Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Waiting
I keep waiting. Waiting for a reply. I wrote to my Father - my heartfelt email to my Dad - on August 24th. Maybe he's not back from his trip from California yet. Maybe he had too many emails to go through and mine got lost in the shuffle. Maybe my step mother saw it first and deleted it. Maybe he read it and is even angrier at me than he was before. Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe I have lost my Dad for good.
Maybe
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Mind Games
My mind is a mess. It's like a bunch of short clips that are played out in random order. Its a mind shuffle and very confusing. I seem to have one clip always playing on one deck that is full of love for my life, my partner, my children and all family and friends. In that place things are exactly where they should be and life is good.
On the other side these random thoughts that bring sadness, distress, heart ache, fear, loneliness, failure and rejection is playing full blast. I can't seem to turn that side off at times and right now its so loud I almost want to just run away screaming. I know this can't be right. I'm intelligent enough to have the mindset that something is wrong with this thinking and I must get some help. However, I am paralyzed into moving towards the direction of seeking help to ride myself of these all too familiar thoughts.
My wish for now is to just get through the day without anyone knowing I am living with this torture. Funny I post this on my blog. But I'm sure nobody is even reading these typed words so I feel a sense of safety and a sense of relief .
On the other side these random thoughts that bring sadness, distress, heart ache, fear, loneliness, failure and rejection is playing full blast. I can't seem to turn that side off at times and right now its so loud I almost want to just run away screaming. I know this can't be right. I'm intelligent enough to have the mindset that something is wrong with this thinking and I must get some help. However, I am paralyzed into moving towards the direction of seeking help to ride myself of these all too familiar thoughts.
My wish for now is to just get through the day without anyone knowing I am living with this torture. Funny I post this on my blog. But I'm sure nobody is even reading these typed words so I feel a sense of safety and a sense of relief .
Monday, August 23, 2010
I sent the email - as Martha says, its a good thing.
So today I decided to write my Dad an email. It felt good. I want the pain of his absence in my life to just go away.
We all went camping this past weekend. It went good. It was wonderful to see the kids all interact and enjoy themselves as they did. Tent camping has come along way with me since we found coleman cots. OMG. I could be a spokesman for this product! These cots are very sturdy and extremely comfortable. They are raised up about 2 feet and there's a mattress that makes these beds extremely comfortable. With these beds, its no problem to camp in the tents. For those who know me I'm sure this is a huge surprise!
I did eat too much, too much of the wrong thing :( The toasted marshmallows with chocolate was way too good and the crackers, chips and nuts were way too plentiful! I wasn't careful enough and today the scale screamed this loud and clear. Made me really think about how easy it would be to slip out of control. But today I took charge and ate well. We even went to the gym and worked out a bit before going to a water aerobics class. I'm happy to be back in the swing of making the right choices.
Heather reached out today and posted something on my facebook. She asked everyone to post something positive about me! OMG I had a ton of results. I love this woman so much. She is totally amazing in every way.
Tomorrow I am taking my college admissions test to find out where I stand. I'm sure math 60 is in my future! LOL 3:00 is my Mamo. Fun day ahead. Off to slumber now. G'night world.
We all went camping this past weekend. It went good. It was wonderful to see the kids all interact and enjoy themselves as they did. Tent camping has come along way with me since we found coleman cots. OMG. I could be a spokesman for this product! These cots are very sturdy and extremely comfortable. They are raised up about 2 feet and there's a mattress that makes these beds extremely comfortable. With these beds, its no problem to camp in the tents. For those who know me I'm sure this is a huge surprise!
I did eat too much, too much of the wrong thing :( The toasted marshmallows with chocolate was way too good and the crackers, chips and nuts were way too plentiful! I wasn't careful enough and today the scale screamed this loud and clear. Made me really think about how easy it would be to slip out of control. But today I took charge and ate well. We even went to the gym and worked out a bit before going to a water aerobics class. I'm happy to be back in the swing of making the right choices.
Heather reached out today and posted something on my facebook. She asked everyone to post something positive about me! OMG I had a ton of results. I love this woman so much. She is totally amazing in every way.
Tomorrow I am taking my college admissions test to find out where I stand. I'm sure math 60 is in my future! LOL 3:00 is my Mamo. Fun day ahead. Off to slumber now. G'night world.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
There are just things in Life that will Keep on Hurting You
Dad decided to be a total ass the morning after my sons wedding and hasn't called or emailed to apologize since. I sent a fathers day card and got no confirmation. No reaching out. Its been 3 1/2 months. He and my step mother flew to California and have been going all over with my sister Paula and staying at her and Henry's acting like everything is just so wonderful. I'm happy for you Karla, you deserve to have Dad's attention after all those years he didn't reach out to you. I should assume that I'm old enough now to not need a father in my life. However, reality is....I'll die believing that my father just never cared enough to give a damn to be the sort of father every daughter deserved. I'm so sorry Karla that you missed the years that Dad turned his back on you. Now I suppose its my turn.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Yup. It was Pride alright!
We went to Portland and enjoyed Pride weekend. I wished the weekend had been longer, but isn't that always the way it goes? I surprised Heather and upgraded our room at the Hilton to the Executive Tower.
Basically, the perks we got was a larger room, with a view of the city and bottled water and robes to use during our stay. I have to be honest, the robes were nice to have! The water was ok, but again nice to have had the bottled water to use for the awesome single coffee maker that we had. There was a fantastic work out room and pool, but alas we didn't have time to use either. Next time. :)
We got there in time to drop off the luggage then head down to the waterfront. The weather was fricken PERFECT! We got into the gate and stopped at all the booths-collecting free shit and ending that day at 6:00 both participating in a woman's sexual study. Not as fun as it sounds, however! haha! We answered many pages of questions then ended with a genetic testing of saliva. They send that sample in for further research based on your answers they line up types of women .... I really have no clue what or how they were doing the study, but it was interesting and both Heather and I did get $10 borders gift cards for this 30 minutes of our day :) After wards Heather and I went back to the Hilton and spent some time there before heading back to the water front meeting up with friends. It was so great seeing Little T and her new girlfriend! Kristen and Allison came along around 10 and we ended up back on Broadway having a drink outside and waiting for the naked bike riders. No, we didn't see them because they were on another route, and quite honestly I'm glad to have passed on that event! On our way back to our room around midnight, stopped to take this picture in the square:
Next time, I will finish our exciting story of pride - 2010 :)
Basically, the perks we got was a larger room, with a view of the city and bottled water and robes to use during our stay. I have to be honest, the robes were nice to have! The water was ok, but again nice to have had the bottled water to use for the awesome single coffee maker that we had. There was a fantastic work out room and pool, but alas we didn't have time to use either. Next time. :)
We got there in time to drop off the luggage then head down to the waterfront. The weather was fricken PERFECT! We got into the gate and stopped at all the booths-collecting free shit and ending that day at 6:00 both participating in a woman's sexual study. Not as fun as it sounds, however! haha! We answered many pages of questions then ended with a genetic testing of saliva. They send that sample in for further research based on your answers they line up types of women .... I really have no clue what or how they were doing the study, but it was interesting and both Heather and I did get $10 borders gift cards for this 30 minutes of our day :) After wards Heather and I went back to the Hilton and spent some time there before heading back to the water front meeting up with friends. It was so great seeing Little T and her new girlfriend! Kristen and Allison came along around 10 and we ended up back on Broadway having a drink outside and waiting for the naked bike riders. No, we didn't see them because they were on another route, and quite honestly I'm glad to have passed on that event! On our way back to our room around midnight, stopped to take this picture in the square:
Next time, I will finish our exciting story of pride - 2010 :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Full of Pride
This week is Portland Pride Week. Meaning, the one week out of the year we can walk amongst all peoples and be who we are, who we wish we could be at other times other than "Pride". I want to walk with my partners hand in mine and not be concerned with the fact that I might be bothering someone. I want to kiss her on the mouth and give her a little hug when I feel the desire - just as all hetero couples can do at any time without anyone batting an eye. I have felt this pure joy and freedom at times in my life, and I call it heaven on earth. To be allowed to walk in this world has shown me a glimpse of times I hope to come. Now, don't think I'm being naive about Pride parades and the showman ship that goes on at the festival. Trust me, we are not all that shiney and want to stand out! However, I do enjoy being able to walk in my city and just be us...two woman, in love, living in peace, and not being any center of attention because the extremes are getting all the stares :)Happy Pride to you my friends!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Trying to Shut My Mouth
I have so much going on in my head at all times of the day that I find myself almost paralyzed - stuck in thought. For someone like me who likes to talk and type and text...it can be dangerous! Sometimes I just open my mouth and the first thought I have comes out. Not good. I guess I really need to keep that under wraps more, and pay attention to the choice of words I use. You see, I am just being honest...but my honesty doesn't always align with those who are interested in 'my' honesty and would rather I keep it to myself! This happens at work. I know what I mean in my heart but the head and mouth mess up once in a while. So, note to self: Button up the lip and speak only about work matters and people won't have a reason to question you and your intentions.
That being said, I REALLY like to talk and write my stories! I once had a blog, a journal, that I wrote my feelings in. All through my life I've had diary type books and then I would type up my feelings and hide them all to myself. Then, when I ventured into the internet world I wrote stories to my special friends. I wrote stories and posted them also for all that I chose to read and see. I've always received high praises for my stories, however remember that those stories were still "under wraps". Now, with this blog and with facebook, I am beginning to find my voice again.
In my early teens I was afraid of so much. I was sad and lonely and very confused. I felt abandoned and off balance. In my 20's and early 30's I was a Banker, a Mother, a dedicated church goer and woman's ministry events leader, sports team mom, cub scout den leader, Avon Rep, PTA member, class room mom, and other various upstanding leadership positions. I was busy, oh how I was busy! We got a brand new house that I prided was clean as a whistle, I was the best wife ever, the best neighbor, friend and social butterfly - with lots of real but lots of FAKE people. I knew a lot of these people were fake. But, just like the fake boys from my teens who wanted in my pants, they liked me and that was all that mattered - so I thought. And I was fake too. I had my life aside from my family and that was becoming a heavy burden on me that I knew I had to release onto the world, but didn't really know how and was very scared to do so. I realized that my fakeness was painful and began to see my life needed to change up. I was scared though, and didn't know how to do this.
In my mid 30's things changed. It took MANY years for me to figure it out but by the time I was 38, I knew. I just needed to figure out how I was going to tell the world about the real WenDee!
I first changed the spelling of my name. Took on some kind of independence with changing it from Wendy to WenDee (The Dee part is after my grandma Dorothy Dee that I would have Loved to have known better. She had to hide her real self too much of her life). Making this little change in the spelling of my nick name was no big deal, so I thought! However most all of my family and some friends could not handle it. They made fun of the way I capitalized the D and how the name was spelled. I didn't care - wow, I DIDN'T CARE! A new concept, I was beginning to make changes that I knew were good for me and I was staying strong with doing so! Ok, so this was a little thing but looking back on it now this was huge.
I'm not saying my life just fell into place then, but that was the beginning and where I took charge of what I needed to do in my life. I began a 3 year run with a fabulous counselor, I went back to school, and I got a divorce. Slow steps, but they were still forward steps!
And so, my stories - some just typed words that describes me and my life - will go on. Here. In the public eye. If you do not want to read it because you are not interested, please feel free to stay away. This is for my curious ones. The ones that will appreciate what I have to say and what I've gone through and still go through in my life.
Till next time.
That being said, I REALLY like to talk and write my stories! I once had a blog, a journal, that I wrote my feelings in. All through my life I've had diary type books and then I would type up my feelings and hide them all to myself. Then, when I ventured into the internet world I wrote stories to my special friends. I wrote stories and posted them also for all that I chose to read and see. I've always received high praises for my stories, however remember that those stories were still "under wraps". Now, with this blog and with facebook, I am beginning to find my voice again.
In my early teens I was afraid of so much. I was sad and lonely and very confused. I felt abandoned and off balance. In my 20's and early 30's I was a Banker, a Mother, a dedicated church goer and woman's ministry events leader, sports team mom, cub scout den leader, Avon Rep, PTA member, class room mom, and other various upstanding leadership positions. I was busy, oh how I was busy! We got a brand new house that I prided was clean as a whistle, I was the best wife ever, the best neighbor, friend and social butterfly - with lots of real but lots of FAKE people. I knew a lot of these people were fake. But, just like the fake boys from my teens who wanted in my pants, they liked me and that was all that mattered - so I thought. And I was fake too. I had my life aside from my family and that was becoming a heavy burden on me that I knew I had to release onto the world, but didn't really know how and was very scared to do so. I realized that my fakeness was painful and began to see my life needed to change up. I was scared though, and didn't know how to do this.
In my mid 30's things changed. It took MANY years for me to figure it out but by the time I was 38, I knew. I just needed to figure out how I was going to tell the world about the real WenDee!
I first changed the spelling of my name. Took on some kind of independence with changing it from Wendy to WenDee (The Dee part is after my grandma Dorothy Dee that I would have Loved to have known better. She had to hide her real self too much of her life). Making this little change in the spelling of my nick name was no big deal, so I thought! However most all of my family and some friends could not handle it. They made fun of the way I capitalized the D and how the name was spelled. I didn't care - wow, I DIDN'T CARE! A new concept, I was beginning to make changes that I knew were good for me and I was staying strong with doing so! Ok, so this was a little thing but looking back on it now this was huge.
I'm not saying my life just fell into place then, but that was the beginning and where I took charge of what I needed to do in my life. I began a 3 year run with a fabulous counselor, I went back to school, and I got a divorce. Slow steps, but they were still forward steps!
And so, my stories - some just typed words that describes me and my life - will go on. Here. In the public eye. If you do not want to read it because you are not interested, please feel free to stay away. This is for my curious ones. The ones that will appreciate what I have to say and what I've gone through and still go through in my life.
Till next time.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Dancing With My Son
I realize this day was to be my son's and his future Wife's most monumental day of all their lives - next to having a child that is. However, this May day, was My Special Day! My son was born in 1985 after years of fertility attempts, set backs, disappointments and a long 10 months of being pregnant. I believed I was the happiest expectant women in all the earth! I only got a tad nauseous in the beginning but for the most part saying I was Glowing was not merely descriptive enough to see how happy I was to finally have my dream come true and become a MoM.
The weekend before he was born I came down with the flu. Oh, I was ill beyond ill. And sleepy too. So when I showed signs that middle of the night I didn't rush to wake up my babies daddy or call the Dr. I just laid down and tried to sleep. However, by 6:00 I woke up Russ and he rushed around taking charge of the situation. At the hospital all was well. I was put on all monitors and inspected for "progress". The day went on. And on. And ON! Until finally, something changed my Dr's mind and an emergency C-Section was planned. Things were rushing here and there and in the delivery room we went. I heard Jason's first cry. My sweet little baby boys cry. Then, nothing. Silence, all but the operating team and doctors. I looked at the clock and it was 2:24 PM, Sunday. Next thing I knew, I was looking at the clock and it was 3:30. They had put me OUT and that is when they woke me UP. You see, Jason was born 'blue'. Blue babies are babies who do not have enough oxygen to breathe correctly, hence they lose their color. The next few hours were spent in wonder what was going on with our baby. Come to find out, he was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries, TGA, as well as a ventricular Septal defect (hole in the heart). Long story short, he was only given a 20% chance of survival that night which followed by months of hospital stays due to heart failures, infections and followed by major heart surgeries. Jason had a wonderful child hood filled with cub scouts, baseball, church trips, neighborhood basketball, swimming all summer and the like. He found himself at age 12 undergoing yet another open heart surgery. So, life for Jason was fun but also extremely serious. In the earlier years I would wonder what Jason had in store in his life. I always knew God had his hand on this young man! However, I didn't really look into his future too much - until he met Jennifer. This young lady captured Jason's heart and later my heart as well. I remember when Jason was 21 and he had yet another annual cardiac check up. I could not go to this appointment with him. However, I had ALWAYS gone to these Dr. visits with him! But, I realized that my duty for doing this was done. Jason was beyond an adult now and he had Jennifer. I distinctly remember they left and I told Jennifer, "Ask the Dr. this question and take notes! Tell the Dr. about this thing and that thing and see what he thinks about another idea.." You guessed it. I was handing over the torch. I was giving up my reign of power and relying on this new women in my sons life to take it on herself. I can tell you I was nervous. I was worried. I was sad that this part of my life was over! And yet, I was thrilled. My son is well.
My son who came into this world blue, married his love of his life - Wedding colors? Well, of course, a shade of blue (pool)
This is my son and I dancing....forever etched in my mind and in my soul.
I love you Jason and Jennifer!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Grumpy
Why do I seem to want to challange so many people when they say things? Do I want to be correct? Do I want to always be right? Am I controlling? This has been something I've been concerned with for so long!
When I began my intense therapy in 2001, my therapist caught that. I would say that I just wanted to know, more specific..I needed to know. Angela said, why? Why do you need to know? Hmmm... my answer 'because' was not a good enough answer for her so I've had to think about that question for all these years that have followed.
I now try to let things go. I really do try! However I fail a lot. I think I inherited this from my mom and my sisters, but that isn't a good enough reason for me to keep doing it. I am going to turn 50 this year. I really need to let go of these annoying habits. 2010 the year of letting go! ha, we'll see :)
When I began my intense therapy in 2001, my therapist caught that. I would say that I just wanted to know, more specific..I needed to know. Angela said, why? Why do you need to know? Hmmm... my answer 'because' was not a good enough answer for her so I've had to think about that question for all these years that have followed.
I now try to let things go. I really do try! However I fail a lot. I think I inherited this from my mom and my sisters, but that isn't a good enough reason for me to keep doing it. I am going to turn 50 this year. I really need to let go of these annoying habits. 2010 the year of letting go! ha, we'll see :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Who of you wants to be Pampered?
So, I started a new business. I am officially a Pampered Chef Independent Consultant. Yeah yeah yeah, I know what you are thinking. What the heck is WenDee up to now?! This is my 4th business and haven't I learned already how tough that is?! Well, first of all I started this business for a tax break. I am sick and tired of paying the government each and every year because I get paid some money from my children's father. They call this support. I call it a pain in the ass! Oh, one day I might write a blog about my children's father in regard to this "spousal support" thing, but for now all I can say is the less he gives me the less I pay on taxes and that sucks cuz now he is paying me 400 less than the court order. I've agreed to this so that I don't pay so much in taxes. See my dilemma? Anyway, after this business takes off, I will have a write off. Actually, I already have my write off but the more I put into it, the more I get to claim :)
So...speaking of pampering yourself...I have only begun but I think I might just make this into more than just a tax advantage. Perhaps I can make a few extra bucks??! I started my first catalog party today and we'll see how that goes. I am having an "open house" to invite everybody I KNOW to my house and introducing my new company. Sigh. What have I gotten myself into?!
So...speaking of pampering yourself...I have only begun but I think I might just make this into more than just a tax advantage. Perhaps I can make a few extra bucks??! I started my first catalog party today and we'll see how that goes. I am having an "open house" to invite everybody I KNOW to my house and introducing my new company. Sigh. What have I gotten myself into?!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Parents Love - or Not?
I love my children. I love all children in general. Sometimes it might not seem like it because I'm pretty tough on kids. However, I would never ever in a million years hurt a child's spirit or want them broken down. In fact, I will hunt down the person who did hurt them and get in their face with a, "what the hell are you thinking"? attitude. I have known friends in my life who have acted like they are going to turn their back on their kid just because they "won't listen" or "act up" or "lied to them". Hello! These are normal behaviors of adolescents and teenagers! They are just trying to become their own person. They turn into aliens with all the extra hormones in their bodies while going through puberty and they are confused when confronted by peer pressure and new schools and the entire dating scene. Don't give up on your child. Don't EVER give up. They will always need their mom or their dad. Be a voice. Even if its a one way phone call time after time after time. Keep knocking on their door. Keep texting their phones. Keep posting on their Social Networks. One day they will answer, I promise. They have to know that no matter what they can count on you to still have their back or still love them even when they have made the wrong decision. If you believe in God and that he is the ultimate Father, then you might believe that he also is continually forgiving you and taking you under his wing. He never turns his back and walks away. He waits. Quietly sometimes. But he waits until you say...hey....God? you there? I myself imagine that he breaks into this smile and says, hey! there you are, good to see you...come give me a hug! I am that parent. I will NEVER give up on my child. I will NEVER walk away. I will ALWAYS be the one person they can count on in their life, even if everyone else turns a deaf ear. No, I will not allow myself to be used or abused by them, that is not returned love or respect, but I will guide them into knowledge that I can still love and care through all circumstances.
I had a Father once. He loved me, I think. He pushed the shopping cart while I hung onto the back. He went swimming with me and threw me into the deep waters, only to be waiting for me to pop up and swim over to him. He took me to the beach with my family and made sure he bought me that special soda I liked. He took us camping and made great campfires and we sang songs. He wore silly masks at Halloween and took us trick or treating in those silly masks. The memories seem to fade though, because at age 12 my brother died and our family went into a spin. Dad was still around, I think, until my sister Paula got married 1 1/2 yrs. later and then Dad left. He didn't come back. Not to sleep anyway. I remember he was there standing in the kitchen once or twice, arguing with my mother. So much confusion at that time. Jump forward 8 years. I am 21. He takes me to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. I am sitting with literally a stranger that resembles the memory of a man I call dad. I ask, why didn't you come around? Why didn't we go do things, or stay at your place on the weekends? Why did you only come around when I was in trouble for getting a traffic ticket or getting in an accident, or even when the school called you in because they "didn't know what to do with me". What happened? Well, the answer was this: Your mother told me you girls didn't want anything to do with me. Really? Really Dad? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean....the mom that was crazy because her son died in a fire?...the mom that you told me you couldn't trust?....the mom that you left because you couldn't stand being around any longer? You chose to just say, "OK" and not come around? Where the hell were you?!! Why didn't you ask US if that is what we wanted? Or, I have an idea, why didn't you come around ANY WAY! You let a 14 and a 15 year old walk out of your life. I didn't lose just a brother the day he died. I lost my mom for 10 years. I lost a sister to getting married. I lost my Grandma and Grandpa because they were old and sick. And, I lost you. I never got you back. Yeah, you've come and gone since then.....21......I looked up to you in Las Vegas and said to myself, could this really be happening? Do I have my fathers love again? Does he want me in his life? Well, you moved away 2 years later to Minnesota. Another distance Dad. Not just by your choice, but because of miles. I was growing into my own then. WoW. These memories hurt. But what hurts the most is looking back at the last 29 years of my life and realize that you still aren't fucking willing to just love me. No matter what. You are the most stubborn man in the world. Dad. I'm sorry you lost so much. But Dad. I'm more sorry that I lost.
Friday, May 14, 2010
I wrote this little piece a long long long time ago -circa 2004 - and feel like postin it here today.
N Joy
I have discovered that this journey of life is an ever changing adventure. You go through your life learning and trusting and sharing and exploring, hoping to find people who will love and accept you. You become bold and take the leap and give your heart away. Just as you think your heart is safe, you find its been stretched and damaged and torn. Its hard to continue to trust...to keep giving...to keep looking for people in your life who will just like you and not judge you and not spit words at you that hurt and crush your soul. You must learn to love yourself. You must like to be with your own company. You must not expect much from others and hope that someone will fill a void. My children have completed me and yet I do not wish for them to fill that void. They will live their lives as they choose. I will live mine as I choose...until the day God wishes to take me home. I've made so many mistakes and wished I had taken a step back and rethought some of the things I've said and done. However...this human race is just that, human, filled with reactions that are acted upon and decisions quickly made. Being human means you have emotions and there are physical reasons why we sometimes do what we do when others look at us and wonder why we did this or that. I cannot say I'm sorry enough. I cannot help you get past anything. I can only love you. I can only accept you. I can only forgive and wish we could pick up and carry on. I am Me. Please look at Me and see Me. Please do not look at my body and grade me. I have failed in the school of outward appearances. I've put myself in detention at this school my entire life but wish to be free and graduate into a sense of acceptance. You may choose to accept me or reject me. If you reject me, then go away and forget my name. Do not talk of me in anger or hatred. Do not spit on the memory of me. Just go on and go away. But if you accept me, then love me as I love you. Unconditionally. I know you are not perfect. I'm thankful that you are not! Perfection is a fantasy that doesn't exist on earth. I smile at your human needs and the tenderness of you. I want you happy. I want to help you. I want to just be someone positive in your life. Please take my hand and be with me on this journey.
The road is not a guaranteed distance. It is only guaranteed to change..to twist, to turn, to be steep, to be slick. But, it will get you forward. Forward until the end comes.
Till then, journey on
I have discovered that this journey of life is an ever changing adventure. You go through your life learning and trusting and sharing and exploring, hoping to find people who will love and accept you. You become bold and take the leap and give your heart away. Just as you think your heart is safe, you find its been stretched and damaged and torn. Its hard to continue to trust...to keep giving...to keep looking for people in your life who will just like you and not judge you and not spit words at you that hurt and crush your soul. You must learn to love yourself. You must like to be with your own company. You must not expect much from others and hope that someone will fill a void. My children have completed me and yet I do not wish for them to fill that void. They will live their lives as they choose. I will live mine as I choose...until the day God wishes to take me home. I've made so many mistakes and wished I had taken a step back and rethought some of the things I've said and done. However...this human race is just that, human, filled with reactions that are acted upon and decisions quickly made. Being human means you have emotions and there are physical reasons why we sometimes do what we do when others look at us and wonder why we did this or that. I cannot say I'm sorry enough. I cannot help you get past anything. I can only love you. I can only accept you. I can only forgive and wish we could pick up and carry on. I am Me. Please look at Me and see Me. Please do not look at my body and grade me. I have failed in the school of outward appearances. I've put myself in detention at this school my entire life but wish to be free and graduate into a sense of acceptance. You may choose to accept me or reject me. If you reject me, then go away and forget my name. Do not talk of me in anger or hatred. Do not spit on the memory of me. Just go on and go away. But if you accept me, then love me as I love you. Unconditionally. I know you are not perfect. I'm thankful that you are not! Perfection is a fantasy that doesn't exist on earth. I smile at your human needs and the tenderness of you. I want you happy. I want to help you. I want to just be someone positive in your life. Please take my hand and be with me on this journey.
The road is not a guaranteed distance. It is only guaranteed to change..to twist, to turn, to be steep, to be slick. But, it will get you forward. Forward until the end comes.
Till then, journey on
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Sun is shining!
Bike ride May 2010Normally, this fact would make me not smile. However, since losing 80 pounds I tend to like the dryer weather! No, I'll never like it hot outside but not being freezing or seeing my breath in the air makes me think of taking walks and riding my bike. I know, weird huh?! I am even excited about an upcoming camping trip. You see, being a large woman makes you not want to be outside. Being outside is where people see you. People can view your size and if they can view you they, of course, are judging you! This is my thought. Every single minute of every single time I am outside or around people. I fear this. I feel this. I manifest this until it takes over. I hope that I am getting better now, however still seeing my reflection in the mirror brings this back to mind. When I see myself I see all my faults. I do not see anything good, but only the fat and the old and the ugly. I wonder if that will ever change? I fear that it won't and I fear - most of all - that I will fail at this losing weight thing. You can say whatever you want to me but it really does not matter at all because it is what I think in my distorted (as people tell me it is) thought process of my mind. I do realize I need to find some sort of therapy or counseling. But my time is limited and quite frankly I'm just too selfish of my 'free time' to even better myself with it. I might be forced to seek help if things get out of control more so than it is now. Another thought has now passed and ended.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Morning After
Today is a new Day. Why does it feel like its just a continuation of yesterday in my head? It was supposed to be all light and fluffy and clear this morning - however it is not. Today I realize that i hurt a lot of people yesterday and I don't know what to do about it. I woke up thinking that the alien me took over and now I have to fix the path of destruction I made. But then there is the other side of me that said...wait. I meant some of what I said! When I said I can't take it anymore, I meant I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER at that moment in time. My head was in a whirlpool. My hormones were out of control. My emotions were higher than normal. My heart was breaking. My indecision of what to do was too much to even concentrate on even the smallest of details or the most innocent of a comment made. I had to run away. But, I needed to run away from me and that was impossible! Instead I retreated, I cleaned my room, I took 3 xanex over 3 hours. Sigh. All I know right now this minute is that I love my partner beyond words. I love my children more than life. I feel bad for yelling at Chris and Jon. I regret the food choices I made yesterday. I am still tired. I am at work and have much to do. AND, I'm still dealing with the finance issues, my menopause issues, and all other issues that existed yesterday but I can't let that get to me like it did. I MUST control myself. Please God, help me today.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
What Happened?
Before Picture 288 pounds
There are times in my weight loss/recovery to better health that I just want to take a day off. I want to grab a bag of my favorite potato chips and just eat them one at a time until the bag is empty. I then want to take a new bag of Oreo's and dunk them in a large glass of milk and eat them until they are all gone. Then I think. Why? Why do I want to make myself look like I did again which everyone has commented on since how bad it was 'back then'? Well, I think because over eating those things that I enjoy most are my comfort places. They are the one true area that I could go to and be peacefully satisfied. I know this is weird to most people. You would think how can food make you find peace? I think its because there is nothing else that I can do which I am more used to do then eating wrong. I grew up eating crap. I ate lettuce leaves with sprinkled sugar and my mom called that salad. I ate graham crackers with frosting made of powder sugar and milk with food coloring and my mom called it after school snacks. I ate soda crackers (saltines) with butter and jam and mom called it my sandwich. I ate warm pudding with cream poured on top and sprinkled again with sugar and mom called it a simple dessert. Mom didn't mean to do this. But Mom did and it created a lifestyle of unhealthy eating choices.
There are times in my weight loss/recovery to better health that I just want to take a day off. I want to grab a bag of my favorite potato chips and just eat them one at a time until the bag is empty. I then want to take a new bag of Oreo's and dunk them in a large glass of milk and eat them until they are all gone. Then I think. Why? Why do I want to make myself look like I did again which everyone has commented on since how bad it was 'back then'? Well, I think because over eating those things that I enjoy most are my comfort places. They are the one true area that I could go to and be peacefully satisfied. I know this is weird to most people. You would think how can food make you find peace? I think its because there is nothing else that I can do which I am more used to do then eating wrong. I grew up eating crap. I ate lettuce leaves with sprinkled sugar and my mom called that salad. I ate graham crackers with frosting made of powder sugar and milk with food coloring and my mom called it after school snacks. I ate soda crackers (saltines) with butter and jam and mom called it my sandwich. I ate warm pudding with cream poured on top and sprinkled again with sugar and mom called it a simple dessert. Mom didn't mean to do this. But Mom did and it created a lifestyle of unhealthy eating choices.
I'm grown now (well, have been for 32 years!) so I should know better. But there are some days I want to be blind. Some days I'm so sad and lost and confused with why things keep popping up. I try to realize these are just normal daily occurrences that we just need to get past. However, some days are harder than others.
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