What (who) do I see

What do I see when I look in the mirror? Today I see someone who I feel sorry for. I feel sad that she repeatedly feels unloved, unwanted, and unacceptable. She is very overweight, she can hardle breathe without walking 5 minutes. She tries; she smiles and she hides that she is heavy, breathing through her nose and slightly opened lips. Sometimes she forget people are looking at her when she gasps for air. This woman was once so pretty and fun and actually important in the careers she has held. She was respected, given gifts, paid well and held high positions. That was then. The last 10 years of my employment with 4 different government contractors supporting NASA began amazing. I really found joy in my job duties and interacting with important and smart co-workers, even test pilots and engineers! Then covid came and I worked from home. I sincerely thought it was temporary. I enjoyed the freedom I had with being at home but then subtlety I began to miss seeing my teammates in person rather than on zoom or teams online meetings. It began fun, it ended horribly. It was a reminder that 'all good thing will come to an end'. My marriage to my childrens father. I trusted the woman who asked me to jump and she'd catch me and keep me safe - forever. I trusted that my children would always love me, that feeling of never doubting the love we had for each other. I trusted medication would help me look smaller, and I'd find acceptance with friends and the strangers in the world. I thought the grandchildren I'd have would know me always, and love me and want to be with me, Who would call me and receive my calls. Everything ended. First in 2012 when my partner of 13 years told me she didn't want me anymore. Soon after, my best friend - my irish twin sister Karla - died and I was lost. Then in 2016 with my younger son walked away from my life and 10 years later I still don't know his two children or proof that he is even alive. Then in 2019 when my marrage ended when I could no longer trust the marrage. Then March 2020, shattering change in the new covid world and in how society lived. Then In 2025 a devastating cruise to Alaska when I apparently lost all trust with my granddaughter. In 2026 I just couldn't take it anymore. I retired - and probably two years too early. I gave up my charming and VERY comfortable and safe cottage I had lived in for 4 years because rent would be too high to afford living on only social security. I made the decision to live with my 95 year old mom on the weekends, and stay with my sister and brother in law Monday night to Friday afternoon. my "ONE YEAR PLAN". I'm almost 3 months in with this plan, and I realise I'm losing myself. I'm not me anymore. I didn't know how hard it would be to not have my own space; my own fridge, my own AC temps, My little safe unit that I could enjoy and answer to no one. I could put my personal items anywhere and NO ONE asked me to put it away. I could cook my own meals and meal prep with containers pilied high in the fridge and no one would say a word about it. Dishes were optional, sheet changes were on my time, laundry wasn't questioned and mostly I wasn't being reminded of how the Electric bill had increased. I could bring my computer anywhere and it was never in the way of someones space. I could listen to MY music loud anytime of day (or night!) You get the point. At this stage I am NOT happy. In fact I know I've made a huge mistake - again. Story of my life it seems. Making mistakes. However knowing I have overcome obstacles in my past, I know this will pass (but no idea how or when!). I need patience, friends who I can confide in, little get aways to rebuild my soul, and anything else that I can muster to help me not lose it completely. Please pray for me. I need to figure my new life out before something really awful happens that will be permmanent.