congration on this topic, we are in disagreement about the origin of what you deem sin, and what I deem is a society of fear. I am still a Christian. My faith has not wavered. My relationship with the organized church has, as many preach like you about "obviously you cannot become a member because of your sin". I shudder at the thought of the leaders in churches that are secretly child molesters, gamblers of the homes necessary household money, food addicts, liars, income tax cheaters, boasters, braggers, unfaithful to their spouse, and the list of hidden sins go on and on. You see, I will not hide my truth which is knowing God loves me exactly as I am and that it is my heart He sees. It is the fruits of His Spirit that is judged by Him and He alone. I know that I am just like everyone else and am far far from perfect. But, it is through God's grace that I am held and loved. I have prayed for you and your church. A very sweet lady and previous co worker of mine goes to your church so I am excited for your growth and the love you show others. I know you are on a journey yourself as we all are, so I pray that only great things come to your church and in your families way!
Blessings.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
stuck
I'm stuck in a world of I don't know ....... and that which I totally know.
I want to be near my sister, mom, sons, and grand baby..... but I don't know how much longer I can hang on to this.
The feeling of being free and loving life and frolicking and being happy is calling me to wonder.
When is it going to be my turn again?
Will I find that happy place where I wake up in the morning, smile, and find myself sure of what my life is all about?
Can I trust again?
Can I truly be loved again?
My thoughts are mixed with doubt and insecurities and sadness.
I know what I "want"
I know what I "need"
I do not know how to find me right now without sacrificing something HUGE
Where am I to turn for the answers?
Who knows what the right thing for me to do is?
God....are you listening? Do you care?
Have I been tossed aside into a cruel world of lonely, bitterness and un-finished compromise?
I am lost today.
Lost into a world of I don't fucking know.
There seems that no one can answer any questions for me, but myself.
And I have no answers.
None.
I'm stsuck.
I want to be near my sister, mom, sons, and grand baby..... but I don't know how much longer I can hang on to this.
The feeling of being free and loving life and frolicking and being happy is calling me to wonder.
When is it going to be my turn again?
Will I find that happy place where I wake up in the morning, smile, and find myself sure of what my life is all about?
Can I trust again?
Can I truly be loved again?
My thoughts are mixed with doubt and insecurities and sadness.
I know what I "want"
I know what I "need"
I do not know how to find me right now without sacrificing something HUGE
Where am I to turn for the answers?
Who knows what the right thing for me to do is?
God....are you listening? Do you care?
Have I been tossed aside into a cruel world of lonely, bitterness and un-finished compromise?
I am lost today.
Lost into a world of I don't fucking know.
There seems that no one can answer any questions for me, but myself.
And I have no answers.
None.
I'm stsuck.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Why I Will Always Believe In Love
You may have tried and failed. And tried and failed again. You may have twenty names in your it-just-didn't-work-between-us list. You've cried yourself to sleep every single time after all those breakups, and you vow to guard your heart a little better – to not give every piece of puzzle to the next one who comes along. But you’ll never be able to stop putting yourself out there. You’ll find yourself having the strength of being vulnerable once more. Because you know you are one step closer to finding the one, even when you know you might get hurt once more.
You may once be a believer. “That was when I was naive,” you said. “That was when I didn’t know the truth in this cruel world.” Then something happens – something always does, and you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum. You scoff at those believing in fate; you mock your friends for believing in love. “The sooner you learn the truth,” you begin, “the sooner it will set you free.” But every night when you close your eyes to sleep, you wish there’s something you can do to fill the emptiness in your heart. You wish, deep down, you can be a believer once more.
You may be broken. You may have been experiencing enough pain to turn your back on the world, on humanity, and on every fairy-tale fantasy that feeds the possible existence of your true love. But there will still be moments that make your heart skip a beat. A touch. A smile. Those warm eyes. There are seconds when you will find yourself breathless, igniting that fire inside your heart that has been long put to rest – a flicker of hope of the warmth that you never think will experience once more.
You may feel desperately lonely. You have spent your days waiting and hoping that the next girl who sweeps you off your feet will present you the missing pair of glass shoes and end your single-hood forever. You wait – while at the same time seeing your friends getting engaged and close friends having full lives. But you never give up. You never give up of showing up, of getting yourself out of the house because if there’s even the tiniest chance of meeting that girl today, you’ll grab it.
You may watch the news – witness wars emerging and societies breaking. Death. Greed. Anger. Pain. Sadness. You start asking yourself, “How could anyone do this to another?” You become a complete cynic towards whatever good that is present, questioning every motive behind every deed. But then you see a two-year-old smiling wide, laughing innocently while their mother wipe away that ice cream smudge on their face. And you find yourself smiling. There is still goodness in this world. There is still hope. There is still love.
You may even curse love. Your curse it so hard that it rips your heart to pieces. You hate others who believe in it. But deep down, deep down, this hatred roots in the hope of its success. You hate love because it has failed you. You despise love because it is the one thing you want to have, but robbed.
You may say you don’t believe in love. But deep down, way deep down, you always will. It doesn't matter if love has or hasn't done you justice. Because even the tiniest hope of its existence gives you hope for tomorrow.
It gives hope to life.
Monday, October 7, 2013
I wish I had a million dollars
so I could flee the horizon on a whim
To visit friends and give comfort
and not lose my connection here with the family
Its a tough choice to make...
a promise or my soul?
For now, I wait. Answers are coming
Time seems to hurry by and before you know it your life turns again
If I had a million dollars
I'd set sail on the ocean and bring my friends
We would dine on the best and dance until dawn
Watching the black sea turn blue and alive with creatures
For now I have a buck fifty so I remain in my cell
Only my thoughts and my desires take me away.......to wait for that day
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
And so
you begin again
You pick yourself up and step forward
There is nothing that can be changed
from the lessons of yesterday
Remember they are lessons
and take heed to not repeat
As you know others will con you
and they will lie to you
and they will cheat on you
and they will use you
So start over
begin again
Friday, September 27, 2013
TRACY CHAPMAN - THE PROMISE
If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.
What I'd like to say ...
Her kisses are full of a sweetness I have never ever tasted before...
Her hands are like silk as they caress my skin...
Her eyes say things that make me go weak at the knees when she looks at me...
Her love makes me vulnerable yet stronger than I've ever been...
My woman, my love, my strength
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