splashes of happiness in my day

I need to put this out here, before i either lose courage or something gets mucked up.
I have male friends who are truly such an incredible asset to my life! My work 'husband' who is funny, helpful, kind and gets pissed and cracks me up! I have other men on my team who also contribute to me loving my job, and I'm so thankful.
I have friends from all different states, that I've met in all different ways, that provide each one a different perspective and yet they all seem to genuinely care and love me. I'm so honored that I have discovered this year as it being true; you really know those who love you when they support you always - but not having to agree with everything - just showing this love in many ways. I couldn't possible name them all, that's how blessed I am! I am hoping that you reading this realize that I'm talking about YOU!
Now, as a wonderful kind spirited, emotional, honest, and truly human (yes, he makes mistakes) friend recently shared on his FB, I'd like to tell you about my day.
After waking up not hating getting out of bed (first sign) I was able to take the dog on a long walk and enjoy the cool dry weather. Having plenty of time, I was able to get to work early and set up for a rather busy day I knew I had ahead of me. I got sidetracked, a lot, but found by doing so I was able to tackle the jobs quickly and complete them. When I arrive home at lunch, I bump into Chris and I was able to help him with Lacy, and that just really pleased me to spend time with my other 'girl, my dexters sister. I miss her so much. As an added bonus, Chris and Jon decide to walk with me to my apt to come get something their mother had asked to have. Being able to just talk to them for a couple of minutes, made me so happy! I love those boys and my heart has also been empty not being around them. I miss them but it was a great surprise to see them :) Now, my sweet friend Crystal constantly brings a smile to my face! Without asking, she brings me either my favorite coffee or tea from the birista. I hope she knows that I am grateful and I never take her kindness for granted! Today when I was coming back in from lunch there she was with her beautiful smile and a peach iced tea waiting for me. The day only escalated from there - one thing after another - that just made me feel that I am alive, I am important, and I matter. Out of the blue, someone brought me salmon that they could not finish. I hadn't had lunch due to my busy break and I was hungry. Whalla. There was lunch! Then, I made a phone call to a gentleman that was not happy. 45 minutes later he was singing my praises and telling me he will be a yahoo forever just because of the service and time I gave to him! Really sir, I LIKE to help people, but it was so nice to hear. Then my boss knew about the extra work that i put in with that case so he tells me that he wants to provide to me dinner! He accidentally leaves a full order of beef stroganoff purchased earlier from the cafe...and tells me he'd like me to have it. Now, I'm sorta broke right now (yeah IRS, kiss my....wait, I'm not doing that right now!) and also I have sort of resented making the meals recently that end up in the garbage because cooking for one is just hard to do (gotta learn portion sizing!). I just feel so full of blessings. I know there are a LOT of steps I need to take, some of which will happen this coming Sunday with a new group I'm going to check out (self help) but I feel stronger today. I feel like I can do this or at least there is hope that if I'm able to see the glory in things then what I once thought was the end of the world maybe, just maybe, its not. I can't wait to be with my family again. I need their hugs, their help and their love - but I also need WenDee; the Wen that finds the good and appreciates her skills and her heart. I'm sorry this is so long and it probably should have just gone on my blog, but no one really reads that thing...and I wanted to share with you all that after 2 months.....I'm thinking that I might be OK. ♥ to you all!

feelings

i wake up every day thinking of you, what you are doing, how you are feeling, the smile on your face, your eyes sparkling. I go through out my day hoping you are well. I still see your smile, even though its been a long time given to me. I smell your perfume and wish that it was applied for me, for my pleasure. I go home from work seeing the apartment complex and wanting to talk to you, to laugh with you, to hug you. I am home at night and until I fall asleep off and on crying for what I've lost. for the good times, even the harder times, but the times we were together. that was when i was in my glory. i really thought we were it forever. i know you closed your heart and shut the door way before you let on to me. but even when you suggested you thought i was smothering you or that you needed space, i didn't really thing it was you kicking me out of your life. i thought that it was because i was going through a hard time understanding what was going on with you pulling away from me and also trying to figure out what was going on with me. i never really thought you would want me out of your life. i truly thought you loved me. i truly believed all those words you said to me. i trusted you that my heart was your home and that you believed in me and supported me. my anguish now, my torment now is beyond hard. most every single day i wish i would disappear or sleep or something would happen to put me out of my misery that I have to endure daily. now, you've blocked me completely. i'm not allowed to even be your friend - the promise you made when you pushed me away - you said you would never do what russ did to me, that i would always be your girl, that you will always love me. but you don't. you went back on everything and i'm alone, without even your friendship. i saw you yesterday and had to pray every step that i would keep my mouth shut. to honor what you want. you want me to go away. i do not know because you will not talk to me. i have to assume that i am dead to you. and most days, i wish i really were.

no words

no words can express my sadness for my dear friend passing away yesterday.
she was my kindred spirit - a constant friend to me during some of the most difficult times i've had in the last 5 months.
she gave me wonderful advice, talked to me through my pain and sent me goodies for my dog when she knew he needed extra love and attention.
living a life of giving and loving, what a wonderful woman, and yet had to put up with so much shit from two exes and many medical issues.
I love you Lyn. Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry we never will get to go on that cruise we planned on going together in 2013. God bless you and rest now sweet sweet spirt

slow

i used to think time flew by so fast...and now time seems to be slower than its ever been in my entire life

i'm so grateful for my job. i get to go to a place where people smile at me, give me a hug, ask me questions, wish me a good day, bring me a surprise coffee, laugh at my jokes, appreciate my help and then i get paid. if not for my work, i don't know how i could have survived the past 3 months. thank you God for my job and for those He has put into my life.

i am looking forward to great things coming my way. exciting and wonderful things! i've been given the opportunity that i didn't even realize i needed or wanted, and yet, here it is.

every moment is a gift. each day my quest is to be thankful and look ahead - not behind with what was done that brought me much sadness. some days this might be hard, i'm sure, but with continued strength and grasping tight onto the truth, i will forge on and be the person i know I am which is good, kind, loving, giving, helpful, funny, loyal, and is the one and only - wendace lynn.

i've never meant to hurt people, and yet people get hurt.
i've been in so much deep pain for months and i try so hard to figure everything out. how could i have been different? and when i say that out loud i feel like i would have compromised myself by being 'different'. i only was trying to hold on tight to what was slipping out of my fingers. i saw my life of love and happiness falling away to the ground. i could not hold on by being patient. i could not keep my mouth shut.
today i heard an inspiring message at church. i'm an imperfect person living in an imperfect world and i've grabbed at threads of hope and change my whole life. here i am alone and lonely and a total and complete mess. i do not know where to turn. people don't want to listen to my sad story. they have their own story to live. so i will go forward as a single woman. me and my dog. trying to get from this day to the next. i need healing with what has happened to me. i'm sorry i hurt you with my words of pain. i will try to be silent as you wish. i will disappear as you wish. forgive me please for being a failure in your eyes. but please also remember what was good and happy and full of love. maybe some day you will understand the level of my despair. however, i still only want you happy and complete. i hope you find that. i will end this world someday, maybe soon, and i hope you will not be glad, but rather be thoughtful of how deep my love for you has always been and always will be

for the past month i've been in hell. i've been desperate to get your attention. you know that you are on my mind 24/7 but have told me to leave you alone. i've been greeted by a cold shoulder and given no communication or updates. and now i find out that it is yet again, me who didn't do something right. i didn't call. i didn't ask questions. i didn't volunteer to give my last dollar to help with a situation that i didn't create? i am again brought back to the place of fucking up. as hard as i've tried, its all been for nothing. why do i bother? why am i even existing? why don't i just fall off the face of the earth so i can finally make your life better. it will justify everything that has happened. you can say see, she was a real mess..glad i got out of that. please don't put yourself in my shoes. please don't think for a moment that i am broke and that i would have dropped anything to have been asked to help, just so i could have been in your presence. i'm pathetic you see. god how lucky you are to have gotten rid of me. me the one who only loves you completely. wendee fucking idiot rily. why can't i just disappear? again i plead to god, make this all go away, please!

why have i failed my entire life? why am i so unlovable? why can't i be loved unconditionally and allowed to love back? why? god please i can't do this, please rescue me

my mouth - my worst attribute

i've come to the conclusion that although i'm not perfect, i have certain 'characteristic' (non) qualities that prove me to be less than others.
my mouth for a top one.
you see, sometimes i say things that haven't filtered through my mind first. i have rarely meant the negative things i've said, however my thinking is slow and it didn't reach my mouth in time for spillage. also, i've said things because i react so quickly to a situation and then very soon after i feel bad. however, the word was said. the statement made. the damage done. this has been a determent my entire life and i've suffered greatly because of it. i am not sure if i can fix this. i guess i just always hope that those who know me, know i didn't mean for it to sound like it did. i apologize and yet it doesn't matter. i fear that its too late in my life for people to not understand this about me, therefore i should be alone.
alone. i am alone. in a flash of an eye, i am alone. i hate me. i detest me. i don't want to be me anymore. being alone and sad is too much.

in pain .. missing so much

her voice
her smile
her hair
her shoulders
her laugh
her love
her trust
her ideas
her singing
her walk
her sleeping sounds
her hand in mine
her head resting on my shoulder
her kisses
her hugs
her life

every time i see her, my heart beats faster. my eyes mist. my mouth drops. my arms want to reach out and hold my love. but i can't. i'm stuck in a place that is in between. i am trying to protect myself from these feelings but there is nothing that can replace what i feel. if i do not see her, i miss her more. if i see her, i miss her more. i think of our good times and i tear up. my mind will not let me let her go. she hasn't set me free from the thoughts that one day we might be together again so i hold onto that thought every single day as i try to advance in my new life. i realize that she has lost her in love feeling and that is a hard pill to swallow. i'm not a first thought. i'm not a second, third or fourth thought. i fall way back in line now. i'm not a fool to think she doesn't love me. you can't have 13 1/2 amazing years then just stop. like you fell off a cliff or something. or can you? maybe. i do not know for i do not get the privileged to know my angels inner thoughts and feelings. those are not mine to have now. the next step is beginning this week with her and the kids moving into my apartment complex, in another unit, 3 buildings away. she wanted space. she wants me to not insinuate myself onto her and the decisions she's making. she wants me to not check up on her. she asks that i stay out of her business. to not step on her toes. she has lost trust in me and i am afraid these things that she says has now shielded her mind from all the good, all the happy, all the positive that we once shared. you see, i don't have this. i want her to come with me to the movies. i want her to eat dinner with me that i've prepared. i want to lay next to her and smell her perfume. i want my feet to touch her toes in bed. i want to wish her good morning as well as goodnight as i see her beautiful sparkly blue eyes. i want to laugh, to love, to live with my sweet dreamer. i didn't change my mind. she did. how do i set my own boundaries? how do i protect my heart? how do i live in this beautiful state of oregon which was my happy place and not have my love to share it with? how do i get past nightmare? its november all over again, every day. its january 21st all over again, every day. i fear this torture will never end...my torture that i alone live...every day of my life. oh god, please help me

Click

something clicked today. not sure if it was the headache that is constant due to the never ending tears, but i now have clicked into a different gear with hopes that my headache will eventually lift and my heart will become lighter. my understanding is certainly not others understanding, nor theirs to me. all my life i just wanted to be wanted. the desperate measures i'd go through to get that. the taking my first cigarette just so i would fit in. losing my virginity because my friends had and i would be accepted if i were to have sex with the popular boy. finding and doing drugs and become addicted, only because that is what everyone expected me to do. getting married to have children, expectation - or so i thought. being a good wife, a good christian would surely bring me admiration. team mom and den mother, id be liked and looked up to. working long extra hours, not calling in sick, that had to get me high scores, right? well this method continued into my relationship with wanting to help, to love, to serve, to cherish, to nurture and to build up. and where has it gotten me. to be deserted on, to be tossed aside - my time was up. i had 13 amazing, loving, fun and bright years with the 'woman of my dreams'. until i failed. somewhere along the line i let my guard down and didn't realize that i was fucking up. however, now i realize that it really wasn't me fucking up. i was just trying to survive, in my way, through some tough things. it was too much. instead of being loved more, helped more, encouraged more, spoken to more...well, that rug. so anyway, here i am back to the clicking.
i deserve much. i am a wonderful person who isn't perfect. i have so much to give and hopefully will find a way to give again to one who will smile at my failures and help me with open honest communication in a loving way. i must love myself now. i must hold my head up high and not allow myself to continually bruise and batter. i know me and i know this is not going to be easy, nor will it be quick. i've always had a trust issue so there is a lot of work to do. however, i need to declare this as day #1 in finding i have my feet on the ground and i will begin to walk again. ups and downs. praying for more ups to come. going to work on finding the ups in more things. busy work for sure. however i have little over 5 months to do this. check with me August 1st, ok?!

Friends

I love my friends! I want to push on from this day forward to be a good friend. I have a lot to give and a lot of laughs to share with others and I can cook for my friends and play games with my friends and love my friends as a friend should do!

From This Day Forward! You are my Friend and I love you <3

I want, I need, I crave this being said to me......

.....because that is what I think when I think of you.

tonight i folded her clothes from the dryer and put them away.
i'm afraid this is the last time i get to do this.
tonight i cried out my hurt asking why because i still do not understand.
i'm afraid i'll never get a reason that makes sense.
tonight i walked the rooms of this house we shared looking at the walls.
i'm afraid they also are staring at me with questions.
tonight i just want to feel right, or normal, or loved, or wanted.
i'm afraid that will never happen again.

tonight i wanted to run home. i wanted my mom to hold me and let me cry on her shoulder. i don't know how i can continue to cry - seems there should be no tears left to fall

i can't do the alone thing. i'm not meant to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i need my partner. i need to feel safe again. i do not feel safe. i feel as if i was thrown out with the recycling, to be used again by someone who will make promises that won't be kept. how will i ever trust again.

i'm afraid i will disappear from the world without the love that was once so brilliant and alive.

i'm afraid.

Almost Ready - Almost There - Almost Completely Alone

Well, I have the apartment.
I've been moving things in since Jan 29th when I drove the U Haul to my new 'dwelling'. I refuse to call it home. It is where I will hang my hat, lay my head down at night, and store my belongings.
I can't imagine it ever feeling like home.
However, I will push on. I will do the best I can. I'm going to allow myself this journey to try to be peaceful and still, because I can't plan anything right now.
I have to rely on my own skills, my own fears to be faced and try to vision life anew.
I moved to Oregon, I thought, to live out my dream.
To be with my sweet vision, my angel, my love of my life.
However, something came along and for whatever reason - I still really do not know - its ended. Poof. Gone.
There is nothing planned now.
No dreams.
No goals.
No longer do I awake with the anticipation that my day will be filled with happiness and laughs with lots of love.
Instead I continue to find myself crying myself to sleep and awaking with a heaviness on my heart.
The day moves along and I seem to function well enough, but then night returns.
The black.
The quiet.
I return to my bed and lap top.
The sad comes and I am alone again.
I am only waiting.
Wasting time from one moment to the next.
Nothing really special in between.
Just being alive.
It really sucks sometimes, this shit they call life.

its called rejection wendee, get used to it.
its called being lonely wendee, get used to it.
its called unhappiness wendee, get used to it.
its called empty wendee, get used to it.

people are funny. they say give it time. sing a song.
make the choice to be happy. go out. do this do that.

what they fail to realize is, without what was once had
there is nothing left. the rug still sits crumbled on the floor.
the legs still cannot hold me up. i fear this lump they call a person
will stay heaped in a spot until i fade to nothing.

there is nothing. only holes. only brokenness.

wendee no longer is wendee. instead a fake of the wendee
that once smiled. once laughed. once walked tall with knowing she was
secure with hope and dreams and love. pure love. once held when she was unhappy.
once told that she would always be safe and sercure. once she was told that wendees heart was her home. now the home is vacant. bare walls. no perfume. no sparkly eyes.
no embrace.

this wendee is not that person. this wendee is hurt and and sad and rejected.

a kiss on the head like a dog whimpering for attention.

get used to it wendee - this is now your life

Monday the 30th...almost February

BUSY Day at work. Busy day in my head. Too many things to think about. New place. Old place. Set up TV and internet. Work on projects on my job. Meet up group. Unload boxes. Find new places to put things. Don't act desperate. Be strong. Live cheap. Save money. Don't neglect sons and grand daughter and mom and sisters. Eat right. Exercise. Fly to California. Do everything on your own. Prove you can do it. Cry if you must but dammit do it yourself WenDee. You are on your own now. No one wants to do those things that you now find yourself needing to take care of. Damn. What is this shit anyway? Fuck it

Alone

I have friends. I have family. I am grateful. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to be there for me. The one I thought would always be here for me has vanished. She's gone. Onto her own life. Picking out her household things. Keeping busy with no regard to me, I matter zero now. I am nothing now. Why? Why? WHY!
I have no partner, no companion, no helpmate, no soul mate, no live in best friend, no confidant, no wife, no girlfriend, nobody. I am completely alone. I doubt I'm going to make it. I am not meant to be alone. I'm meant to be a partner. I was meant to be a mother, but I am no longer the mother who is loved and needed by my sons, only from a far.
I can't believe this has happened to me. I was promised always. I was told I'd be taken care of. I was asked to move to Oregon and told I would be loved and cherished till the end of time. I was given hope to be shouldered and lifted up - not just in the sweet and healthy times - but always.
I have been let down. What exactly did I do so wrong, how was I so bad to be swept aside? cast out of the life that was guaranteed to be all I ever dreamed of? To vacation to far away places with? To be loved and held and to feel safe?
I have been abandoned. again. I have nothing without this promised life that was pulled away from me, as if I didn't matter. As if I had no say. As if I were a monster. As if all I did for the last 6 years meant absolutely nothing, let alone all I suffered through to get here, to the promised land. Didn't I take care of you during hard times? All I worked for. All I expected. Everything is gone and now I am totally and completely alone. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate being hurt, and this hurt is a hurt I never saw coming...I never thought I'd ever see. And, here I am. A-fucking alone. I don't want this. I don't want my life like this! I want what I was promised damn it! This is SO UNFAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS GOD DAMNIT omg I can't do this. my soul is crushed, my spirit is gone, my life is over without my dream...what is there? NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I am worthy of love, I deserve love, and I will cherish this love

I am a giving and loving woman who will spoil her with surprises and breakfast in bed

I will take care of my lady and show her what true love is

I can be sarcastic at times, but with humor and a strong woman I will fall into her arms and love her all the more for understanding and being accepting

I will appreciate the differences we have and enjoy sharing her life as we explore and share our time together helping to open one another up to new and fun experiences

I will draw a bath and light the candles while music plays and wait patiently for her to come to me after she is rejuvenated - waiting to worship her in ways shes never known before

I will expect her to give herself completely to me just as I will give myself completely to her in return

There will be open communication and nothing can't be shared and talked about as we both have prior loves and prior lives filled with dreams, goals, hurts, pains and heartache, through opening up and sharing we will build our trust completely

I will support her while going back to school, or visit the family, or be with her children or any outside interest, just as I know she will do the same for me

I promise to not be perfect, perfection does not exist, but I promise to love and cherish her as we see each other in our true selves

I will love...again

And then she says there is no hope

Tonight Heather tells me there is no hope. She doesn't want to keep hurting me. She said we are done. Did I lose it? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I DID!

Whats next for WenDee?

Who Cares!

My mom is 81. She is alive and well and loves me. Yes, she has some mental capabilities that I've always been aware of and even though we have had our issues here and there, her love and commitment to me - her daughter - has gone on and on and on! She is my mom and I'm so thankful that I get to hug her and show my love to her in many ways.
My step father (my California dad) is 91 and is bright and mobile and driving! He has always loved me and accepted me for that past 35 years as just me. I can't be more thankful for this man taking care of my mom and loving her and keeping her safe.
My sisters are alive and well and have full lives! They are both married and in love and even though they take issue with how their baby sister lives her life, they always come through for me..always..I can depend on this.
My Son Jason married to an amazing woman now is a Dad himself! Jason being a nurse gives his love to all he comes in contact with. From the moment he was a little boy he just wanted people around him happy and well. Jason adores both Jennifer and now Jordynn and I'll always be thankful to God for gifting me with my first born, my Jason, my son who has never turned his back on me but has extended an extra hand to love me through the changes I've made and even in times when I've just been confused and sad. Jason, you have gone above and beyond in your tough life and the miracle of you that has touched so many will live on and on. Every time I see your face in my mind, I can't help but smile big for my love is so deep and so strong for you!
My Evan, my sweet, fun, active and caring boy! Growing up you loved to give me challenges but no matter what, I've always known how deeply you care about me to be safe, healthy, and happy. You went into the NAVY and that scared me! I knew how you didn't like to wake up early and how you rarely picked up your clothes and dishes. How were you going to be a soldier with all those restrictions? OMG! you not only succeeded but you were even an example to others and again, the pride I felt and feel today with the beautiful life you are living...I'm so happy!
My 3 bonus children are healthy and have full lives. They deserve much happiness in their lives and I hope they find it wherever they go and whatever they decide to do as adults. Ashley is sweet and caring and loves me sincerely. I will always be there for her. She is my 'daughter' and I've watched her grow and she loves me. I promise you Ashley, you always have me on your side! Christopher is so smart, he will be a wonderful engineer or anything else he ends up doing! I wish he knew more that I've always enjoyed his big wide smile and appreciated his dramatic ways. After all, that is how i was as a youngster :) I love you Chris and know that all I really wanted to do was help you mature and steer you in the right direction. Jonathan. I can't type Jon's name without welling up in tears. I love Jon as if he were my own. I'm sorry that the last couple of years while you have struggled to figure things out that we couldn't have gotten closer. These 3 kids are a part of me, and always will be, always.
Heather. Our lives were touched on that special day in June 1998. I knew right away how incredible you are and how you would capture my love and my heart if I let you. I gave in to those pretty blue eyes and that warm soft skin with those curls on your head! So bouncy, so young and vital, so smart and smelled so nice! The years went by and I didn't think it was possible to continue to fall in love over and over again, but it happened. Every time I see your face or hear your voice or touch your skin, my heart quivers with excitement. My love is so deep and so true and will be with you forever and ever, plus one more day. The path is shielded from your eyes and I hope and pray the sun will clear and you will find your way.
As I close this blog, I also want to include my true friends. I have learned that I do indeed have those who want me in their life, who actually would suffer if I were not in it.
Janyce....sweet Jan...1983 we met. We were both young and firm :) No children yet, you weren't even married! The years passed by and both of us bore our children and never let go of our special friendship. You've stuck by me all through the years with no judging, no hurt over the many months that went between phone calls, never a harsh word thrown at me. I love you Jan. Thank you for being one of my very best friends!
Diane...Oh Diane! What we went through in those early days, right?! I know there was some hurt, for both of us, but we each rose to become strong in our lives and move on in our journey of truth. You've been there for me so many times. The time Jason was in the hospital at age 12. When I was so sad coming to terms that I had to end my marriage. Hearing my stories of the incredible love I was in with my Heather. Then, when I felt my legs were broken and I fell to my knees in pain - when I didn't think I could get pass the sadness and be able to work or function, you encouraged me. You also never judged me and were available to hold my hand - by phone and over a thousand miles - and hear me try to deal with carrying on. Thank you for being one of my best friends!
Mike...my brother by no blood...I wish we had met when I was younger! I can just see you and I climbing hills and throwing rocks and laughing our heads off :) You are an incredible human being and a magnificent father. Don't EVER forget that you gave to both your kids beyond what lots of fathers never would do. You were an amazing example to Evan when you took him into your business and always gave him a place to hang out in, to laugh with, to be accepted and given love. I will forever be indebted to you for that and especially for letting me into your life. These past few months you've listened to me, you've laughed with me, and you hung out with me...even just to let me cry and drink a beer! I love you Mike, don't EVER leave me, ok?!
There are others: Jill, Danielle, Randi, Gen, Jake, Jessica, Patrick, Heather, Dave, Deepthi, Karla H, Jim, Ligaya, Lynn, Patti...I'm sure others that fail this old ladies memory right now :)
God knows my heart. The angels know my wishes. The earth feels my pain. Now, I just push on.
143

Normal

The new normal that has hit is strange and unfamiliar.
I wonder if I will need to be used to this normal?
Doubtful its possible, as my eyes continue to be red with the thousands of tears that fall. I am sheilded now from the sights that my heart desires to see.
The sounds that once brought a smile to my face are gone and I am in constant reminder that my life has turned and I am lost in a new world.
There is no safety ledge - no barrier protecting me from the pain I feel deep in the well of my heart.
The happy boat is off in the distance, traveling a sea of new adventures.
Learning to sail, alone and in rough waters. No guarantee that the tide will overtake and capsize.
Perhaps an island will be found that accepts me as I am. Will love me anyway, in spite of the character flaws that is a part of who I am. Maybe the natives will understand that imperfection cannot be found, and the good I posses - the kindness I wish to give - will be enough to allow for my existance there.

Struggles

We see the white daisy, so fragile and plain ...
going head to toe against the wind and the rain.

We see the strength that this simple flower shows ...
as the fight continues through its bending pose.

All through the night the water drops become many ...
until the sun appears and gives power against the enemy.

In review we see the harshness' meaning ...
that through rough times the daisy was learning.

Being bold and facing trials will surely be tough ...
but going through difficulties, you'll find you're not just fluff.

Remember the flower and the meaning of this story ...
You may feel like shit now, but you'll grow into Glory!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel alive
sometimes I feel close to dead
sometimes my heart hurts
sometimes it's all in my head

Sometimes I feel lonely
sometimes I need my space
sometimes there are no problems
sometimes I've got too much to face

Sometimes things go right
sometimes things go wrong
sometimes I fit right in
sometimes I just don't belong

Sometimes I want to laugh
sometimes I want to cry
sometimes I want to dance
sometimes I want to sit and sigh

Sometimes I want to face life
sometimes I want to be gone from sight
sometimes I want to run
sometimes I want to fight

Sometimes I want to sing
sometimes I want to shout
sometimes I know the asnwer
sometimes I'm in doubt

Sometimes I'm happy
sometimes I'm sad
sometimes I'm scared
sometimes I'm mad

Sometimes I want to win
sometimes I want to lose
sometimes I listen to music
sometimes I watch the news

Sometimes I make decisions
sometimes I'm told what to do
sometimes I find life hard
sometimes so do you.....

Ears and Eyes

There are ears and eyes all over -
For when the whisper is just so
It can be rudely mistaken -
for something appearing much more.

Rely not on the stirrings -
of ones inner most wonderous delights
For when you uncover your eyes and ears -
The truth comes out in the light.

People are jealous and mean harm -
When in disguise they smile boldy
But once the distruction is unfolded -
They squirm away rusty and moldy.

Years of truth can be broken -
If one chooses to listen to the lies
Be careful in how you choose now -
or it might be too late to deny.

Just trying to be honest......

...honest.

Honestly I'm tired.

Honestly I'm a damn good person.

Honestly I make mistakes and so have you. But I've always forgiven you and loved you through everything.

Honestly I never did anything that was so bad to be treated this way.

Honestly, The pain is too deep now. Honestly.

Honestly, when will this end, or will it ever? Honestly.

Lets talk honest. No games. Life is too short. I deserve so much more than this.

Saturday Jan 7 2012

Still hard to write 2012 - and yet I'm so thankful it is 2012!
Week was a little off at times, but I think I'm getting used to the "off" :)
However, had some nice little pluses, one was getting recognized at work and the other was hearing from two friends that brought a smile to my face. Learning more about the smile. Smile and you can't frown! Trying to listen and not take things personal. Boy, that's a hard one! However, even at age 51 I KNOW I am learning. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

Starting the new Meet Up group tomorrow. Gawd, I'm so nervous! Doing this on my own, I do soooo much better working as a team with Heather or a friend....but walking into this newly created thing, alone, is bringing up some social anxiety and panicking at the thought. I know it will be OK. There is no grade. And, if I hate it, I'll just drop it! However, it is my hope that the women in the group will pick up and want to begin to meet up with things like movies, casino, wine tasting, or taking walks! I want people to find a friend. Maybe I will find a friend who is partnered or has a g/f and we will hit it off for us all to go out with!!

Anyway, today is clean our bedroom day, laundry and baking stuffed zucchini day. Tomorrow after the meet up is make homemade tortellini soup day :)

I know, your jealous

Kisses**

Next day

Nope. Not hopeless! Just have had my spirit punched a few times but I'll rise again :)

01012012

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to live right.

The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or maintaining a relationship

Both people come from a past with baggage and hurts - Both so stubborn.

Life is too important to not live happy and too short to forget who we are and what we want together. Holding onto non positive feelings need to be released into the air - then breathe in deep this promise of love.

Today is the first day to the rest of our lives

day before the end of the year

i want this year over. along with having the best thing ever happen - getting a gorgeous grand daughter - the worst thing ever happened as well. today is hard.

i need to keep reminding myself constantly:

keep mouth shut.
don't ask a question.
don't try to make a joke.
don't ask if anything is wrong or i will get the eye roll.
remember the rules.
add a new rule.
give it time - my next cut off date is january 15th, extended from the 31st of december.
write in the blog.
read a book.
stop thinking about what you have lost.
think about what you will gain again someday.
go for a walk.
go for a drive.
watch tv.
stay away cuz you are not welcome right now.

damn it i wished i was feeling better down in so cal cuz i forgot to buy my tequilla. now i have to go to the bar and spend a fortune there on the stuff.

oh well, it will keep me busy, for a while, until it is over, then i get to go home, and go on my computer, and watch tv, and go to sleep.

my life is too exciting for words!

Anyway

when do i get to be me again? I look forward to that day.

when is the way i talk or ask a question get to be accepted as its just me, being me? I will keep trying to be patient while waiting for you to see me as me.

when will i stop being put down or made to feel stupid? I will keep reminding myself to
be completely silent to a reaction, and to be careful in the words or questions I say.

when will that be fair for me? It is not about me right now.

when is the time going to come that i am simply accepted - warts, farts and all - again?
I know this answer, it will be when I accept me for me, all of me, mind, body and soul! I will come to realize that The positive things people say to me will be true in my eyes.

when i say something, when are you going to smile again? I will smile at you anyway. I will love you anyway. I will choose to be happy anyway. I will be strong, anyway

RULES TO THIS GAME

I've run out of answers, I've asked the questions too many times. I might be thick brained or the chemical balance within me isn't allowing me to penetrate what is being told to me. So, I've written down my new rules:

1. Do Not talk about the "problems"
2. Try to just have a normal day
3. NO 20 QUESTIONS - or ANY questions actually
4. Keep Praying
5. Find my inner strength through this - remember the obstacles I've had to over come in the past - this will carry me from one day to the next
6. Do NOT put anyone on a pedestal - even if that confuses me, it is not accepted as praise
7. Be a separate person: Looks, Interests, outfits, parenting style, goals, dreams, laugh, smile, handshake..u get the point
8. Check in - but only with the facts
9. STOP ALL NEGATIVE!
10.Do NOT Question on decisions that have already been made - mine is not to question why
11.Do NOT comment on an opinion or a statement made - mine is not to communicate back at this time
12.Read, Research, Study and Relax
13.Get medical help I need with menopause
14.Reflect on the good - not everything sucks - look beyond the circle as there are good and happy things in my life still
15.Tell myself every day that my worth is great

Merry Christmas?

So, I flew down to So Cal on Wednesday 12/21 (our 13 yr anniversary of first meeting) only to have an interesting day with mom and dad. I was extremely reflective and quiet and very patient. I've been working so much on me and trying to calm down without jumping like I have done WAY too much the last 2 years. It was quite revealing. I witnessed much while being an 'observer'
Thursday I visiting a friend and it was extremely therapeutic! I was so happy to have been with Sue on this day. I was able to talk to someone who got to hear my 'story' without having any personal interest vested with us. Anyway, she gave me GREAT feedback! Then that night, my long time friend Jan came by Jason and Jennifer's. It's ALWAYS wonderful seeing my long time friend. Janyce has accepted me through so much in my life. She's seen me go through heart ache, through struggles, through much growing, and through my years of being a mommy! Jan, I will cherish our friendship ALWAYS.
Then at 3:15 AM Friday morning I threw up. Thought I ate something wrong or too much but no, this throwing up kept happening along with diarrhea. Long story short: The Family was due to come over to the house for our 'Christmas eve' gathering and that had to get switched to moms. Then, the next morning was supposed to be big breakfast at mom's, that got switched to the hotel. I did go to the hotel to see everyone - at their insistence - and I hope no one gets sick! Karla got sick...but I think she might have caught something before I saw her. Anyway, I feel bad
So, this trip was weird. Had to cancel my flight home from yesterday to today. weird. Its Christmas, I'm not with Heather, and I'm sick.
THEN.....................
I fucking blew it! OMFG! I did what I SWORE TO GOD I'd NOT do again...I got selfish right after we got home! Heather did an innocent thing and I took it personal and got sad. OMFG! WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO LEARN?
I'm in therapy.
I have past issues to deal with.
I need to grow strong.
Heather needs to be allowed to show her true feelings and not be scared.
We have growing pains to get through.
I'm going to trust we will AND we will be SUPER better in the long run!

Till then...damn it....
Please God, SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I deleted two posts I had published while gone. One was on Wednesday and the other on Thursday (I think) but I deleted them because I felt stupid after having a conversation with Heather.

Anyway, I'm not going to do that again. Maybe I'll just add a PS post later, but I'm not going to delete my words. These are my thoughts. This is my life I'm going through. It isn't to please anyone else. Its to get my shit out of my head and put down somewhere!

So, excuse some rants that you might see, I'm a work in progress here!

love and kisses,
the bitch working on being bella again <3

Will you be my friend?

I laugh to myself how my attempts to find a friend must appear to those who have it all together. Although my desire is to go places, experience new adventure and spend off times with Heather...there are times when she is working or away when it would be nice to go do something instead if sitting around the house. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out at home. I love watching TV, playing my computer games, cooking, reading, talking on the phone, etc. But once in awhile doing something outside if the house with a pal who I can laugh with, share stories, have a partner in crime! I have some really sweet young people at work that are adorable and are my work friends, but I'm talking about the kind of girl who shares similar interests: gay or gay friendly, loves to laugh, isn't a skinny mini cuz that's a tough one (!!) and is at least within a decade give or take, of my age! If Heather and I are off work together, then I want to be with my sweet, fun, adorable girl. But, if she is working or visiting with one of her old friends, then it sure would be swell to have a friend or two I could call up and say hey, let's go grab a coffee and people watch! Or..let's go for a walk downtown. Or..wanna go play bingo with me? Catch a movie? Grab a drink? Until that happens, I need to find peace with going out alone. Or better yet, finish those crochet projects I started!!!

4 U

The electricity...swarming, encircling, enticing.
Touches light and soft, warm and sweet.
Her fine hair running through my fingers, the smell of
her skin creating an aroma that is so familiar, so intoxicating
I remember that first day, then the next...her smile wide with
the twinkle in each eye as she gazes at me from across the room.
Each time we meet, those butterflies of excitement grows more and
more powerful until we fall into each others arms once again,
renewing.
Those times would fly so quick....
Then one day the clock stood still, the parting was no longer
necessary. We were alive! Together! Never to Part Ways.
Oh joy of joys - flowers were brighter and the sun shone brilliant!

Love...pure and simple...not perfect - but close :)

None other ...

There is no one like you,
you were made just for me.
You've touched my heart in places
no one else could ever reach.

You've brought beauty to my world
and comfort to my soul.
Your smile has lit up my life
such a sweet sight to behold.

It's all the little things,
that make you uniquely you.
the special ways you've given to me
in everything you do.

You've ruined me for all others,
because nobody can compare,
to the way you have loved me,
shown me the many ways that you care.

It's important that you get it,
so important that you see
I believe you were made me for,
my precious - my darling - my Heather Marie

Good WenDee / Bad WenDee

I think I need to type these things out and add to them as I remember the good and bad qualities of who I am

Good:
1. I am a giving partner
2. I am a fantastic mom
3. I am a loyal employee
4. I am a loving daughter
5. I take care of my hygiene
6. I do not dress embarrassing
7. I am a great cook
8. I love to make other people laugh
9. I am a great hostess
10. I like others to feel comfortable in my home
11. I will go out of my way to give someone a ride, buy them lunch, or take them a meal if needed
12. I am a giving and passionate lover
13. I smell nice
14. I have a pretty smile
15. I have nice eyes
16. I put others before myself
17. I do not ask for riches
18. I love to play bunco and board games and have fun
19. I love God and ask for forgiveness when I know I've done wrong
20. I learned early that the ones not 'normal' are lovable and deserving to be loved and befriended

Bad:
1. I can be sarcastic at inappropriate times - who wants to be around this?
2. I can joke and sometimes it isn't always nice - comedians suck doing this to work out their insecurities
3. I have put people down when I've been hurt by them, but never to their face. Never.
4. I have not been the best sister, although I've tried, I know I've failed.
5. I cheated on my husband because I was too afraid to face my sexuality truth - being completely unfair to him
6. I've taken pure love for granted thinking it was always there and now I'm paying dearly - I might never learn how to do love right and it would serve me right to be left completely alone
7. I was picked on by the pretty and popular girls because I was fat so I burned little bugs with a magnifying glass to punish them - this is sick and wrong
8. My brother died when I was 12 so I didn't think people lived long so I didn't invest in my future, and didn't take things seriously enough - Weak and selfish
9. My dad left at age 14 and my mom told me he didn't care to come around to be with me, I believed this story - where was my backbone? Maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have a daddy, even back then and I probably wasn't.
10. Instead of talking to someone I could trust, I took upon the abandonment of my brother, father, sister (she got married right b4 dad left), mom (she took off working, dating, and going dancing), and other sister who hung out with her friends. I stuffed my face with food until I was sick and laid down on the rug in front of the refrigerator in the kitchen because of the humming comfort sound and the heat that it exuded - weak weak behavior
11. I was used in a sex game at age 15 so I began using sex as a game and did not trust what people told me - why the hell couldn't I just shrug it off like most anyone would have? Weak.
12. I was date raped at 16 and learned to never trust again - I should have learned before this happened but I wanted to please too much, very bad character flaw
13. I took drugs that my new sexual friends gave me, smoked pot and stayed out all night just so I could feel accepted by someone - pathetic
14. I lived in a lonely marriage because I had children and swore I'd never have them come from a broken home - only to break it up later anyway which hurt them even more. Selfish fucking me left her husband anyway which was unfair and everyone got hurt anyway.
15. I continued to be a fat pig stuffing my emotions down my throat in the form of a burger and fries, and was a constant loser in my attempts to look normal - sabotaging any hope to be a regular person

Pondering....

I'm a little confused. With the events of recent, I've had to think so fricken much. Maybe I should have been a deeper thinker before, but I guess I just handled things as they came. Don't get me wrong, I am a planner. I like to know whats going on today, this week, next month, next vacation, the holiday, etc. However, most of me just 'assumed' so much as I have lived the last 10 years or so. For example, my feelings of what a relationship/partnership/marriage was. Here are my thoughts:
1. Having that special person that 'gets you' when many others don't
2. Knowing you are loved and accepted - faults and all - forgiven when you mess up, and talked to with why what you did hurt them
3. Having childhood friends, friends from before you met, or work friends that are accepted and encouraged - but including them now in your relationship whenever possible. Not forgetting that once in a while its fun to get away with that long time friend to be a child or young adult with and enjoy that special relationship too - all the while making sure your partner understands they are never to be a substitute of wanting to share time with you
4. A safe haven, when the storms of life are fierce
5. Companionship. Having a forever dance partner, secret keeper, audience to laugh at your jokes, and a secured date to all parties, plays and movies
6. Cheerleader for when you want to step out and apply for that job, go back to school, begin a new diet, or take up painting
7. Someone to be honest with you when you really shouldn't wear "those pants" out in public
8. Fellow dreamer of dreams and wishes. Listening to you and smiling at your innocent far off dreams - even if its to win the lottery, move to that cabin in the woods, or care for a garden
9. Sitting together - doing totally different things - but sharing the same space so every once in a while you can look over at the other with a smile knowing you are happy and content just "being"
10. Understanding that the other needs to sometimes have their time alone - taking a drive, going for a walk or bike ride, climbing a mountain, visiting mom, or even just sitting on the porch. Knowing that this time is for them to refresh and reflect and come back to love you even more.

I don't want to be alone. My desire is to have my constant companion. This is how I wish to live. This is how I need to live. This is what I expect.

Am I asking for too much or do you have a different idea of a lifetime commitment than I do? Hmmmm

Friday 12/09/2011 had a hysteroctopy

Yeah, I didn't know what that was either until I was almost going into the procedure. I had my little outpatient thingy done at 7:30 am Friday morning. Heather and I were at the 7th Ave outpatient center at 6:30. Can I just say how simply amazing it is to be taken anywhere by this woman? She is so confident and really gives me strength when she is at my side.
So, they explained all that was going to be done - basically go in through my cervix with a camera and see whats going on inside there and the Uterus. What they found was some growth in the cervix and the Uterus that was removed. It has now been sent out to pathology to determine what is was/is. I'm pretty sure they are polyps and we will find out why I got them in the first place! Is it because of being borderline poly-cystic when I was younger? Is it because I was pre-menopausal way too early (35) and given hormones for 7 yrs to prevent early menopause? Is it because 1 1/2 years ago I put myself on to estrovan (walmart brand however) and black kohesh to prevent my hot flashes and mood swings? I guess that will all be discussed in the weeks to come!
Coming home I took pretty good care of myself, well....not in the eating department. I had a super HUGE set back. I am reading a book that is bringing up some mental pictures and memories of my childhood and I kind of gave myself the gift of binging. (a gift? what an oxymoron) Not so good, but it is what it is! I ate 3 donuts, a container of lays potato chips and then Heather brought me home a double western cheeseburger! Which, was AMAZING...but it left me SICK. I was nauseous the entire night, literally. At one point I sat on the toilet from 1:30 to 2:30 not sure how I was going to be sick so I was prepared for both. I didn't sleep, much. 30 minutes here and there. I think by the time I left my bed this morning maybe a total of 3 hours.Anyway, back to my medical issue! My shoulder is still sore, but bearable, thank goodness. I am still light headed some and have a sore throat with a light cough. These things I was told are typical side affects after being under anesthesia. I am hopeful with a good night sleep tonight I will feel a lot better tomorrow.
I'm sitting here today watching TV and catching up on some work emails. Also, packed up some gifts getting ready to leave on the 21st to fly down south.
I talked to Heather just a little today and wow, do I miss her! I am getting healthier in my head. I have promised her that December is her month so I will keep trying to resist pushing anything on her.
I've not checked up on anything like the AT&T bill, her cell phone messages or texts, facebook, emails, nothing! I'm actually pretty proud. I have a true sense of complete trust and its very liberating! It is getting back to how it was those middle 9 years we had in this 13 year relationship. The first 2 years were hard for me to trust, the last 2 I sorta lost my mind with being overloaded with my lap band surgery with a new way of eating in my life, my hormones, my dad BS, Jason Morris dying, the wedding, the baby, etc....but now I am working on getting rid of all those delusional thoughts that were comfortable for me to slip into. The mind is so weird and yet incredibly complicated and fascinating. Off to sleep now, taking a nap I hope!
To my DC: Even though I am trying to not push, I also might not know when you are ready to let me in, completely. Just give me the sign, the word, or the touch so I'll know :)

Be Kind

Today I did not cry. I know, right! It was a wonderful feeling to not feel so empty mentally and emotionally. Sure, there is still some sad that remains with me, but I'm choosing to really try super hard to look at the positive and the bigger picture.
I put up a few Christmas decorations, including a small lit tree and the nativity set. This alone helped a bunch I think. I also wrapped some gifts. Can't wait to see my grand baby and Jason and Jennifer and my momma! I leave in 13 days. So close to Christmas!
I pray for the love of my life to feel my heart, hear my heart, know how very sorry I am for hurting her with my accelerated tones and harsh words. Please God, keep reminding me of the choices I am making and wish to keep for the rest of my life.
1. Words can hurt.
2.Do not hurl any insults.
3. Think.
4. Quiet yourself before speaking.
5. Choose to be kind
6. Give of yourself
7. You do NOT need to be 'right'
8. Always love over hate

Tomorrow is my procedure. I pray all goes well and whatever the find they can get rid of and that it isn't cancer.

Amen.

i know, i know! I have 4 followers. but NO ONE READS MY SHIT!

Dear Diary Blog,
1. Have had my cramps again. It sucks! WTH, I'm in menopause and I have cramps? Really, with so much going on in my life I don't care about this abdominal pain because it actually feels good to have pain in other parts of my body
2. Bleeding. Yup, its happening again! After the cramps...here it comes! Today was day #10 taking my "stop the bleeding" pills so I'm thinking tomorrow will be heavier and even crampier. Joy to the World, the bleeding comes!
3. My shoulder has only gotten worse. Went to the Orthopedist and he found that I have bad inflammation with rotary cuff tendonitis. Yup. He explained, the tendon is so inflamed (why? Probably from stress in my body with it being too tense exacerbated by the extreme vomiting I had when I had the allergy reaction to the morphine given to me when I was at the ER on Fri the 25th). So, I had an ouchie cortisone shot put into the tendon. It should help within a couple days. Pain is SO bad tonight that I took an OXY tonight
4. Cant work. Between all the above, I cannot sit at my desk - need to keep heat and drugs in me - and therefore can't type. Tomorrow (Thurs the 8th) I will open my work lap top and do what I can from home.
5. Yahoo! Pride Holiday party on Tuesday the 13th. I'm in charge. What?!!! Yeah, I know! Hope that the Christmas miracles keep happening and I'll be ok to go back to work on Monday and Tuesday - as I need Wednesday off cuz my hair man had to reschedule a bunch of times due to this holiday crazy time. So, this party is going to go off with a wing and a prayer!
6. Biggest for last - Heather is very off balance still. Went to therapy and she was cold as ice. It felt like it was her against me. Still so freaking weird to me. My love, the one I'd die for and move heaven and earth and promise to love until my dying breath, spoke to the therapist saying she was scared. Scared, of me? I was shocked and I'm still more confused than ever. However, something happened. I sat there thinking ok, I've had one week of non stop crying. Of begging Heather to forgive me for anything (everything) that I did wrong, what ever it was. Apparently there is 2 years of pent up stuff that has bothered her but she's not brought any of it up to me in honest communication. I've been sad. Worn no makeup because of the crying. Had a constant headache. The sadness level is deeper than anything I've ever felt. I can't believe I have hurt her so bad and not known it. Anyway, Liz - the therapist - helped to illustrate something that Heather was trying to describe. I got it. I need to let up. I need to work on me. I can't work on her. She has to work on her. I need to get strong and I need to find WenDee. I need to be happy and I need to feel proud. I have to smile at my own reflection and not have it be fake. So, I took a few steps. I did my best to not text or call her. Give her space. Let her find her inner happiness then maybe, just maybe, she will come back to me and say: "OK, I'm better and ready to be us again". That day will be the happiest day of my life! But, until then I'm not supposed to buy her stuff (I've always bought her things?) I'm not supposed to push her (what do I say? how do we communicate?) I'm not supposed to have her see me cry as that makes her feel helpless (gosh, I'm so sorry that I'm so sad and this is how I am going through my pain) But, I get it. I need to really step aside and not let any of this be about me. Its about us. These are growing pains, working thing out, so we will be better.

Please dear God, PLEASE have her come back to me! Please remind her of how good we are together. PLEASE have her miss the Heather and WenDee that has been amazing. Amen.

Tears

I did not think a person could cry so many tears. I wake, I cry. I remmeber a moment during the day, I cry. I look at her beautiful face as she stares off, I cry. I miss her spirit surrounding me, I cry. I go to bed - she falls asleep - I cry until I am beyond pain in my head. So many tears, why so many tears? Because. Because she is trying to find her balance. I toppled her. Heather, please, my love, my partner, my confidant, my happy boat, please come back to me completely before these tears make my eyes bleed

An Open Letter to My Love

I hurt you. I did not know that I was hurting you. But, I hurt you. Its weird to think that just last month you were calling us "that couple". That couple that others wish they could be. What happened from then to now?

How could things turn upside down? I'll never be able to say I'm sorry enough. I'll never be able to take the pain away. Those times when I got mad. When I over reacted due to things the kids were doing. Or work. Or my medical stuff. Or the hormones that are just all over the place. I'll never be able to take back my anger that was cast out at my Father. I must have tipped some sort of scale then that sorta stuck. I let things get to me. I must have taken things out too much at home and at you. Weirdest thing, you are the last person in the entire world that I would want to hurt. So odd. So fucking messed up.

I fought to have us. I looked to the day when I was able to make the move. We both were so happy! Remember when we would sit and smile and hold hands saying...I don't have to fly home, I AM home! The joy in my heart and in my eyes - the same eyes that met your eyes and saw that joy in you. We took drives, sang silly songs, went to crazy stores. We bought matching TShirts and ate yummy food. We began riding bikes and we took our walks. Remember the silly times at water aerobics? I loved making you smile and laugh and it was my proudest moments. I am always the happiest when I'm at your side, no matter what we were doing. Just watching a TV show in the living room, just talking in the kitchen, walking the puppies, it never mattered. As long as we were side by side we were happy.

What happened?

How could things change so quickly and become so dramatic?

Why can't you love me like you once did, and for so long?

Why am I not good enough? I'm human. I make mistakes....did I make too many? Did you never make mistakes? Did you make too many? I want to breathe again. I want to hold you again. I want to be on the same page with you. I want to marry you.

Oh please God, Please touch her heart. Please help me to help her. Please let her release the anger and the hurt. Please help me to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn here.

I want us back. I want to be That Couple.
Forever and Ever - plus one more day

LOL

Yup. LOL. LOL'ing at my life is my every day occurrence. Someone recently told me that I did it to someone before, so maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe its my turn to have it done to me. Its now my time to suffer. I didn't suffer enough as a child and a teenager, bullied, molested, raped, abandoned.....I need to suffer some more. I deserve the suffering. I might do enough repentance in my life to finally have some relief, but I doubt it. I doubt I will be deserving to have a simple and happy life.
1. I'm too fucking complicated.
2. I want too much
3. I ask for too much
4. I push
5. I suffocate
6. I don't allow those to be free
7. I give too much
8. I do not give enough to me
9. I have too low self esteme
10. I do not value myself enough
11. I put you first too often?
12. I suffocate - I break - I am a fuck up - Why the hell should I keep trying? Its too hard. Its too fucking hard to perfect in this GD world. I can't be me and just fucking live! I have to think. Think all the time about every GD person. Fuck it. Where is my cabin in the fucking woods? Give me my 1 bedroom retreat and I'll grow a garden and learn to garden. As long as I have the internet I'll be fine. I lived a life of loneliness for many many years I can go back there. Do I want to? Fuck no. But can I? Fuck yes. Give me my computer. My TV. My books/magazines. My garden. My puzzles. My dog. I'll be fucking fine. Then...I won't bother anyone. I will not be this person who 'hurts' who 'punishes' who 'isn't ready for the world. I can be the Grandma that my children and grand children will visit. I will cook. We will play games. We will take walks and gather wood and stones. We will pain. We will invest in what spiritually makes us smile.
This is my life

somewhere I lost it

i feel like i've totally lost. if i have, i can't imagine what i'd do. i have lived the last few years of my life so completely and totally in love with my heather. now, i am not enough. i knew this was happening. i did something very stupid so i gave more ammunition to what was already a fire that i did not know had started. how dumb could i have been? how many years must i live with thinking i deserved something wonderful. what a pity. i'm totally empty today. i lost.

Tipping the Scales

Last night I stepped too far to the left. I was hurt. I was lonely. I was confused. I was feeling once again that I failed, always a failure. I am upset about BT. I think there is much more there and have asked repeatedly why? and to have an honest answer. I don't think I am getting that because I think they want to protect so much that all will not be given to me. Independence. Wanting sense of self. The world feels cold now. The grey skies that I love so much now feel like heavy anvils waiting to fall upon my head. I am expected to find me. I am expected to like/love me. I am asked to be kind to myself. My mind sees only the visions that was witnessed in disgust. I cannot trust right now. I am more lost at this moment than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel my soul hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. I do not know how to do this. Maybe tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light. But not tonight. Tonight its dark and ugly and smelly and flesh dripping in vile vomit.

sometimes

I have this gift. People laugh because they don't understand. I rarely tell people about this gift because sometimes they mock me, push me, test me, or simply dismiss me. However, I have a gift of knowing people. It's like they are exposed before me of what is in their heart - what they are thinking of, what they are hiding from. Most of the time I feel sorry for them because they are just being dishonest with themselves trying to run. Its the people that I am the closest to that I read so well, yet they try so hard to 'prove me wrong'. I know what I know, but the more I push the more they tell me how very wrong I am.
Its always comes back that I was right.
Always.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this gift so I could learn to trust more. So I could believe in fantasy or miracles or just the unknown and how it might all work out. However, its not the case.
I also wish that this gift could be used on myself in regard to things happening around me. Oh, its not the people. As I've said I already have them figured out even if they will not admit that I am/was right. Its about things happening to me.
My job.
My health.
My life in general.
Found out I have either a cyst or tumor on my left ovary. This is why I've had pain for the last month or so. However, during an internal ultrasound I found out I have something going on in my uterus. Could be fibroid cysts or tumor that just need to be removed. Could be a thick lining that needs a D&C. Could be cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. Could be cancer. wow. I just typed the word cancer and it feels weird to type that word. it's like a final word. cancer. hmm. I was in the ER, than admitted into the hospital. Then came home. And I was supposed to forget all about what I just went through. Forget my own pain. Forget my own insecurities. Forget it all.
I will call the Dr. tomorrow, the GYN, to set up an appointment. According to the ER Doc, this needs to be done ASAP. I guess they want to do a endrometrial biopsy. yuck. it hurts like hell. I had one once. I felt like I was being raped then had an abortion all at the same time. It feels like a total violation. And, so, here is the first day of the journey. What road is this going to be? cancer? who knows. sometimes it is. sometimes it isn't. we'll see soon enough.

11 days since the last time I wrote

Let me try to catch you up.
November 13 I was in a dark place. My dark place gets smaller and smaller some days. I'm not sure why it even exists because I am so ridiculously thankful for the many wonderful and amazing things in my life. However, it does remain that place - over there - in the corner. Waiting behind the black door with 3 hinges. There are no windows in that small room because there is no need to see out and certainly I do not wish for any to peer inside when I visit this room. So, sometimes I visit that place but I always end up emerging...and I gain strength. Until, the next time!

I'm going to put some bullet points up here to try, again, to get everyone up to speed :)

• My grand daughter Jordynn is so ridiculously adorable! She is the most precious thing in the world! Jason and Jennifer are enjoying being parents and love their little girl so very much. They have just moved down south, back to Southern California, to where they have found a rental house (a huge one!) which is 7 minutes from Jennifer's moms (Karin) and 7 minutes to my mom!! Jennifer's brother Kenny is living with them and there is a steady guest room (my room!) that I plan on using, a lot!
  
• Jason got a job working in home health care with the Antelope Valley Hospital. He will start soon and after a few weeks of training will be visiting patients to care for. I'm pretty sure most of them will be post surgery patients that need wound checks, etc.
• Jennifer got a job as a supervisor in a medical office - I think! I don't have the particulars yet, but I know she is thrilled. Jordynn will be in day care, but its the day care her best friend used for both her babies so it can be trusted.
• Evan is doing wonderful living in Corvallis OR with his girlfriend who attends college there. While still going to monthly NAVY drills in Springfield OR, he also took on a resale job at K Mart to get his bills paid. He continues to hope to find a M-F job, preferably paying a lot more than he's getting now! He is happy, is strong, so handsome and I love this guy to PIECES!
• Today is Thanksgiving but I am working. I will be cooking my turkey and famous dressing on Saturday, as usual. Evan will be coming over after work and Johna will be joining us. Chris will not be with us and Ashley has to work so it will not be a large gathering. I plan on preparing some food Friday night, doing some cleaning, and then up early to roast the bird and work on the side dishes.
  
• Ashley is working her heart out at Macy's. They love her there and she loves it there but quite honestly, they have taken full advantage of her sweetness and do not give her more than 20 hrs a week and have never given her a pay increase :( She is also going to school and loving her french and ballroom dance classes. She takes a couple other serious classes and does so well! Chris, well not so much. He is having a difficult time. He of course has been brain washed and mind manipulated by his father so it is hard for him to know about reality. He failed a couple classes, has not taken work seriously enough, and got a speeding ticket that he totally ignored (and didn't tell his mom or I about it, we had to find the ticket in his room!) Right now we just pray that the hard lessons we are trying to teach him will bring him good and that he will remember how much we care but we will not let him continue to try to BS with us and around the house. I had to pretty much kick Chris out after the stunt and I hope Chris will learn that I am not going to allow him to stay in a house with his bending of the rules, showing disrespect and lying to all of us. He has a younger brother to show an example of and he is now 19. Grow up dear or leave and grow up then come talk to us. I just hope Heather knows its about helping him, not to hurt him! Jonny, well he is doing OK! He just turned 17 and got his ears pierced. He will not make school his #1 priority as he should and has not found a job. He is not going to take up sports right now and, well..he enjoys being with his friends and "hanging out". I love it when I ask what did you do? "we hung out". I know exactly what that means! We smoked cigarettes and talked about girls.Yeah, I did that too, haha!
  
• Heather is amazing. She is my continued rescue ship, my partner, my audience, my ring leader, my strength and my life! I never in a million years could have asked for a better 1/2 than she is.
  

MY DREAM:

To get married legally so the federal government will recognize us as equal to all other couples in America that marry for the same reasons. Heather says she could give a shit about the feds. I say, no way! Its not fair and I am going to fight for this right.

(update added 12/08/2011)
I realize I don't care any longer about waiting for the feds to approve my marriage. I still want that, very much so! However, life is too short. You have to find the happiness that is within reach for the here and now. What is here now is my love for Heather and how a wedding with all that I dream of will become the reality! When the feds say ok, then we will slip off to the court house. But, I do not wanna wait. I want the dream to come true now.

That's all for now. I'm not feeling well these last couple of days and grown tired with all this typing!

I hope you are caught up now, at least on some things. I love you - you know who you are ;)

up to no good

I feel like I am and should be invisible. I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel like I'm a phony and I don't really have anyone. I don't trust anything or anyone right now. I'm not a cutter or a druggie or even an alcoholic. But I feel I should be gone because I feel no sense of life right now. I don't know why heather loves me. I think everyone is laughing at me - except my two kids - and I feel that I don't deserve anything positive. If I were braver or had any money I'd pack my bags and head to a remote 1 room cabin where I could hide from the world to finish my life however long God wishes to let me live. I am not reaching out for help, I just believe you might understand my deep core of pain and sense of empty. I've never approved of myself so I expect none from anyone else. People laugh at my jokes. They like my upbeat words I have of my partner and kids. They are curious watchers just as they are of zoo animals, freak shows, and car accidents. Interesting for a moment, but quickly forgotten the next. I am completely empty right now as I lie in my bed shameful of all that I do and I think. I am sickened when I go over in my head how I've been a complete idiot when I've thought that someone likes Me for me or when I think flirting is appreciated. The reality side of me wants to hit my head against the wall so I can remind myself to stop making me appear such a fool and to end the illusion that I am normal when all I can see is fake

Why?

why does it happen all the time. life is going by, you are happier than you feel you could ever be. it seems as if everyone is smiling. everyone is loving. the colors in the world are bright and the birds are singing and the smell of life is everywhere.
then a brick falls from the sky. you see stars and the light dulls. your head feels like it has been divided in two and you will never be the same again. you say goodbye to life in this moment, feeling that its over. all that you had hoped for. all that you thought was real. all that i wanted so bad was a dream and it never existed. it was a foolish glimpse of how others live. i could never be worthy enough to have so much beauty for i am nothing. i am a joke.

Me - Who loves ya baby!

So, I'm trying to get back to posting. I want to go back to the last post and give 'daily' updates. It will take a minute or two, but it will be worth it! For now.....

Looking ahead, I know who I have in my life to count on - who really knows me and loves me.

To my mother, she is amazing and loving and kind and has always loved me and tried in her way to show this love through my childhood, my teens and my adult years. I know I was tough at times, but having to live through the hell we had to live through, I know you understand why. I forgive you for anything that was not meant to be done to harm me, as well as I know you have forgiven me for the times I reacted and behaved as I did.

My partner, she is my inspiration to continue to be 'better'. The 2nd half of my life has already been beyond any happiness I could have ever hoped to find. You are the happy breaths I breathe daily. My only wish is to die looking at your beautiful face with the smile that YOU placed on me that day in December <3

My children who support me, reach out to me, and love me unconditionally. My daughter in law who has shown me that blood does not a family make and has blessed me with the grandest of all grand daughters! My step children who have put up with two moms, and love me anyway! My friends - the real ones (you know wh0 you are!) - who accept me, include me, laugh with me, cry with me and never forget the "real me" and overlook the times I'm grumpy! My puppies who love me unconditionally and keep me warm and always smiling! My job, even though I might not always 'love' it, I am thankful for it and for those who are with me there and who appreciate what I am there to do for them and the company. To my sweet niece (and grand niece!) and adorable nephews, you are more dear to me than you'll ever know :)

To my sisters - I love you but you do not know me. You've failed to try to treat me fair and see my life, even though I've always tired to take into consideration the changes you have made in your lives. You've treated me with disrespect at many turns and failed to allow me to be equal. You've vented to me, you've not listened to me, and you've always expected something different from me than I am. I am truly sorry for that. However, I will never not love you for you have both brought much joy to me. I forgive you.

To my biological father - I know you never understood me and see things as one dimensional. Its OK. I forgive you for that and I hope you can look back on your life - at the age you have reached - and be content with the choices you have made. To his wife, you are a mean, uncaring, selfish, disrespectful, angry, sad and confused woman. You pretend to be one thing but are another. I think it had to do with your cultural upbringing as well as the parenting you have had. I take that into consideration and do not hate you because of it.

I am trying to love me for me. To not beat myself up because those who mattered so much to me didn't love me the way I 'wanted' the love from them. For me to become healthy, I have to LOVE MYSELF COMPLETELY and accept that I am not perfect and keep going on. I will not give up the me who I already love, and yet I will keep trying to be better in the areas I am sure can improve!

Thank you

How I feel Right Now

Like this post or not, I really don't give a shit.
Here is how I feel:

I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I do not think there is a soul that is alive that understands me and maybe, just maybe that is the way my life will go on. I should be alone? Whatever. I've never been right, why start at age 51?!

Grammy WenDee!!!

So, I'm a grandma! Actually, I've been a grandma - or as I prefer to be called, Grammy - since August 19th 2011. Our precious little Jordynn Marie Riley was born at 2:31 AM weighing in at 7 lbs 3.5 ounces (since when do they go 1/2 oz?!) and measuring 21 inches long. Jason says that the Dr. said its more like 20 since her head was cone shaped due to the delivery :)
I cannot express how much I love this little girl. It's so new, yet she has always been a part of me. How is that possible? I always wanted Jason to become a father. Due to him having so much medical work and x-rays and stuff, I really was never sure! I never wanted to voice my fears as I didn't ever want to really contemplate the alternative.
Now, Evan stated quite a while ago that he will have many children. My fear for him since he was around 15, was that he would have 3 children, by 3 women, none of them being a wife. hahaha! He's changed a lot since then!
This little girl has completed Jason and Jennifer. They are the most adorable parents and are going to do a magnificent job, I just feel that deep within my being. And, I and Heather will love this little girl forever and ever and ever. I hope Jordynn will always know that she has an amazing father and mother. She could not have asked for a Daddy who would love her more or a Mommy who will protect her more. These parents will do anything to make sure she knows she is as special as she is and will become!
Jordynn: I love you!!!! xoxoxoxo

Drafted 8/14

And so I did. I sent an apology. I just wanted the weight of the yuck to leave me. I thought it might help with freeing me so I could concentrate on myself again. I thought and thought and thought a long time before sending an email. This is what I sent:

Dear Dad and Gloria,

I wish to extend my hand asking for forgiveness for what had happened during the emotional period following my sons wedding last May. If you believe that I was too harsh, then I am sorry for that.
I don't know what else to say other than please let things just rest. There have been far too many words already spoken thus far that have caused so much hurt.

I wish you both well.

Love, WenDee

AND two days later I get this fucking piece of garbage from a woman who is evil to the core:

WenDee , this is Gloria. I just want to let you know that I have accepted your apology even though it does not sound very sincere. However, I don't think that, that kind of apology is fair to your Dad. Not only are you trying to make it as if "he believes that you were too harsh" but you are not admitting to doing anything wrong.

Do you really believe that it is fair to your Dad to just say I am sorry? You not only screamed at him in front of all the people at the hotel restaurant, but you continued to insult him through your E-mails, calling him names that I would never even think of calling my enemies. Then telling him that he had never given you anything. Your Dad sent you an E-mail reminding you of all the things that he had given you and done for you in the hopes that you would understand where he was coming. Instead you turned it around and told him that those were things that he was supposed to do and that he never thinks of anything but money. Don't you think that hurt him? Also, you have contributed to the fact that your children, HIS GRAND-SONS have stopped talking to him. Jason has never even sent an E-mail telling us they came back from their honeymoon. At Christmas time, we sent Jason and Jennifer Christmas money in their Christmas card and what happened? they cashed the check, but we never heard anything from them. It has been over a year that they got married and have never heard anything from them. Don't you think we know who poisoned their minds? Evan was the same thing. We found out that he had enlisted in the Navy, but he never contacted us to let us know. We still have not heard from him. He was the one that was always very sweet. He told us at Paula's wedding that he was so thankful that we were his grand-parents, however we have not heard anything from him since that day. You sent us a very nasty E-mail because we had forgotten his birthday and his Christmas gift, but you expect us to give them gifts and cards etc when they don't even notify us of what they are doing? And who is to be blamed? We couldn't send him anything because we did not have any idea where he was.

Your Dad is very, Very hurt not only with you but with your children. He knows that their minds have been poisoned, but they are old enough to know better and to know we have not done anything at all to hurt you or to hurt them. He has been very hurt with all the hurtful things that you called him when you started sending those horrible E-mails and calling us cussing and calling us names that like I said, I have never used in my life and I would never used to insult my worst enemy let alone my own dad.

You know in your heart that we did not do anything wrong. Paula had asked us to please be there early since we had to change clothes, I had offered to take pictures of her while she was getting ready, etc. We had promised her we would do that, and we knew that you could find somebody else to take Jason and Jennifer to Simi. Any way, I don't think I have to go through all these. I understand you were very "emotional" because Jason was getting married, but there was absolutely no reason for you to take it out on us and not only that, you continued with your nasty ness and your hurtful insulting E-mails and calls.

Please think about it. I am not being nasty, just like I was not nasty on my previous letter. I just want you to think about all you have done to your dad and be more remorseful of all the hurt you have caused your dad and really ask him for forgiveness.

Like I said, I accept your apology, I love you but you did not hurt me like you hurt your dad. He is the one that loves you very much and that resulted on his being so hurt. Please think about it and if it is in your heart, either call him or send him an E-mail really telling him what is in your heart. I am sure he would appreciate it and help the healing

Gloria

Fuck you Gloria in your hispanic ass! You are a cruel mean person who never bore a child therefore never had an ounce of understanding what it means to be a parent.

Fuck you Gloria for speaking - once again - for my father.

Fuck you for calling me names again. Saying I poisoned my children against you and my dad. You did the bullshit poisoning when you treated their mother like scum and told her to go to hell.

Fuck you Gloria for thinking my son had any obligation to call you when he went into the Navy. Fucking bitch you don't deserve to know anything about my sons or my life.

Fuck you for not calling them and being the bigger person. Oh, wait, that's because you are evil and not a normal person who has no idea what taste and respect is with other humans.

Fuck you Dad for allowing this wicked witch to get in the middle of you and I. You beat my brother and he left home the minute he could escape your bitterness. You abused my oldest sister by belittling her over and over again, to the point that she has scars and now will do just anything to get you to 'love her'. Problem is you have no idea how to love. You cast my middle sister out of your life because she was an emotional basket case before she was diagnosed with bi polar. You never attempted to get her back. I think you were glad to have one less child. My brother died in flames and smoke and I wonder if he EVER thought about you before taking his last breath, I wonder if he questioned why he wasn't good enough for you to accept him as he was?

Well, FUCK YOU BOTH if you do not accept me as I am. Fuck you for pushing and pushing and pushing. You do not deserve my love nor that of my children and I'll be damned certain you won't have anything to do with my grand daughter.

I hate you for hating me. I hate you for rejecting me. I hate you for not ever knowing how to have the fucking BALLS to come to me and talk. I will get past this. I will survive. I will not allow you to keep me pushed down to where you wanted me to be.

what a *B* itch

I get a random email from my step mother asking me to beg her for forgiveness. She says "It is time to make amends and ask me to forgive you. If you don't think you can do that, then it would be better to forget you have a father" oh, and before she says this, she states: "Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if a daughter understood what to HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER the way God commanded her means?"

Yeah piece of shit, you go ahead and just wait for my 'apology' ... better yet, why don't you just go color your hair and make your homemade burritos and forget your husband has 3 daughters, not 2. After all, he's forgotten that by now. Nice cherry to my rotten day.