LOL

Yup. LOL. LOL'ing at my life is my every day occurrence. Someone recently told me that I did it to someone before, so maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe its my turn to have it done to me. Its now my time to suffer. I didn't suffer enough as a child and a teenager, bullied, molested, raped, abandoned.....I need to suffer some more. I deserve the suffering. I might do enough repentance in my life to finally have some relief, but I doubt it. I doubt I will be deserving to have a simple and happy life.
1. I'm too fucking complicated.
2. I want too much
3. I ask for too much
4. I push
5. I suffocate
6. I don't allow those to be free
7. I give too much
8. I do not give enough to me
9. I have too low self esteme
10. I do not value myself enough
11. I put you first too often?
12. I suffocate - I break - I am a fuck up - Why the hell should I keep trying? Its too hard. Its too fucking hard to perfect in this GD world. I can't be me and just fucking live! I have to think. Think all the time about every GD person. Fuck it. Where is my cabin in the fucking woods? Give me my 1 bedroom retreat and I'll grow a garden and learn to garden. As long as I have the internet I'll be fine. I lived a life of loneliness for many many years I can go back there. Do I want to? Fuck no. But can I? Fuck yes. Give me my computer. My TV. My books/magazines. My garden. My puzzles. My dog. I'll be fucking fine. Then...I won't bother anyone. I will not be this person who 'hurts' who 'punishes' who 'isn't ready for the world. I can be the Grandma that my children and grand children will visit. I will cook. We will play games. We will take walks and gather wood and stones. We will pain. We will invest in what spiritually makes us smile.
This is my life

somewhere I lost it

i feel like i've totally lost. if i have, i can't imagine what i'd do. i have lived the last few years of my life so completely and totally in love with my heather. now, i am not enough. i knew this was happening. i did something very stupid so i gave more ammunition to what was already a fire that i did not know had started. how dumb could i have been? how many years must i live with thinking i deserved something wonderful. what a pity. i'm totally empty today. i lost.

Tipping the Scales

Last night I stepped too far to the left. I was hurt. I was lonely. I was confused. I was feeling once again that I failed, always a failure. I am upset about BT. I think there is much more there and have asked repeatedly why? and to have an honest answer. I don't think I am getting that because I think they want to protect so much that all will not be given to me. Independence. Wanting sense of self. The world feels cold now. The grey skies that I love so much now feel like heavy anvils waiting to fall upon my head. I am expected to find me. I am expected to like/love me. I am asked to be kind to myself. My mind sees only the visions that was witnessed in disgust. I cannot trust right now. I am more lost at this moment than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel my soul hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. I do not know how to do this. Maybe tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light. But not tonight. Tonight its dark and ugly and smelly and flesh dripping in vile vomit.

sometimes

I have this gift. People laugh because they don't understand. I rarely tell people about this gift because sometimes they mock me, push me, test me, or simply dismiss me. However, I have a gift of knowing people. It's like they are exposed before me of what is in their heart - what they are thinking of, what they are hiding from. Most of the time I feel sorry for them because they are just being dishonest with themselves trying to run. Its the people that I am the closest to that I read so well, yet they try so hard to 'prove me wrong'. I know what I know, but the more I push the more they tell me how very wrong I am.
Its always comes back that I was right.
Always.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this gift so I could learn to trust more. So I could believe in fantasy or miracles or just the unknown and how it might all work out. However, its not the case.
I also wish that this gift could be used on myself in regard to things happening around me. Oh, its not the people. As I've said I already have them figured out even if they will not admit that I am/was right. Its about things happening to me.
My job.
My health.
My life in general.
Found out I have either a cyst or tumor on my left ovary. This is why I've had pain for the last month or so. However, during an internal ultrasound I found out I have something going on in my uterus. Could be fibroid cysts or tumor that just need to be removed. Could be a thick lining that needs a D&C. Could be cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. Could be cancer. wow. I just typed the word cancer and it feels weird to type that word. it's like a final word. cancer. hmm. I was in the ER, than admitted into the hospital. Then came home. And I was supposed to forget all about what I just went through. Forget my own pain. Forget my own insecurities. Forget it all.
I will call the Dr. tomorrow, the GYN, to set up an appointment. According to the ER Doc, this needs to be done ASAP. I guess they want to do a endrometrial biopsy. yuck. it hurts like hell. I had one once. I felt like I was being raped then had an abortion all at the same time. It feels like a total violation. And, so, here is the first day of the journey. What road is this going to be? cancer? who knows. sometimes it is. sometimes it isn't. we'll see soon enough.

11 days since the last time I wrote

Let me try to catch you up.
November 13 I was in a dark place. My dark place gets smaller and smaller some days. I'm not sure why it even exists because I am so ridiculously thankful for the many wonderful and amazing things in my life. However, it does remain that place - over there - in the corner. Waiting behind the black door with 3 hinges. There are no windows in that small room because there is no need to see out and certainly I do not wish for any to peer inside when I visit this room. So, sometimes I visit that place but I always end up emerging...and I gain strength. Until, the next time!

I'm going to put some bullet points up here to try, again, to get everyone up to speed :)

• My grand daughter Jordynn is so ridiculously adorable! She is the most precious thing in the world! Jason and Jennifer are enjoying being parents and love their little girl so very much. They have just moved down south, back to Southern California, to where they have found a rental house (a huge one!) which is 7 minutes from Jennifer's moms (Karin) and 7 minutes to my mom!! Jennifer's brother Kenny is living with them and there is a steady guest room (my room!) that I plan on using, a lot!
  
• Jason got a job working in home health care with the Antelope Valley Hospital. He will start soon and after a few weeks of training will be visiting patients to care for. I'm pretty sure most of them will be post surgery patients that need wound checks, etc.
• Jennifer got a job as a supervisor in a medical office - I think! I don't have the particulars yet, but I know she is thrilled. Jordynn will be in day care, but its the day care her best friend used for both her babies so it can be trusted.
• Evan is doing wonderful living in Corvallis OR with his girlfriend who attends college there. While still going to monthly NAVY drills in Springfield OR, he also took on a resale job at K Mart to get his bills paid. He continues to hope to find a M-F job, preferably paying a lot more than he's getting now! He is happy, is strong, so handsome and I love this guy to PIECES!
• Today is Thanksgiving but I am working. I will be cooking my turkey and famous dressing on Saturday, as usual. Evan will be coming over after work and Johna will be joining us. Chris will not be with us and Ashley has to work so it will not be a large gathering. I plan on preparing some food Friday night, doing some cleaning, and then up early to roast the bird and work on the side dishes.
  
• Ashley is working her heart out at Macy's. They love her there and she loves it there but quite honestly, they have taken full advantage of her sweetness and do not give her more than 20 hrs a week and have never given her a pay increase :( She is also going to school and loving her french and ballroom dance classes. She takes a couple other serious classes and does so well! Chris, well not so much. He is having a difficult time. He of course has been brain washed and mind manipulated by his father so it is hard for him to know about reality. He failed a couple classes, has not taken work seriously enough, and got a speeding ticket that he totally ignored (and didn't tell his mom or I about it, we had to find the ticket in his room!) Right now we just pray that the hard lessons we are trying to teach him will bring him good and that he will remember how much we care but we will not let him continue to try to BS with us and around the house. I had to pretty much kick Chris out after the stunt and I hope Chris will learn that I am not going to allow him to stay in a house with his bending of the rules, showing disrespect and lying to all of us. He has a younger brother to show an example of and he is now 19. Grow up dear or leave and grow up then come talk to us. I just hope Heather knows its about helping him, not to hurt him! Jonny, well he is doing OK! He just turned 17 and got his ears pierced. He will not make school his #1 priority as he should and has not found a job. He is not going to take up sports right now and, well..he enjoys being with his friends and "hanging out". I love it when I ask what did you do? "we hung out". I know exactly what that means! We smoked cigarettes and talked about girls.Yeah, I did that too, haha!
  
• Heather is amazing. She is my continued rescue ship, my partner, my audience, my ring leader, my strength and my life! I never in a million years could have asked for a better 1/2 than she is.
  

MY DREAM:

To get married legally so the federal government will recognize us as equal to all other couples in America that marry for the same reasons. Heather says she could give a shit about the feds. I say, no way! Its not fair and I am going to fight for this right.

(update added 12/08/2011)
I realize I don't care any longer about waiting for the feds to approve my marriage. I still want that, very much so! However, life is too short. You have to find the happiness that is within reach for the here and now. What is here now is my love for Heather and how a wedding with all that I dream of will become the reality! When the feds say ok, then we will slip off to the court house. But, I do not wanna wait. I want the dream to come true now.

That's all for now. I'm not feeling well these last couple of days and grown tired with all this typing!

I hope you are caught up now, at least on some things. I love you - you know who you are ;)

up to no good

I feel like I am and should be invisible. I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel like I'm a phony and I don't really have anyone. I don't trust anything or anyone right now. I'm not a cutter or a druggie or even an alcoholic. But I feel I should be gone because I feel no sense of life right now. I don't know why heather loves me. I think everyone is laughing at me - except my two kids - and I feel that I don't deserve anything positive. If I were braver or had any money I'd pack my bags and head to a remote 1 room cabin where I could hide from the world to finish my life however long God wishes to let me live. I am not reaching out for help, I just believe you might understand my deep core of pain and sense of empty. I've never approved of myself so I expect none from anyone else. People laugh at my jokes. They like my upbeat words I have of my partner and kids. They are curious watchers just as they are of zoo animals, freak shows, and car accidents. Interesting for a moment, but quickly forgotten the next. I am completely empty right now as I lie in my bed shameful of all that I do and I think. I am sickened when I go over in my head how I've been a complete idiot when I've thought that someone likes Me for me or when I think flirting is appreciated. The reality side of me wants to hit my head against the wall so I can remind myself to stop making me appear such a fool and to end the illusion that I am normal when all I can see is fake

Why?

why does it happen all the time. life is going by, you are happier than you feel you could ever be. it seems as if everyone is smiling. everyone is loving. the colors in the world are bright and the birds are singing and the smell of life is everywhere.
then a brick falls from the sky. you see stars and the light dulls. your head feels like it has been divided in two and you will never be the same again. you say goodbye to life in this moment, feeling that its over. all that you had hoped for. all that you thought was real. all that i wanted so bad was a dream and it never existed. it was a foolish glimpse of how others live. i could never be worthy enough to have so much beauty for i am nothing. i am a joke.

Me - Who loves ya baby!

So, I'm trying to get back to posting. I want to go back to the last post and give 'daily' updates. It will take a minute or two, but it will be worth it! For now.....

Looking ahead, I know who I have in my life to count on - who really knows me and loves me.

To my mother, she is amazing and loving and kind and has always loved me and tried in her way to show this love through my childhood, my teens and my adult years. I know I was tough at times, but having to live through the hell we had to live through, I know you understand why. I forgive you for anything that was not meant to be done to harm me, as well as I know you have forgiven me for the times I reacted and behaved as I did.

My partner, she is my inspiration to continue to be 'better'. The 2nd half of my life has already been beyond any happiness I could have ever hoped to find. You are the happy breaths I breathe daily. My only wish is to die looking at your beautiful face with the smile that YOU placed on me that day in December <3

My children who support me, reach out to me, and love me unconditionally. My daughter in law who has shown me that blood does not a family make and has blessed me with the grandest of all grand daughters! My step children who have put up with two moms, and love me anyway! My friends - the real ones (you know wh0 you are!) - who accept me, include me, laugh with me, cry with me and never forget the "real me" and overlook the times I'm grumpy! My puppies who love me unconditionally and keep me warm and always smiling! My job, even though I might not always 'love' it, I am thankful for it and for those who are with me there and who appreciate what I am there to do for them and the company. To my sweet niece (and grand niece!) and adorable nephews, you are more dear to me than you'll ever know :)

To my sisters - I love you but you do not know me. You've failed to try to treat me fair and see my life, even though I've always tired to take into consideration the changes you have made in your lives. You've treated me with disrespect at many turns and failed to allow me to be equal. You've vented to me, you've not listened to me, and you've always expected something different from me than I am. I am truly sorry for that. However, I will never not love you for you have both brought much joy to me. I forgive you.

To my biological father - I know you never understood me and see things as one dimensional. Its OK. I forgive you for that and I hope you can look back on your life - at the age you have reached - and be content with the choices you have made. To his wife, you are a mean, uncaring, selfish, disrespectful, angry, sad and confused woman. You pretend to be one thing but are another. I think it had to do with your cultural upbringing as well as the parenting you have had. I take that into consideration and do not hate you because of it.

I am trying to love me for me. To not beat myself up because those who mattered so much to me didn't love me the way I 'wanted' the love from them. For me to become healthy, I have to LOVE MYSELF COMPLETELY and accept that I am not perfect and keep going on. I will not give up the me who I already love, and yet I will keep trying to be better in the areas I am sure can improve!

Thank you

How I feel Right Now

Like this post or not, I really don't give a shit.
Here is how I feel:

I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I do not think there is a soul that is alive that understands me and maybe, just maybe that is the way my life will go on. I should be alone? Whatever. I've never been right, why start at age 51?!

Grammy WenDee!!!

So, I'm a grandma! Actually, I've been a grandma - or as I prefer to be called, Grammy - since August 19th 2011. Our precious little Jordynn Marie Riley was born at 2:31 AM weighing in at 7 lbs 3.5 ounces (since when do they go 1/2 oz?!) and measuring 21 inches long. Jason says that the Dr. said its more like 20 since her head was cone shaped due to the delivery :)
I cannot express how much I love this little girl. It's so new, yet she has always been a part of me. How is that possible? I always wanted Jason to become a father. Due to him having so much medical work and x-rays and stuff, I really was never sure! I never wanted to voice my fears as I didn't ever want to really contemplate the alternative.
Now, Evan stated quite a while ago that he will have many children. My fear for him since he was around 15, was that he would have 3 children, by 3 women, none of them being a wife. hahaha! He's changed a lot since then!
This little girl has completed Jason and Jennifer. They are the most adorable parents and are going to do a magnificent job, I just feel that deep within my being. And, I and Heather will love this little girl forever and ever and ever. I hope Jordynn will always know that she has an amazing father and mother. She could not have asked for a Daddy who would love her more or a Mommy who will protect her more. These parents will do anything to make sure she knows she is as special as she is and will become!
Jordynn: I love you!!!! xoxoxoxo

Drafted 8/14

And so I did. I sent an apology. I just wanted the weight of the yuck to leave me. I thought it might help with freeing me so I could concentrate on myself again. I thought and thought and thought a long time before sending an email. This is what I sent:

Dear Dad and Gloria,

I wish to extend my hand asking for forgiveness for what had happened during the emotional period following my sons wedding last May. If you believe that I was too harsh, then I am sorry for that.
I don't know what else to say other than please let things just rest. There have been far too many words already spoken thus far that have caused so much hurt.

I wish you both well.

Love, WenDee

AND two days later I get this fucking piece of garbage from a woman who is evil to the core:

WenDee , this is Gloria. I just want to let you know that I have accepted your apology even though it does not sound very sincere. However, I don't think that, that kind of apology is fair to your Dad. Not only are you trying to make it as if "he believes that you were too harsh" but you are not admitting to doing anything wrong.

Do you really believe that it is fair to your Dad to just say I am sorry? You not only screamed at him in front of all the people at the hotel restaurant, but you continued to insult him through your E-mails, calling him names that I would never even think of calling my enemies. Then telling him that he had never given you anything. Your Dad sent you an E-mail reminding you of all the things that he had given you and done for you in the hopes that you would understand where he was coming. Instead you turned it around and told him that those were things that he was supposed to do and that he never thinks of anything but money. Don't you think that hurt him? Also, you have contributed to the fact that your children, HIS GRAND-SONS have stopped talking to him. Jason has never even sent an E-mail telling us they came back from their honeymoon. At Christmas time, we sent Jason and Jennifer Christmas money in their Christmas card and what happened? they cashed the check, but we never heard anything from them. It has been over a year that they got married and have never heard anything from them. Don't you think we know who poisoned their minds? Evan was the same thing. We found out that he had enlisted in the Navy, but he never contacted us to let us know. We still have not heard from him. He was the one that was always very sweet. He told us at Paula's wedding that he was so thankful that we were his grand-parents, however we have not heard anything from him since that day. You sent us a very nasty E-mail because we had forgotten his birthday and his Christmas gift, but you expect us to give them gifts and cards etc when they don't even notify us of what they are doing? And who is to be blamed? We couldn't send him anything because we did not have any idea where he was.

Your Dad is very, Very hurt not only with you but with your children. He knows that their minds have been poisoned, but they are old enough to know better and to know we have not done anything at all to hurt you or to hurt them. He has been very hurt with all the hurtful things that you called him when you started sending those horrible E-mails and calling us cussing and calling us names that like I said, I have never used in my life and I would never used to insult my worst enemy let alone my own dad.

You know in your heart that we did not do anything wrong. Paula had asked us to please be there early since we had to change clothes, I had offered to take pictures of her while she was getting ready, etc. We had promised her we would do that, and we knew that you could find somebody else to take Jason and Jennifer to Simi. Any way, I don't think I have to go through all these. I understand you were very "emotional" because Jason was getting married, but there was absolutely no reason for you to take it out on us and not only that, you continued with your nasty ness and your hurtful insulting E-mails and calls.

Please think about it. I am not being nasty, just like I was not nasty on my previous letter. I just want you to think about all you have done to your dad and be more remorseful of all the hurt you have caused your dad and really ask him for forgiveness.

Like I said, I accept your apology, I love you but you did not hurt me like you hurt your dad. He is the one that loves you very much and that resulted on his being so hurt. Please think about it and if it is in your heart, either call him or send him an E-mail really telling him what is in your heart. I am sure he would appreciate it and help the healing

Gloria

Fuck you Gloria in your hispanic ass! You are a cruel mean person who never bore a child therefore never had an ounce of understanding what it means to be a parent.

Fuck you Gloria for speaking - once again - for my father.

Fuck you for calling me names again. Saying I poisoned my children against you and my dad. You did the bullshit poisoning when you treated their mother like scum and told her to go to hell.

Fuck you Gloria for thinking my son had any obligation to call you when he went into the Navy. Fucking bitch you don't deserve to know anything about my sons or my life.

Fuck you for not calling them and being the bigger person. Oh, wait, that's because you are evil and not a normal person who has no idea what taste and respect is with other humans.

Fuck you Dad for allowing this wicked witch to get in the middle of you and I. You beat my brother and he left home the minute he could escape your bitterness. You abused my oldest sister by belittling her over and over again, to the point that she has scars and now will do just anything to get you to 'love her'. Problem is you have no idea how to love. You cast my middle sister out of your life because she was an emotional basket case before she was diagnosed with bi polar. You never attempted to get her back. I think you were glad to have one less child. My brother died in flames and smoke and I wonder if he EVER thought about you before taking his last breath, I wonder if he questioned why he wasn't good enough for you to accept him as he was?

Well, FUCK YOU BOTH if you do not accept me as I am. Fuck you for pushing and pushing and pushing. You do not deserve my love nor that of my children and I'll be damned certain you won't have anything to do with my grand daughter.

I hate you for hating me. I hate you for rejecting me. I hate you for not ever knowing how to have the fucking BALLS to come to me and talk. I will get past this. I will survive. I will not allow you to keep me pushed down to where you wanted me to be.

what a *B* itch

I get a random email from my step mother asking me to beg her for forgiveness. She says "It is time to make amends and ask me to forgive you. If you don't think you can do that, then it would be better to forget you have a father" oh, and before she says this, she states: "Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if a daughter understood what to HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER the way God commanded her means?"

Yeah piece of shit, you go ahead and just wait for my 'apology' ... better yet, why don't you just go color your hair and make your homemade burritos and forget your husband has 3 daughters, not 2. After all, he's forgotten that by now. Nice cherry to my rotten day.

Magical Orcas Island

Orcas Island - In the San Juan Islands

July 16 2010

So, we drove up to Anacortes WA, jumped on a ferry for an hour long trip over the Puget sound to an island called Orcas. Splendid. Lovely. Amazingly cute.

The rest was written about a Lie. The BT played with our emotions, captivated H with her wit and big words and worldly ways, and basically brain washed her sweet sweet spirit. BT RUINED MY LIFE.

Liquid Diets?

So, my friend Maryn who had RNY (gastric surgery) was in a situation where she wanted to lose a few lbs she had gained. She went on what she called 5 day pouch diet, link is: http://www.5daypouchtest.com/

I watched her go through it and was intrigued! So, I got on the band wagon. Weighed myself on day #1 and was shocked I had gained EVEN MORE since I began gaining weight last October. Well, I took on this challenge and did the work. Day #2, I was down 3 1/2 pounds! Day #3, I was down another 2 pounds. Day #4, down another 2 1/2 pounds! Day #5 is tomorrow and to be honest, I feel so good and want to just see the weight leave like this on going! I have to add protein to my daily intake so I will eat tuna and maybe scrambled eggs for dinner along with my protein shakes (I'm using slim fast) and sugar free jello and pudding.

I know its not natural, and trust me....I'll NEVER be anorexic because I LOVE food way too much... but I'm happy to get rid of the ugly fat. It feels good to be in control of what I eat and not 'graze' which always ends up in a sad story! I will go back to eating 'normal' foods, but I like the idea of getting back in touch with planning what to eat for the day so things are organized. I want to be down another 18 pounds by August 20th. This will bring me to my lowest weight loss since I was on a quest to lose weight.

I am swimming Monday and Wednesday nights, along with riding my bike to work these two days and going on a 30 min. bike ride during my lunch. On Thursday and Friday I go to the gym and do a regular work out. On Sunday I go back again for 1 hour of working out, whatever time is convenient. Tuesday and Saturday are my off days, as I know I need and want my down times. Today, I am starting to do crunches at home. Lets see how that goes!

I just want to look and feel good. I want to never again have back pain when I walk. I want to sit cross legged on a chair, I want to turn heads when I walk into a room, I want to one day be ok with wearing a bathing suit in a public hot tub, I want to look down at my own body and see my legs, without having to push the tummy in!

Busy busy busy summer ahead! We have baby showers, trips to visit friends, camping in August, along with keeping up with myself. My granddaughter is due Sept 4th so there will be a huge change in our life!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, Please God help me thru each day. Amen.

camping June 2011

So, no make up, no blow dryer, no hair spray, just the natural beauty of us :)

So, we went away to go camping next to the ocean and we grounded ourselves from our phone. No calls, no texts, no facebook...what?!! You heard me, no FaceBook! But, when I had a funny comment, the first thing I wanna do is POST! Heather hands me a pad of paper and a pen and says write them down. We'll post them later. So, that is what is here! It may only be funny to Heather and I, however, we had the BEST time on our get away. Really needed this, really enjoyed our time away :)

For your pleasure...

Saturday 2:30 PM

Sudafed refuses to go down...just like a fucking heterosexual man!

Saturday 2:50 PM

WenDee: Dammit! Now I remember what I forgot. Honey, can we stop at another store before we get there? Heather: Not sure we'll pass one of 'those' stores before we get to the beach.

Sunday 4:45 AM

Mrs. Cackle - Go Back To Fucking SLEEP!

Sunday 6:30 AM

Where is my BB gun for the crows and their friend woody (the woodpecker)?!

Sunday 8:30 AM

Duct tape is now known as Dyke tape. Thank you.

Sunday 10:11 AM

Mosquitoes, You SUCK!!

Sunday 11:30

Ahhhh benedryl helps.

Sunday 2:20 PM

You've always LIKED it there!

Sunday 3:00 PM

Heather Best Line: This is why I fell in love with you!

WenDee Best Line: Yeah Heather, we'll just round up!

Sunday 3:25 PM

What's worth losing your entire bag of peanuts to crows and squirrels? You wanna know, ask and I'll text you!

Sunday 4:00 PM

"Its like dessert before dinner"

Sunday 4:15 PM

"....and when I was done, I fried it up and served it with dinner"

Sunday 8:15 PM

Heather: are we still playing?

WenDee: whoever gets to 180 wins. Oh, that's me. I win! :)

Sunday 10:00 PM

Heather: But Mr and Mrs Cackle are still awake

WenDee: I don't care, I'll never see them again!

Monday 9:30 AM

You know you are with the right person when you can make and break camp without a single argument

Monday 4:40 PM

Karma's a bitch - You complain about someones squeaky bed, you GET a squeaky bed! ha ha

We hiked, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled, we built amazing bon fires, we ate fabulously, we watched the water, the sun and the people around us. We took pictures of things that made us smile, of things we wanted to remember. Here are a few of our thoughts.

May 2011

there is a ton of stuff out there giving reason to the quick burial at sea for the ugly, mean, and evil man osama bin laden. for one, no one wants to bury him or have a family member buried near him. for two, its the culture for a quick cleansing of the body and to be buried. you can't compare this burial to michael jackson or other celebrities. these were Americans and there was ceremony to think about. in it time we will see and hear what happened with the killing of bin laden. i'm thrilled that his evil life is extinguished an not on this planet! however, it seems that no matter what this government does, to the nay sayers, its always suspicious or wrong. whats wrong with this picture?! our president never had a chance. too many bigoted racist and right winged conserves that wanted to shut him out even before he walked thru the front doors. i sort of hope president obama doesn't run again. i feel sorry for his family. i'll love to see who this next "perfect" man or woman is going to be since certainly there must be someone out there - considering how everyone thinks our President is doing such an awful job.

WoW

so, we went to jill and maryn's wedding in san jose this past weekend. we were really looking forward to getting out and doing this little driving trip. we miss our get a-ways as we used to do these so often. on the way down to nor cal, we stopped at the kids' house and left the pups. onward to san jose sat morning and went to a really beautiful wedding. saturday night we began getting to know the girls and Patrick. sunday, we went to a fabulous brunch, then later was hanging out, a little shopping, then getting together for a "WOW" night of such fun!

The rest is the beginning of a terrible experience. Evil. Vile Evil Entered Our Lives. And, I let it in. I will NEVER EVER do that again. God, please forgive me!

I know I am not asking for too much!

I met my love, my light, my completion to my puzzle in 1998. I was married to a man. A good man. A wonderful father to our amazing two boys. However, I was not connected to this man as a wife to her husband should have been. I was guilty for many many years because I knew he deserved to have the wife of his dreams. He was patient with me as I went through my depression, never understanding what was really wrong with me. He said he would wait, and that crushed me even more because I felt I was trapped to remain in this relationship, because I truly loved my husband and my children had a wonderful happy life in spite of my own thoughts I was struggling. I was not honest with him about my true inner yearnings. I didn't share with him that as a 9 year old girl I feel in love with my girlfriend. I never told him of the many times I cried because I felt I was in the wrong place as we grew 'up' in our marriage. I was 16 when I met this man, who rescued me from a sad and lonely household. My life until age 15 was church. Hail, fire and brimstone! Teachings of the Bible, and what was "right" and "wrong" according to the leaders of the churches who quoted and lived according to ancient writings - which I learned later had changed hundreds of times according to the cultures and those who translated and transformed those original words into new meanings. I married my rescuer because I was treated kind and I desperately wanted a family. This was the only way I felt I had to choose. Now, jump to 1998 when I met Heather. I resisted. Sure, I had a past during my marriage that I'm not proud of, but this was different. I could not resist her love. I asked for a divorce in 1999 and began my journey to step out in my truth. My road was very challenging, I lost all my 'church' friends, yet I got past that sad part of my life and it finally arrived. In 2006 I moved to Oregon and was able to be complete and open and honest. WoW. How refreshing and freeing! Except...we wanted more. Don't we always want more, especially when we feel we deserve this 'more'. What I want is a wedding followed with a marriage. I want to complete my circle of me. I want everyone to know my place in this family, in my life. I have helped to raise my partners 3 children. If I were not the same gender as my partner, I would be called a hero and encouraged to do the right thing and marry this woman. However, I cannot. At best I'm thought of by others as her room mate, her best friend, her partner, to some I appear to be her sister, even her mother at times! (I am 8 years older than Heather). I didn't really have a wedding back in 1979. Four friends were there, wearing jeans, hanging with us at a little wedding chapel in downtown Los Angeles before we took off to the train station and headed to San Francisco. My oldest sister was my only supporter and made sure I had a little flower bouquet and my husband a little flower to wear in his lapel. My dress was off the rack, on sale, in the basement of JC Penneys. We had very little money and sadly, no support from my parents. My two sisters have had 3 weddings each. My mother and father have had 2 each. All our non same gender friends have had beautiful weddings; celebrations expressed before their family and friends showing their love, their commitment, and their joy in life with each other. My oldest son a year ago had a magical and truly a most special wedding of all. Oh, how I cried in joy for this milestone he was able to take with the love of his life. But inside I was also crying because I felt I would never see a day for myself where others could witness such an outward expression and a new life together with my love in the same way. We are seen as less then. We are not treated equal. Oh sure, we could file lots of documents with the court system and pay lots of money to get a few 'rights' granted to us, the same rights that not same genders couples get for free and are automatically granted when they say I do. This is just wrong. This should create a nation wide outrage as it did within the civil rights movement. As it was when women could not vote. As it was when females could not teach over men in public places. If the reason is that same sex marriages are thought to be less than because of one religious faith based notion, and when we as a country can not even have faith based decorations publicly viewed in government offices, they why - for GODS SAKE - are we basing this decision on an archaic law? Change. Move. Allow true and honest love to shine and flourish! Lets be fair government and those who have not allowed yourself to really think about this on a human level, we need our children to view acceptance of diversity. Different faiths. Different cultures. Different foods. Different cars. Choices! Just because it is not for you, why can it not be for others? Please America. Allow me and my love to stand up in front of family and friends and hold our heads up high proclaiming what every other citizen is allowed to do, Please let me get married and have the same rights that the federal government gives to just 'anyone' who happens to not be the same gender. I cry out for the sake of our children and our childrens children and those that follow. We must make this right. We as a country who prides herself on being fair, and free, and allowing for all to enter the land of prosperity, we must complete the circle.

help

good morning world! so, today i weighed myself. i've not done so because i knew i gained weight. well, i've gained a total of 20 pounds from my lowest point, which was last september. of course, that low point was only there for a minute or two! but this is my life. up and down. only this time i need to get a handle on it so the up doesn't get out of control. we joined a new health club last week and today we go see a trainer who is going to show us the proper way to use all the machines. i've already gone to a yoga class and one water aerobics class, plus two days of working out on the tread mill. i hate exercise! haha :) but, i know what my main problem is and that is the snacking from 7 pm until i fall asleep. i do not do bad during the day, its this night time shit that kills me. so, i push on. i will try again. since i know my weakness - and I know that it will take me down - i will fight it. i will still have a snack, but i will make a wiser decision on the type of snack it is. i'm not a big fan of fruit, but i like veggies and i like popcorn so i will chose that. no more saltines with butter. no more candy. no more chips. no more cookies. God, please help me. please hold me. please remind me. please do not let go of my hearts desire. amen.

Me

I don't want to lose me. Oh, I've misplaced me often in my life, but I thought I finally found me about a year ago. Now, I am only seeing glimpses of me. Where is me? I think walking in the outdoors will help me find me. Maybe riding my bike once again, me will show up. Playing bingo, now me LOVES to play bingo! Yes, I'll play bingo tomorrow and I bet me will be there for a while. Now if only me would help myself understand that I can be happy without giving in to what the old self wants. Me, myself and I need to do an intervention. Will somebody round them up?

Boot Camp - In Review. A look Back.

BC was truly an experience for me, not just for Evan! He decided to join before we had really 'talked' it out. He mentioned to me that he was looking into it, but honestly I couldn't imagine he'd really do it because I knew what he would have to go through and Evan is so focused on healthy eating, his music, and his friends, his guitar, going out - that I didn't think being in the BC environment would be something he could do. However, he could and he did do it!

He joined and was gone in a matter of weeks. To my surprise, he was going to be gone over Christmas, New Years and Valentines day and I had no idea when I would talk with him while he was over in Boot Camp. I was naive and thought that they could call on Sundays. Where I had heard that, I don't remember, but I found out quickly that was not true.

Getting his box was so weird. When you see his own writing on the outside it gives you a sense of connection. I had read that the pant legs would be rolled up but was still surprised to see them like that. I didn't wash these clothes until he became a Sailor, not sure why, I guess I just didn't want to interrupt that vision I wanted to hold onto. As a Navy Mom you tend to grab hold of the weirdest things! At least I did. Inside this box, was the train stub he had still from taking the train to the airport, he had index cards with the NAVY articles he was memorizing, and the tag from a NAVY issued pair of tube socks! I carried this little paper clipped bundle with me in my purse..just to have something tangible of his. I know this might sound crazy to non NAVY moms, but other NAVY moms understand this craziness!

I got a call when he arrived at Great Lakes. It won't be hardly recognizable because they give you a few lines that you are not expecting. I think I was ready to hear, "hey mom! The flight was cool. Its cold over here" But what I heard was a monotone voice telling me he was in GL and this would be the last phone call he'd make from his cell phone and the next call would be in 2 to 3 weeks when he uses his calling card. I thought to myself, ok...he's just in front of others and is in shock with what he is going through. I asked, "are you ok?" he gave me an answer that I still chuckle about! Under his breath he said something like "mom, its shits and bricks, Shits and bricks!" What did that mean?! I found out later it meant hitting the building it was all 'ON' and that is what he was referring to. Weird.

I wrote to Evan every day, but mailed him letters on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I would drive to the post office on my lunch hour. I didn't trust the mail drop at work, I didn't trust my outgoing mailbox at home, I was convinced it was safer to see the letter drop into the huge collection at the PO! Weird. We do really weird things along this path!

Evan called a total of 2 more times after that first night, other than the "You are talking to a genuine US NAVY Salior" call. He wrote only 3 times, 2 of those were about 2 paragraphs. However, afterwards I heard how important my letters were to him. He loved hearing about home. I wrote about the dogs. The cats. My work. Heather. The kids. The weather. My friends! He isn't into sports, but is into politics so I would print news stories about what was going on in the world. I would also rip out a page or two from US Weekly or Times magazine and include that into every letter. I printed his facebook page twice. I secretly sent a message to every one of his FB friends (that I knew) and asked that they posted on his profile page so that he would get a lot of messages. I even sent too many messages that FB blocked me for 24 hours one time! However, it was worth it to hear how happy that made him.

I kept writing and reading and talking to the other Navy 4 Mom's (navyformoms.com) and learned all I needed to know from other moms, from the experienced ones. When it came to graduation, PIR, I had the lingo down pat, and knew exactly what to expect - except of course you can never truly learn how you'll feel when you see your son march through those huge doors in that large auditorium in front of hundreds of other Sailors and families. When I saw my son in front of me after finally making it to the ground floor and he was standing just a couple of feet in front of me, the description I can only give is: Beautiful. He was simply beautiful and beaming! He had come a long way in those 9 1/2 weeks, longer for these kids because of the holidays, and he had made it!

When you are told no news is good news, it is TRUE! You don't want to hear anything because that means there might be something wrong. Well, we are now past that and Evan is in Pensacola Florida waiting to school up - as they say - which is when he will begin his Air Crew schooling. I will write about the graduation weekend in my next blog and post pictures. But I felt needed to go over what the previous 10 weeks has been about for me.

We have still a long way ahead!

MAILMAILMAILMAIL!!

I got another letter from Evan! I was so happy because I had convinced myself that he needed to write to his friends and his dad and brother and he knew I'd be OK without another letter. But he wrote to me!

This is what it says:

Hey Mom! Thanks for the articles! They were very interesting and helped to re stimulate my intellect :) I'm doing good. When you spoke to me that one day I was kinda having a bad day and was really missing my music. But I'm okay :) So, sorry if I sounded upset or anything. I have to go like right now so I'm sorry for the short letter. I found out I'll be in A School for a year. Its official. I heard I get a phone call in 2 weeks but I promise my next letter will be much longer. I only get to write on Sundays and mail letters out to. Tell Heather thanks so much for her letter. I will write her next week. I love you so much. Love, Evan

These words are like gold to me! This was a short letter but his last one was 4 pages long and it was a beautiful tribute to me, his mom, who he loves and appreciates and who misses the heck outta not seeing or hearing from him! But, seriously, I'm OK because I feel so good that he is doing well and getting another letter of confirmation helps even more!

A little Off today

I have to be honest, I'm feeling pretty dejected right now. I miss Evan so much and even though my phone call with him on Tuesday that lasted 37 mins was the highlight of my last 4 weeks, I'm actually feeling less high in spirits as each day passes. It might be because I came down with an awful cold this week and the fact that my work has been very draining, but I just wish I could connect with him more. I've still been writing daily and mailing his letters at the post office on Monday/Wednesdays and Fridays but they seem to have taken on a tone of me asking him questions that I feel won't get answered. I mean, its not like its a text and he can just hit reply and answer them. I don't know when I'll get another call and he's not sent another letter. I only received one letter, which was a most spectacular letter don't get me wrong, but that came 10 days ago and I know that his long time friend got another letter last Thursday and I did not. I read everyones posts on the Navyformoms.com website about whats going on and I don't know these things. I'm outta the loop and it feels awful. I wonder if any other mom feels this way or am I the odd one out? Am I wrong for feeling as I do? I would never voice my feelings to Evan in a letter or a phone call, of course. I look at his clothes in his room, his guitar that goes un-played, his coffee cup not being used and up in the cupboard, his car not driven, his lap top that I have to power up, the list goes on. When I think about his time at bootcamp being short I then quickly am faced with the reality that he also will be gone to A School and not be home then either. Will the phone calls be far between then? Will he be too busy to write as well then? I've resorted to eating through my frustrations and its not a pretty site. This also ticks me off because I know Evan would be really disappointed in me so that also brings me down. I feel like I'm going a little crazy over here feeling very alone in my thoughts and how I feel. There isn't anyone else who can relate and quite frankly, I'm not bringing these feelings to another soul because I feel I already know what they will say. They will say what I would say to someone: He's doing well! He's too busy to write! You should be proud of what he's accomplished! yes yes yes - these are all very true. But, I still feel as I do.

I have no balls

I want to tell my father that he means NOTHING to me. I want to tell my Dad that he is an asshole and no one likes him and people laugh at him behind his back. I want to tell him that he's never had a positive impact on my life. I would like for him to know that he has caused more harm than good to all of his children. I'd like him to realize that he's failed at the role of father. I wish I had the guts to tell him that he's a selfish, inconsiderate, opinionated, mean, disrespectful, shallow, pig headed, stingy, sorry excuse for a dad.

I guess I'll never be that strong to tell him these things. He'll never figure out how to look at this blog either. So, he will die - or maybe I will die first - without him ever knowing how hurt he has made me.

All I wanted was for him to be like my Uncle Bill, or my Uncle Donald or any one of those million other Dads who looked beyond the imperfections of their children and embraced and loved them anyway. Like I do with my kids.

If I die before my biological father and he has not made an effort to reach out to me, please do NOT let him come to my memorial service. His presence will not be welcomed there. I want a party. I want people to laugh about the silly things I did in my life, and how I made the little "oopseys" that are uniquely me. He would be spilling out lies if he spoke of my name with any love or kindness.

I hate him way too much right now

Christmas Day 2010

Merry Christmas to me and mine.

Jason and Jennifer are in Southern California with Jennifer's family at Disneyland, Evan is in Chicago at boot camp. My mom and dad (my step father is now known as dad to me) and my sisters are with my cousin Bill and his wife in So Cal. Heather is working. I worked 6 AM to 1 PM today. It was the slowest day I've ever worked in my life.

Here it is a little after 3 and the only thing I can think about is Evan. What is he doing today in Chicago, in boot camp, on Christmas? Why won't they let the kids make a little phone call? Its going on 6 now, Chicago time, and I'm hoping still they will get to call before they have to retire. Will he have a nice dinner? Will today feel any different to Evan than the last few days have felt? Will he be homesick, wishing he had a stocking to peer into and pull out some silly putty and a peanut butter cup shaped like a snowman? I have his stocking for him to open in Chicago when we go for boot camp graduation. I got the form letter this week and it made me SO excited! Now I have a date to plan for - Feb 18th - and I can book a flight and hotel reservations and find all the exciting thing going on regarding his ceremony. It helps me to have something to focus on. Truth be told, my mind has been fucking with me too much lately. Last month I've really failed. Eating has failed. Exercise has failed. I have failed....except this time it HAS to be different! Everyone has been so proud of me that I HAVE to break this rotten new cycle I've gotten myself into. But, enough about ME!

Evan....I needed to feel closer to Evan today. It seems at every hour of the entire day I found myself drifting to being with and thinking about Evan. As if I'm riding on his shoulder in a little
spacecraft, watching what his day is like. Wen I got home from work today I went in Evan's car and threw away the rest of the trash. I found myself reading all the things he bought on the crumpled receipts as if I was going back in time for the days he bought those things. I found food wrappers and remembered the McDonald days of us going to grab some fries. There were coffee cups, water bottles, a rubics cube, broken sunglasses and odd little papers. I started Betsy - yes, that is what Evan named his car - up and put the drivers visor down. There was that little angel. The one I asked him to keep with him. The picture is here. It says: Son, please drive safely. He always does.

I brought the basic training video to work. I finally watched the clips. They showed how a new recruit begins Boot Camp and how they grow up to be a sailor. They showed a bit about graduation and how they lived and what they did on a daily basis. It was wonderful to watch because I could imagine Evan wearing one of those navy uniforms of white pants and white shirt and blue tie. Although to be honest, I can't see him WANTING to wear that particular outfit. I think the khaki shirt and blue trousers would suite him better. Sigh. I just want Evan to be happy. I want Evan to know right now that he made the right decision to join the NAVY and I don't want Evan to be sad or angry or frustrated. I'm probably way too close to my boys, although how can you be too close to your kids? Its such an oxymoron as I knew that I was raising my boys to be responsible and respectful and independent human beings who would contribute fairly and honestly in the world. I want them to go on with their lives, I just want them to call home often!

Merry Christmas to me and mine.

No mailing address yet :(

No mail came yesterday or today. So, tomorrow I'm off to bring a platter of cookies to the recruiters office and bribe them into giving me Evan's Mail Contact Information! I started Evan's car today and moved it into the driveway. I found Evan's lunch box from - oh about 4 weeks ago! There were also lots of junk food trash items, cups, coffee mugs, clothes, gloves, blankets, jackets...lots more! I can't believe how this old 1987 ferenza station wagon just started right up on the first try! Betsy is sure a dependable vehicle and I love her for that. Good ole' Betsy. How I wish your boy would call me!

Evan's Navy Box

I worked yesterday about 12 hours, thinking about Evan ALL day. After walking in the door at 7:45 PM I find a box on my kitchen table. It had Evans name on the top and on the side written in his handwriting was my name and address. It was his clothes and backpack. The entire outfit I last saw him in at the airport. What an eerie feeling I had taking each article from the box. After all the things were emptied, I find a blue, yellow and white card at the bottom. It is the tag to a pair of Navy issued Tube socks! I think Evan dropped it in there on purpose as he knew I would smile when I found it. I looked through... his coat pockets and found the ticket stub to his train ride to the airport Tuesday. Then, at the bottom of his empty backpack there lay the 11 flash cards he made so he could study the Eleven General Orders. All these three things I'm holding onto tight - as they represent
1. His strength in preparing and wanting to succeed in the Navy
2. His love for me and wanting me to know how much
3. His independence into a new world
So, I will have many other things to add to his 'box of navy stuff' but this is getting me started and I really needed some connection to Evan right now. Still can't WAIT to hear his voice again soon!

I love you Evan. ta ta for now my son.

Names have been changed to protect the "Not So Innocent"!

I'm sorry you will not accept my face book friend request. Didn't think you would anyway, but had hopes that you had realized what was done to me wasn't good and we had got past that. After all, we were once so close! You do know that what happened to me by so many was against what the Lord would have wanted, right? And that "Lucy" and "Jack" are no saints..trust me, I have inside information into that one! Just ask "Jack" about the things he shared with me one night and the many many conversations "Lucy" had with dealing with her issues with "Jack".

Please understand that we all live with decisions and that most people have secrets, "Doug". Remember how close "Chrissy" and I were? Remember me giving "Joanne" a baby shower at my home? Remember me coming over to pack up your house when you moved to "Austin"? Remember...well, perhaps you don't remember the many hours upon hours of devotion I gave to serving the Lord at the church you started, and anything you or "Chrissy" asked me to do, I was more than happy to do?
It seems that you guys and your group of friends - or shall we say your righteous click - all decided that because I was finally free of a lifetime of suffering with the hypocrisy that the church teaches on homosexuality and was able to be the full me, well...you couldn't handle it. One tiny little thing about me was out in the open and it killed all of you because you were all so scared that this one tiny little thing defined me/changed who I really am. Well, if a sexual attraction and falling in love with a woman is a defining factor that can change everything about a person and forget everything good an decent thing a person did in their life, then gosh...what does that say about someone who has a secret wish that their wife wear hooker heels and have hooker nails and walk the streets of Las Vegas in there thong? Does that mean they are a pervert? Or does it mean that they have a desire that was planted within them? sound confusing? well, not really. There is this one tiny little part of me that was "so different" that it change everyone's mind and heart toward me. I'm not any more a sinner than the rest of the world. In fact, I'm far better than most.

I am a FANTASTIC Mother who NEVER turned their back on their children, ever. I didn't allow others to 'raise' my kids because I was too busy with my work. I am still and will always be there for and with the boys, no matter what my financial life is at. I will fly, drive, buy bus tickets, train tickets...it doesn't matter where my life is at - for my children are that important to me. I was a cub scout den leader, a Sunday school teacher, a team mom, a class room parent volunteer, a noon aid on the playground, I babysat others in my home for years so I could be with my kids, the list goes on but that doesn't really matter because what matters is how content I am in my soul and in my heart with how I've lived my life.

I am a giver to the needy. I have always and will always give you anything you need if you ask me. I will buy and dish out the food to feed when you are down. I will find a coat in my closet for you to wear if you are cold. I do not need excess while others are suffering and in need.

I lift up my family and friends. I never wish for them to feel put down or set apart from any other person. I build them up and am there for them, any time they need or want me near. I am never above them, we are equal and no better than anyone. God sees us all as children and there is no varying the love of God.

I hope your child is never judged, mocked, neglected, shunned, spat on, rebuked or hated as you and your so called "God fearing, God loving, Christian brethren" have done to me.

Merry Christmas!

Same Song - Different Day

So, Jason is in the hospital and I'm going to blog about that later. But, yesterday in a moment of weakness, I sent an email to my Dad. Yeah, I know. What the HELL was I thinking.

So, OK...my email was a bit sarcastic:

In case you want to reach out to contact Jennifer, Jason is at Standford today and tomorrow for sensitive testing before getting a pacemaker. It would be nice if you at least pretended to care about him.

and yeah, I am a brat - always have been, probably always will be! However, was I that bad to get a reply email from him that said:

Wendy,

Since you are sending "smart alec e-mails" I will not even read them from now on but I will say one last thing. What makes you think I don't care about Jason? Why bring him into this. We gave him a check for $500.00 for a wedding gift and it has been cashed and we have received a thank you from them.

What is wrong with you lady? I would suggest that you get some psychological help!!!!!!!! Don't waste your time on sending me emails as they won't be read until an apology on your previous actions are received.

HA! I'm very proud of myself, actually. This time I did not cry. I did send a reture email....well, cuz you know I had to:

Father,

I owe you no apology and yet you owe me many. Your wife's 4 page typed words of irrational lies, disrespect and bitterness with hate and nonsense showed only what must be understood as nothing less than pure craziness. There is nothing to say about that mail accept you can be assured that mail will be saved and seen by everyone I think necessary to see it, at it's right time.

Then I get a letter listing many of your obligatory parental responsibilities, things you apparently feel I should still be beholdant to you for. When one says thank you, that should be enough - not to expect years of continual acts and words of apreciation. You would be ashamed if I listed for you the things I have done for my children and what I will do for my children. My children have never had to doubt my love for them and I do not keep reminding them of the dollars I have spent on them or the gifts I have given to them in love. I've never expected them to give me anything in return. I prayed for my babies before they were born and thank God every day for the blessing they are to me. I have the most amazing children and I take great pride in the fact that I have been a fantastic mother.

I was in a moment of weakness when I emailed you earlier about Jason. It won't happen again, I promise. Please do not reach out to Jason. He doesn't need your mean spirit at this time. He needs only love, kindness, compasssion and genuine concern. You do not possess these things.

As I've said before, throughout my entire life, I've never been a good enough daughter for you. I will not kiss your ass as another daughter might do for their own reasons. Nor will i pretend that her Daddy cares about her as another daughter might out of desperation for your attention.

I know the truth and that is all I need.

WenDee

You see, with my father its always about money. I spent this. We spent that. This cost this. I saved this much. blah blah blah. Lets talk money dad -

1. How much did you spend on helping me get my first car at age 16?
answer: zero

2. How much did you spend on my college education?
answer: zero

3. How much did you offer or pay for my wedding (which didn't happen because we had no money)?
answer: zero

4. Why did Mom buy me clothes from goodwill at age 13?
answer: because you were a cheap ass and didn't buy me clothes! No worries dad, my friends kept me in the latest styles with their hand offs until I got my job at age 16 and bought my own clothes.

ok, the list goes on..but i'll behave myself!

Hopeless

So I start the day doing fantastic. Fat free sugar free caramel latte and a small banana. Lunch is bowl of curry chicken and rice soup. I grab one piece of candy, I'm OK. A few sunflower seeds to snack on, doing well. Off to Water aerobics feeling so proud. I am starving when the class is over but I know I will eat something healthy at home. I warm up some meatloaf and a small baked potato. Sure, the potato needs butter but heck I've done so well all day this won't hurt. I'm still hungry and this time I need something 'sweet'. I reach for a granola bar. Not bad. Then, it happens. I smell popcorn being cooked downstairs. I try to resist, I give in and pop a bag. Yes, I finished the entire bag. Calories before class totaled: about 500. Calories after class total: about 1000. Hopeless. Fucking hopeless. I am so incredibly weak it sickens me. I hate myself right now. Sorry, but its the truth. On to sleep now only to pray I do better tomorrow, although tomorrow is a VERY busy day!

Bright Days Ahead

Somebody needs to remind me that what I type can be misunderstood and my feelings might not come out in my words the way my heart is feeling.

I have way too much pain in my soul in comparison to the love and happiness I have in my heart.

My soul needs to be drained of this pain so my life can be fully lived the way it is meant to be lived! Monday my goal is to not let the day set without having an appointment with a therapist. It may take a few to go through before I find the 'one'. In 2001 I found Angela after meeting with two others and Angela and I had 3 years of continuous work we did together to help me get through a major part of my healing so I could move on. I now find that in my life I have new issues - mostly connected to old habits and events in my life.

I am confident with the love of my partner and my family and a few close friends that I will grow and experience healing and work on living an even healthier and amazing life!

Jason Morris 9/03/1977 - 10/06/2010

Jason, I wanted to watch you reach your bike destination. I watched you, from my desk behind you at work, put this vision into a plan. I followed your searches with bike parts and accessories, map routes, clothes, camping gear and so on. Your eyes sparkled since the day I met you, but even brighter as you envisioned this adventure. As a mom, I gave you heck about being careful and checking in. You would only taunt me as only a kid does with stories that would make me reach over and smack your head. I didn’t want to say farewell at work. I told you I wouldn’t. You understood why. I didn’t know then that if I would have just not been so stubborn I could have had more of you to enjoy before you left. I cried my eyes out seeing the empty chair at the desk in front of me. I waited as long as I could to take away the decorations at your desk, until the day I did because seeing them made me too sad. I missed you turning to me to ask, “what music shall we listen to today?”. I wanted more Jason Morris aura. I still do. I always will. The candy dish is at my desk along with the picture you left for me written on it your words of comfort. I love you Jason Morris. I will never ever forget how this young man came into my life at such a time and taught me much. I didn’t know I could learn like that, but I thank the Lord He brought you to me so I could. I will push on with those 30 second run sprints, remembering you at the other end clapping your hands and saying “YES!” Inspiration, encouragement, wisdom, understanding, laughter, craziness, faithfulness and love. These are only a few words to describe you Jmo.
Yes, after all, you have reached your destination. The one that was planned. The one that we must all bow our heads to and try to hold onto.

goodbye dad

My father decided to write to me. I guess he didn't get my attention when he called me the night after hell broke loose. This is what I opened - mind you I was THRILLED when the envelope came. I thought for SURE it was a letter from him with apology and heart break, begging me to just be in his life. LOL! Yeah, I know! My old therapist calls it delusional thinking. Here, for your pleasure:

"Wendy" (no Dear, and no WenDee, even though I changed my spelling 14 years ago)

"Who was it that provided clothes and food and a home for you up to your late teens?"

um I guess it was you dad since I didn't have a JOB till I was 16! However, don't be mistaken - you paid till I got this job, then all clothes were purchased by ME! Allow me to say thank you dad for the clothes I got from goodwill cuz you left Mom and didn't give her enough money to pay bills AND clothes for me too. Thanks. PS. I was the youngest of 3 girls, I seem to remember wearing almost all hand me downs from my sisters, wait..except for panties and socks. Those came from Grandma and Grandpa.

"Who was it that provided activities such as vacations, camping, Disneyland, etc. while you were growing up?"

Yes, we had some vacations. We went camping. We went to Disneyland - usually only because of out of state relatives who would visit us so we took them. There were some good times.

"Who was it that accompanied you to court and paid your fine when you got a ticket at school for parking in a restricted parking spot?"

Well, since Mom didn't drive and I was under age, gosh dad, I guess you got stuck with the job. How much was that fine? I think $35.00. Check is in the mail dad.

"Who took you to Las Vegas with your husband on your 21st birthday and paid all of your expenses?"

That would be you dad. You loved Las Vegas. I'm sure the room was comped, however even if it wasn't you owed me this. You never paid for a wedding for me dad. I think taking me to Vegas for my birthday was real nifty. Did I say thank you enough? gosh, I sure hope so, but in case I didn't, thanks dad! it was really swell.

"Who took you and your husband on a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean and paid all of your expenses?"

Yeah, we went to Mexico, leaving from the near by port in Los Angeles. It was sure joy. All your wife Gloria could do was mock me and put me down and give me smurky looks. I tried all week to be sweet. By the 5th day I was exhausted from trying so hard. I have to admit, you and Paula and I had a couple of fun times when we played bingo and ping ping. Of course, those were the only two times we got to be with you without Gloria and you could let your hair down because when you are with her everything is negative and nasty. So, I apologize if I didn't say thank you enough. I thought for sure I had. However, leave it to me to fuck that up. I'm so sorry I didn't write a long letter with my humble thanks. I really did think saying thank you as often as I did (throughout the entire week and after we came back) was enough. I'm sure sorry I didn't tell you how special you were to pay for that inside cabin we had. Tell you what, I'm sure it was all made up when you took Karla and Dennis and gave them a balcony room this year when you all went on a cruise. I'm sure Karla and Dennis have submitted a formal Thank You on colored paper, delivered by special messenger, engraved in gold to show their appreciation of your gift.

"Who gave you $500 as a loan when you needed it and since you could not pay it back said forget paying it back?"

Yeah, that was you. And, guilty as charged! I needed a loan, you gave it to me. I was beyond surprised when you gave me that paid in full letter 2 months later. Um, I believe I said thank you but in case I didn't say it LOUD enough or often enough please consider this a HUGE THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH PAYING FOR THINGS FOR US WHEN TIMES WERE ROUGH.

"Who gave you a check every year for your birthday up until a few years ago?"

That $20 was super duper dad. It was special to get that check every September. I was always so giddy to find a $20 dollar bill in my special birthday card. I never knew what all I could spend it on! But, alas, I found something fun or necessary to use it on. I sure missed it when those checks stopped. It was hard, but we made do.

"Who gave you a rather large check at Christmas every year?"

$200.00. I did know I could count on you for that and I have ALWAYS been extremely grateful. I'll tell you a secret Dad...that money usually ALWAYS paid for last minute Christmas gifts or stocking stuffers we got for the kids. You see, our kids always came first. Anyway, I'm sorry if you felt we didn't appreciate it. Again, I told you thank you dozens of times for that gift as it truly was something that meant a lot to me.

"Who gave your two children money every birthday and Christmas without any thanks up to a couple years ago?"

yup. you gave your grandchildren two gifts a year. no thanks? you've got to be joking, right? do you give gifts just to get a thank you? OMG you are so selfish. However, the thank you's the gave on the phone Christmas mornings to you were truly real, dad. We didn't live in a generation to hand write thank you notes. we were sort of not that way. I'm sorry we failed you. but my children have grown up now, surprise surprise! and they have called, emailed and said thank you. but its not enough for you, is it dad. they will be punished the rest of their life for not being perfect. gosh, that is so sad.

"Who was it that gave his blessing for your marriage to Russ when your mother would not?"

When we got engaged we came to your house to tell you. You said we had your blessing. Mom didn't do this. I was grateful. However, coming to you to tell you this was to throw this in your face. I fell for Russ because I needed someone to take care of me. My father hadn't since I was 14, but even before you left the house you were the most distant father ever. we weren't allowed to come to you because you were always busy with your football or your tv shows. it was very lonely, i'll forever be grateful that I had my sister Karla to be there for me. Its a freaky thing young girls do, miss out on having a close relationship with their father so they run to an older man to substitute.

"But then who was it that yelled at me in a public place in front of many people to cause me embarrassment because I would not and could not meet your command to do what you insisted on?"

I yelled. I was PISSED OFF! you messed me up that morning, big time. But, I've already blogged about that. Its old news. I'm tired of it already. so to me this line is like blah blah blah. Get over it.

"I waited about six weeks for an apology but never received one. Instead, you called and instead of an apology all I got was more yelling and swearing at me by calling me a F....G..D..."

dad, I waited for you to come and say goodbye to me at Paula's wedding. Instead, you turned your back and walked the other direction. I stood in that parking lot crying my eyes out. I felt a change in the wind that day. I felt the rejection that was all too familiar. I knew it was done, over. I knew you made a choice one last time. you choose you over me.

"For some reason you keep saying that Jason could die at any time but did you ever think that I, your father, is 84 years old now and the chances could be that my life could end sooner than Jason. Besides, I don't know why you bring Jason into this."

I brought Jason up that night on the phone because for God's sake dad, when are you going to get it through your fat norwegian head that JASON'S WEDDING WAS DIFFERENT! THERE WAS A REASON FOR HIGH EMOTIONS AND STRESS! But, alas. You won't understand. You've never chosen to try to understand about Jason. I mean, when Jason had his 3rd open heart surgery you sent him cookies. The kid had almost died - again - and you sent cookies. I think maybe something he could have used in his 7 week recovery at home would have been nice. But cookies? oh, in case he didn't thank you since he was 12 1/2 and recovering from OPEN FUCKING HEART SURGERY, I'll say thank you on his behalf. Those cookies were, well...they tasted like shit and we threw them away. but thanks for the thought that it took to order them to be delivered. You fail to see the point of me bringing Jason up in that conversation was because I was trying to remind YOU of why I was upset that morning when YOU would not take into consideration the circumstance. Sigh. You never have before over any other issue so why did I bother. Look where it got me. Lesson learned. You won't EVER hear a word from me about my children, EVER. Oh and I know you have forgotten the last 4 years because you stopped sending one of your beautiful birthday cards to him, I have another son. His name is Evan. He just turned 21. He doesn't know you because you haven't done anything to bring him into your life. Apparently the memory that you have another grandson has left your feeble brain. Thats ok dad. He doesn't remember you either. Save your money dad. do not send any more of your gifts at Christmas. I will buy him a sweater from Sears on your behalf...or better yet, I'll get him something that he will like AND in his correct size.

"Just thought I would remind you of a few things."

gosh Dad, you really haven't reminded me of anything. The only point to what you have mentioned in this letter is how very distant you are from me and my life. If this is all you can come up with in how you've been the "best dad ever" then wow. I feel so sorry for you. If I had to list all the things that Russ has done for his kids, well...I would be typing for days upon days to list them all.

So in closing, goodbye dad.

I do not wish you pain or sickness or ill will. What I wish is for you to be happy and content and to feel all the warm fuzzy good feelings when you lay your head down on your pillow at night before you fall asleep. I hope you know peace. I hope you are secure in the love you have from God above. I hope your wife brings you complete satisfaction and total bliss. I hope you will smile at all the memories you've made over your lifetime with each of your four children and your living 5 grandchildren, as I know you did not really know your grandson Alex who died way too young at age 19 and you had already walked away from his mother while he was growing up.

goodbye dad.

Bullies - They are Effed up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B-hVWQnjjM

I was bullied in elementary school and Jr. high. The "hip" girls sat behind me in class and used to get thrills out of pulling my hair 1 strand at time until enough of a commotion was made that the teacher would get mad at me. Then, they'd yell things at me while I walked home. One time the girls threw rocks at me while I ran all the way home. One hit me dead center in my forehead once. After that, my mom got me a bike so I could get away faster and probably so I'd lose weight. It wasn't until my brother died when I was 12 1/2 that they stopped teasing me. I guess they felt guilty. I wonder how far it would have gone with them trying to break me down and me wanting to kill myself? After that I found other cool girls to hang out with. Oh, well yeah they did do drugs, but at least doing drugs got me skinnier, right?! Well, I just wish kids would know how their words and actions can run so deep and become so scaring. Sad.

I am eating. I am consumed with the thought of eating. I keep thinking what can I eat? And then I eat. I play games with my food like, oh-its only so many calories, I can eat less later. Then later comes. And I eat more. I am on a destructive path. I need help. I am a mess both mentally and physically now. I am a mess emotionally and spiritually. I am a mess just existing. I must find some relief that will not endanger myself or others.

I will get back to my crocheting.

I will find a therapist.

I will drink only tea and not coffee.

I will clean the house.

I will take the dogs for a walk.

I will ride my bike.

I will ... I will ... I will go back to bed for a while and pick this up .. later.

Forgettable

A Father wishes to express his feelings to his daughter, so he says these words:

Happy Birthday to a forgettable daughter.

Yeah, a real Hallmark moment isn't it. I don't know why these words continue to haunt me even these many days later. But, it does.

We are on my birthday adventure and I'm truly enjoying the freedom of it, the sights we are seeing, the love of my life at my side wanting only to please me and make sure I'm happy and content. And yet last night my dreams consisted of nightmares about my Father. I ask Heather this morning why do I keep doing this? Its not like I'm mourning the loss of something I once had. She said to me, "You are mourning the loss of something special you never had". True words. The daddy's little girl wish that was never to be.

Upward and onward. I will be finding a therapist this week. I must get past this and I need some further direction on how to do this. It's not like I can go to a convent and search for inner peace or climb the highest mountain to find solitude and cry out until I am no longer hurting. No, I have to work, keep being a mom, wash dishes, cook meal, sew buttons on shirts, pick up dog messes and live my life in the city with all that goes with it. God is with me. God desires for me to be whole. God will guide me to where I need to go.

Here is a toast to upcoming nights with dreams of only puppy dog kisses, baby giggles, white fluffy clouds....ok, you are right. Those aren't the kind of dreams I crave :) However, I am hoping that the sad dreams will end for me. I have way too much happiness in my awake life to let this take over my thoughts.

What to do?

So, after getting this 4 page piece of crap letter, I called to speak to my Dad. I said, "Dad, did you know Gloria sent a 4 page letter to me?" he says, "Yes I do". I say, "Its all lies!" He says, "no it is not and I stand behind what she says 100%". WoW. Really Dad? So, what I did - is what I always do - was to get mad! My voice got higher and loud and I was mad and wanted to 'discuss' it further. Dad simply didn't want to so he hung up. Ok ok ok in all fairness, I was PISSED OFF but still, he could have let me rant? They got their say, couldn't I have my say? Did he have to hang up on me? Did he have to dismiss me so easily? So, I call back. He hangs up. I think this must be a mistake. I call back. He hangs up. This happens 4 more times before I call his cell phone and leave an ugly message. I wish I could take that back. I hate the fact that my ugliness was going to be on record, but it is what it is.
Kicker is, jump to the next night. We are out with friends celebrating a new job for a friend and enjoying drinking, dancing and laughing. I got a phone call. Cell phone says: Dad. Really? WTF? No, I didn't answer it, I'm in a club for gawds sake! He leaves a voice mail: "Hi WenDee. This is Dad. I guess you are out. If you want, call me tomorrow." The voice sounded like my old father. The one where everything is fine. It almost resembled a message of those left in the 'old days'. The days where I was still accepted - well, the days where I thought I was accepted that is. According to the letter I'm a piece of shit, spoiled rotten brat, and am a selfish bitch who was a good for nothing daughter.
I'm going to write a note titled:
100 things I've done for my Dad to prove I'm not a piece of shit daughter. Stay tuned.