"happy" thanksgiving?

i woke up so happy it was thanksgiving! my favorite holiday. i knew it would be a little tough because going to my nephews, my sisters kids house, would bring on so many memories. but it was going to be good.
but then....SMACK. i am smacked in the head with again the mistrust, accusations. the trying to get me to be honest stuff. the 'hiding stuff on your phone' line again.
i'll never be trusted. ever. no, not ever again.
and tonight it is me who is called the angry girl. fuck me for trying to be honest with my feelings or shall i say, my conversation about something that came up that did not go as she said it went. small things i say gets twisted into i'm being mean, or i'm changing the plan, or i'm the one who EMPHASIZED the words she deemed were words to hold against me all day. all i wanted was a day. a day without the pain look in her eyes. the day for laughs and smiles. the day for food and merry.
i know its my fault. its all my fault. everything is always my fault. i'm guilty. i'm wrong. i'm an asshole. i'm this. i'm that. and tonight i'm ANGRY GIRL who deserves to be spoken to in a way that only a child is to be spoken too. i am at fault. i am wrong. i should have not said this. i should have not done that.
again, its my fault. its my fault for bringing hurt into her life. it's my fault for fucking everything up. my fault. i'm the asshole and i am the one who really really REALLY deserves to be alone. i always fuck up. i am my mothers daughter and she always fucked up so why shouldn't i be the one to fuck up.
why the fuck do i think i deserve anything? because i don't. i really honestly think i deserve nothing. i deserve to be alone. to live alone. to work alone. to just fucking BE THE FUCK ALONE.
i will never ever gain her full trust. nope. i fucked that up. she had something done to her - in her words - cut her to the deepest core of her being. something she's never had to deal with or thought she'd have to deal with. she is trying to trust me. she doesn't. she is trying to forgive me. she doesn't. she won't. i know this. i fucked up and i own that. so should i have every day of my life from this day forward, be treated like i am a fucking asshole? maybe. maybe i should just take the treatment and shut my fucking mouth. maybe i should just burn holes in my arms so i can look at them and know how much i hurt everyone. why the fuck am i even living??? today i feel like i do not want to live. i want to be with karla, with brad, with GOD. Please God, hear my prayer. take me now. I'll never be anything positive in anyones life again so why not take me now. I'm just wasting good valuable space here on earth. take me God, please hear my prayer.
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