I have so much going on in my head at all times of the day that I find myself almost paralyzed - stuck in thought. For someone like me who likes to talk and type and text...it can be dangerous! Sometimes I just open my mouth and the first thought I have comes out. Not good. I guess I really need to keep that under wraps more, and pay attention to the choice of words I use. You see, I am just being honest...but my honesty doesn't always align with those who are interested in 'my' honesty and would rather I keep it to myself! This happens at work. I know what I mean in my heart but the head and mouth mess up once in a while. So, note to self: Button up the lip and speak only about work matters and people won't have a reason to question you and your intentions.
That being said, I REALLY like to talk and write my stories! I once had a blog, a journal, that I wrote my feelings in. All through my life I've had diary type books and then I would type up my feelings and hide them all to myself. Then, when I ventured into the internet world I wrote stories to my special friends. I wrote stories and posted them also for all that I chose to read and see. I've always received high praises for my stories, however remember that those stories were still "under wraps". Now, with this blog and with facebook, I am beginning to find my voice again.
In my early teens I was afraid of so much. I was sad and lonely and very confused. I felt abandoned and off balance. In my 20's and early 30's I was a Banker, a Mother, a dedicated church goer and woman's ministry events leader, sports team mom, cub scout den leader, Avon Rep, PTA member, class room mom, and other various upstanding leadership positions. I was busy, oh how I was busy! We got a brand new house that I prided was clean as a whistle, I was the best wife ever, the best neighbor, friend and social butterfly - with lots of real but lots of FAKE people. I knew a lot of these people were fake. But, just like the fake boys from my teens who wanted in my pants, they liked me and that was all that mattered - so I thought. And I was fake too. I had my life aside from my family and that was becoming a heavy burden on me that I knew I had to release onto the world, but didn't really know how and was very scared to do so. I realized that my fakeness was painful and began to see my life needed to change up. I was scared though, and didn't know how to do this.
In my mid 30's things changed. It took MANY years for me to figure it out but by the time I was 38, I knew. I just needed to figure out how I was going to tell the world about the real WenDee!
I first changed the spelling of my name. Took on some kind of independence with changing it from Wendy to WenDee (The Dee part is after my grandma Dorothy Dee that I would have Loved to have known better. She had to hide her real self too much of her life). Making this little change in the spelling of my nick name was no big deal, so I thought! However most all of my family and some friends could not handle it. They made fun of the way I capitalized the D and how the name was spelled. I didn't care - wow, I DIDN'T CARE! A new concept, I was beginning to make changes that I knew were good for me and I was staying strong with doing so! Ok, so this was a little thing but looking back on it now this was huge.
I'm not saying my life just fell into place then, but that was the beginning and where I took charge of what I needed to do in my life. I began a 3 year run with a fabulous counselor, I went back to school, and I got a divorce. Slow steps, but they were still forward steps!
And so, my stories - some just typed words that describes me and my life - will go on. Here. In the public eye. If you do not want to read it because you are not interested, please feel free to stay away. This is for my curious ones. The ones that will appreciate what I have to say and what I've gone through and still go through in my life.
Till next time.
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