Days of wonder to days of empty

When you first have children they talk about the challenges of parenting....the struggles of a baby waking in the night, 

the toddler who won’t stay in their bed, the cost of childcare, injuries from sports...

Having to take off work to pick them up from school when they don’t feel well, helping them with homework, a messy house, the never ending laundry, the cost to buy school clothes, packing their lunches....

You watch their eyes light up on Christmas morning....and try to soak in the  magic of those moments. 

You coach them in sports, rushing to practices and ballgames...and tote them all over the country to let them play the game they love...no matter how exhausting or expensive it becomes. 

Life is just so busy that you rarely even  stop to think what the end of those days look like. 

In fact, it’s not really even something you can wrap your mind around. 

You go into it thinking that 18-20 years sounds like a long time....

Then suddenly hours turn into days...days into months...and months into years.

That little person that used to crawl up next to you in bed and cuddle up to watch cartoons...suddenly becomes this young adult who hugs you in the hallway as they come and go. 

And the chaos and laughter that used to echo throughout your home....gets filled with silence and solitude. 

You’ve learned how to parent a child who needs you to care for and protect them....but have no clue how the whole “letting go” thing is supposed to work.

So you hold on as tight as you can...wondering how time passed so quickly...feeling guilty that you missed something....

Because even though you had 20 years.....it just somehow doesn’t seem like it was enough.

You ask yourself so many questions...

Did you teach them the right lessons? 

Did you read them enough books as a child? 

Spend enough time playing with them? 

How many school parties did you have to miss? 

Do they really know how much you love them? 

What could I have done better as a parent? 

.....When it’s time for them to go, it all hits you like a ton of bricks.

And all you can do is pray....hope....and trust that God will protect them as they start to make their way into the world alone.

Parenting is by far the most amazing experience of your life....that at times leaves you exhilarated....while others leave you heartbroken. 

But one thing is certain.....it’s never enough time...💕

So for all the parents with young children...whose days are spent trying to figure out how to make it through the madness...

Exhausted day in and day out...

Soak. It. All. In. 

Because one day....all those crazy days full of cartoons, snuggles, sleep overs, Christmas morning magic, ballgames, practices and late night dinners...

All come to an end. 

And you’re left hoping that you did enough  right, so that when they spread their wings....

They’ll fly...💕💕💕

Memories LOL

 

R.I.P. Audrey

My dear Audrey, 7 years ago today we met. Before that day I wrote about how badly I was ready for new adventure; boy did I find something new with you! We were introduced and with the shaking of hands all I could see were your flirty eyes! There must have been 100 other campers there, among them I made many new friends that weekend. However in you, I found someone who - like me - had been recently hurt and we both were left a little damaged. We stayed up way past midnight that first night star gazing and talking and laughing! You know how happy you made me that night, because the next two nights we spent the nights sharing and building a great friendship. You were a very important addition to my life and it was too bad you and I lost some time when your girlfriend was so jealous. But then the last two years of your life we had our friendship back and I’ll never forget how special that was. I hope you knew how much I loved you and how thankful I was for you in my life. Today I smile and share those memories in my head, tonight’s margarita I toast you and us. Fish on my dear friend, in the heavenly streams and lake. Catch a big one! 🐟 🎣 🚣‍♂️

written 7/17/2020 - published 2/16/2024
I wonder if everyone knew what was really going through Me, inside my head. Do they see the things  that I miss so deeply in my life? I have so many desires and I had so many goals and it’s sad that I didn’t reach most all of them and the desire’s are just memories of things from the past. Surprisingly it is the past that I find my comfort not the present nor do I see it in my future. Sure I see things that will bring me happy times, and I know I won’t be completely alone. The reason I say this is I will find places that accept me for me, people who will be-friend me just because they see something good in me. I describe my feelings like I’ve been trying to swim upstream or climbing up a waterfall and there’s just so much resistance that there’s no way I’m gonna make it to the other end or yo the top. I don’t want to keep trying to go up that hill that’s never ending. I don’t want to see the ones that I love not be at the top holding their arms out to embrace me. You can’t remove, And you cannot replace something good for something bad that happened in your past. Memories are all that I have and yet I feel they are alive. I feel that if I close my eyes and I think of that one or two or 5000 memories that made me so happy I can feel them and I can taste them and I can smell them and I can hold them much longer then when my eyes are open and continue going about my day. I am buying time, I am working until I retire, and then I will takeoff. With telecommuting and teleworking from home I can live anywhere and still work. So if they make it possible to do that I just may, I just may go somewhere, where the air feels right and the sky looks appealing and the people are familiar. I wish I could do that tomorrow. A birthday is coming up, another birthday that I’m not a part of. I think that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or maybe it’s just the silence. So much fucking silence! What I’d do and what I’d give just to hear that sweet voice again. To hear the laugh and see those beautiful blue eyes and that smile! I hold onto hope. Is it really too late?

Covid19

Just so I NEVER forget........April 2,2020.

* Gas price a mile from home was under $2.35
* School cancelled, with No return this year to finish this school year (no graduation, no prom, no senior skip day distance learning in place)
* Many parents and grandparents are learning to juggle working from home with homeschooling
* Self-distancing measures on the rise
* Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other
* Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors
* Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed
* Parks, trails, entire cities locked up
* Entire sports seasons cancelled at various school and professional levels (NBA, UFC, NHRA, MLB, Hockey all of it)
* Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled
* Weddings, funerals, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled, postponed or limited to 10 people
*No masses, churches are closed, and preachers jailed for allowing large gatherings. Online services only available
* Shouldn't socialize with anyone outside of your home
* Children's outdoor play parks are closed, no play dates or just hanging outside
* We are to distance from each other
* Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers
* Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill
* No visitors allowed in hospitals or nursing homes to visit sick or dying loved ones
* Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer
* Shelves are bare, but getting better
* Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE
* Government closes the border to all non-essential travel
* Fines are established for breaking the rules
* Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients
* Press conferences daily from the President and governor. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths
* Government incentives to stay home
* Barely anyone on the roads
* People asked to wear masks when outside
* Essential service workers are terrified to go to work, while medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Corona virus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this post?

One day I’ll read this, and it will be a reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one! ❤️

So I can't live with mom. I will when she is not able to care for herself. Until then I just can't. I'll keep things at her house so I can stay here now and then, but she's an old lady extremely set in her ways, with no bending, so it drives me crazy. She also has these weird habits of going behind me picking up my things - cup, spoon, snack, napkin, whatever is mine! and literally, at times, I've wanted to put her in time out! She also has zero knowledge of things acceptable to watch on tv. Sure, her jeopardy is fine, but she challenges herself each day to answer correctly and when she is super proud of how many answers she got correct, she will remind you for hours - up to days. Now her favorite show is a realty show called 90 day fiancé. Shoot me now! It’s on Friday night - reruns. It’s on Saturday night -new episodes. It’s on Monday night - as ‘pillow talk’ where previous cast watch last nights show. No. Just NO! And did I mention moms hard of hearing? Yeah the volume is at #40.
The point is, mom is no where ready to have someone move in. In fact, I feel most times she would just prefer I not be there! I guess it’s my fault because I can’t communicate with her on the type of topics mom brings up. I also like to watch my show with no one talking to me, is that asking for a lot? The list goes on and the outcome is: when it’s time I’ll take care of her. Until then 3 or 4 hour visits will have to do. I love you mom, but you are a lot, but you enjoy that place you are at. We’ll just let things lay as they do for now.
So, I stay at my house that I own with Nikki. Until
It sells. Maybe I’ll look into a one bedroom apartment afterwards.
I am ready to be Alive! To laugh with friends and enjoy a cocktail now and again. To watch a tv show it listen to music with whatever I want.
Week two in two days since hip surgery so still have recovering to do, but with another mind twist! It never gets boring
WenDee

One week post op

So this time last week I was very nervous but also full of sadness and skepticism and anger. For many reasons. I found myself thinking something will happen tomorrow. My friends and family will tell you it was because of my fear of an infection and of a blot clot. I believed I’d have a stroke or not recovery from anesthesia. I woke up, however, and I feared I was dying. I was crying and calling out and telling everyone that I could not breathe. I believed it. And yet, here I am. Awake. My number hasn’t been called, yet. I’m still scared that an infection is going to take over and destroy the

remaining tissue around my hip and the prosthetic will fail and I will die. Or a blood clot will
Appear and disengage and destroy my brain in seconds and I will be gone. But right now I’m here. And forget all the reasons that should be reason enough, I have to believe that there is a reason. Why has this pivot occurred and where am I going?! Well all I can say is we’ll see. There are many naysayers who, for some weird and strange reason still watch me perform on my stage and try to boo me off instead of picking up your hat and leave the show! You see I don’t care that I’m too much for you or I’m too dramatic for you or if you watch me in disgust saying “she’s always the victim” as you munch on snacks but don’t change the channel. It doesn’t concern me that you don’t get me, or like me, or mock me or backstab me. These are your choices and not mine. I’ve here for ME. For my genuine friends. For my family who never fail to show up. For my sons and my grandchildren and for you if you want or need me. There is a change on the horizon and as this wind has blown me here and there before, I will allow it to once again bask over me and direct me as I grab onto the hand of God and the feather of hope. One promise. I will fail over and over again. But if I’m physically and mentally able, I will rise and move forward, one step at a time.

And for some typical wenDee, here are my 7 days in photos. I love you.

GoodBye 2019

Goodbye to 2019. I can’t really say it’s been a great year, but I’m here at the end and for that, I’m grateful

I’m grateful to the many fiends, who like me despite the unlikable part about me. For helping me through the days as I shrug my shoulders and boo hoo about my pains. For listening to my crazy funny ‘mom’ stories - my 89 year old mother gives me so much material to work with as I love her beyond measure in her beautiful 89 year old self! For NOT giving up on our friendships because you realize we all struggle and we can even struggle Together.

For being able to be in Minnesota in January to say my final goodbyes to my Father

For being next to my best friend of 34 years in February as her body gave her peace ending her fight with lung cancer

For in March taking my mother on the long drive and be strong enough to visit Manzanar, knowing how much this moved her as she recounted the things she saw and learned by expressing this to others for months to come

For the long awaited sisters cruise in April for Paula and I to just be us (she had to put up with me walking while complaining of the hip pain!) A trip I will always relish

For taking momma in May on her Mother’s Day Tea with hats and scones! Later shopping and feeling the love between the 3 of us

For in June taking on a new way of eating - keto - to lose weight and get stronger for upcoming surgery. Although Thanksgiving and Christmas fought a war with my mind and body (and winning) I now know it’s possible and looking forward to this being a major part of my life.

For July showing me I must change and do my own life and not be pulled down by others. That I need to move forward with finding and living the happy WenDee life

For in August surrounded much with my granddaughter who shines a light so bright, it’s impossible to be living in the dark when she’s around 💜 For also being surrounded by life and the laughter with friends and having reasons to smile more

For in September to make it to age 59 and embrace the next year of growth!

For October Laughlin adventures with Jason and Elizabeth and getting my long awaited independence tattoo

For even the snow in November which shut down thanksgiving and realizing safety was the utmost importance and having a re-do the next day at Paula and Henry’s was still awesome and meant to be

For in December seeing Christmas decorations up in my bathroom (a first!) to enjoy for my eyes only. Then mid December the passing of someone so special to me, Audrey, so young and taken way too soon. Then for Christmas getting away to the mountains for a chilly, loving, laughing, game playing, much eating, heck off a wonderful Goluday weekend never to be forgotten

Just some highlights and some low lights. Here for all to see. I share my life, good or sad, for all to see. I’m open and honest. I like to bring you into my reality and for some to show I, like you, have the ups as well as the downs but we survive and push forward.

2020 will bring hip surgery, selling the house, moving in with mom and getting healthier. My pup Dexter won’t be with me long into the year, but I’ve had 15 of the best of times with my pouchy companion. My plans next year is to cruise back to Alaska with Jason, Jordynn and Elizabeth if I recover well enough. I want to take long weekends and travel to Northern California, Las Vegas, and Colorado just to name a few. We shall see in a year how these plans go, and what surprises come my way. I hope and pray to be here, and that all of my family and friends will be well and with us. I wish to see my son Evan and meet his children. I hope to be reunited with those from my past, the happy boat people and the fall on your ass laughing people. But mostly I pray God will hold my hand tightly as I go on this next journey in my life.

I love you all ❤️

Always

The arguing the friction the insecurities you have, how do you live with yourself knowing your words are not nice and cause hurt? Why do I keep trying? When will I realize that our differences could be just too much? You hold onto grudges as if it were a gold nugget. Tightly in your hand you release when your tired or had too much to drink or if, God forbid, I mentioned someone  in your family. I think after tonight my “dingdingding’ went off, I’m a winner, because I finally get it. No matter what I buy especially for you or a vacation I plan or a compliment or any words if endearment-there will constantly be something that makes you turn and I’ll “get it”. I don’t want or need this stress anymore. There must be a way to do the right thing. How? When? I need to get stronger. After my second hip replacement this September perhaps. Why can I make so many plans about other things but this thing is so hard?!

Another holiday, another year, another time to miss you. Paula, you and I used to take momma out to 'brunch' either the Saturday before mothers day or on mothers day itself. Oh how I wish and crave your presence to be with us tomorrow. It won't be the same, it hasn't been the same each year since you left. The hole in my heart hasn't reduced, just increased with how much I miss my sister, my 'twin'. This year is sadder than other years and I don't think it will ever get better. Thank God for your nephew Jason, he's been my rock and your grand niece Jordynn is my light in this dark world I've fallen into. Please keep asking God to bring the other lights back into my life. I pray everyday and cry every night for this. Tell Him I'll do whatever He wants me to. 

I love you K

8 years ago....was it just 8 years ago? My beautiful Oregon Coast

RIP Father

Dad. A WWII Naval veteran. You saw things you couldn’t talk about, but we knew it was ugly. A hard worker, making sure us 4 children had all we needed. A jokester, especially at Halloween, wearing that silly mask that guaranteed belly laughs..maybe my comedic humor all came from you and your examples. A swimmer, at your happiest playing in the pool - some of my happiest memories those summers growing up. A stubborn Norwegian which I sadly inherited, but no truer words. A math expert, where my obsession with numbers, the clock and money came from. I know you loved me and I know you knew my deep love for you. I will always miss you Dad. Ride with the angels and embrace your son and daughter who went before you. Rest Dad, in peace with Jesus.

Sad, but I must still try to live on

I got through Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. I tried so hard constantly praying and kept believing it would come. But as the sun shows signs of a sunset soon, no Christmas miracle that I held onto for months is coming my way. I’m so thankful for my other son Jason, who sees and hears my pain, who has much patience with me, who doesn’t feel that I’ve abandoned him in any way as he feels my heart because I miss my 2nd born so very deeply. I know he’s Ok. I don’t know if he’s happy, but I hope he is. I simply want him happy and safe. As the end of this year is rushing to be over, I know I need to keep praying for him, that I will not give up in. He’s a father and a husband, but he’ll always be my son. My blond beautiful inquisitive kid. I’m thankful I have so many wonderful memories because those can NEVER be taken from me. You may have my son, but you’ll never own his soul. I love you Ev.

20 years ago?

Today is 12/21/18. 20 years ago was 12/21/98. I can’t wrap my head around that time frame. Seems not at all that long ago and yet I’ve lived 3 lifetimes since then. I’m damaged now. Worn out. Wasted space that I promise  I’m going to fix, soon. I will rise again. I’m committed to turning those new leafs and digging in to make it all work out. I now have 5 years before retiring. I have work to do because in 2023 I’ll have 20 years left to live life to the fullest!!

Exhausted

It’s hard work. Always watching how you speak. Never knowing if that question will be taken as a jab or a joke. Exhausting when you think you are safe to have a conversation about life when all of a sudden everything has turned and you find yourself in a game of family competition. Wait, I didn’t say I wanted to play this game? Too late, you’re already in deep. It’s sink or swim. You can defend your life or shut yourself off from the world. You choose leaving the world because as crazy as it seems, that is much easier than being defensive. You see, the defensive rule is one that only she can win. So don’t play. Don’t think you are safe because you are most certainly NOT safe in that game. Shut down WenDee. Don’t say another word or the brunt of that mistake will haunt you. Just be silent. Look away. Don’t participate and don’t ask a question. In fact, go to bed. You are safe in that room. Even if she comes in, she’ll just get ready and go to bed. Her mask will go on, ear plugs in, and she will be asleep in a moment. You’ve won! Your timer in your crazy head goes off and all you hear instead of that buzzer is a beautiful song. Lyrics by Pink. Gaga. Stephen Tyler, Justin Timberlake. It doesn’t matter who, you hear soft singing expressing “you’re gonna be alright “. I never know how it or when I’ll feel OK but past experience tells me I’ll feel love again. I’ll feel safe in the arms of love. Paitience. Maybe it will be heaven......but I’ll feel loved and accepted again. Right? Wait, you think so? Now I am unsure. My fucked up head with the fucked up videos. Fuck it. I’ll awake tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes. Any bets out there?! You’d be wrong. Something will go wrong, I can certainly assure you of that. I’m fucking exhausted.

What do you want in your life with your relationship?

I believe most people have certain things that they can list, which can give them a feeling of peace and happiness. Let's lay out mine, shall we?!

1. Needed. There are times when people feel as if no one 'needs'  them. As if no one needs anything of them. It can also make you feel that you are done, that nothing is left to do or help for anyone 

2. Wanted. Along those same lives, this is something that keeps you going, when people want to be with you or hear from you. When the phone stops, the texting doesn't come, no invitations or parties that include your name. At this time you feel that you could disappear and no one would notice

3. Loved. When you are loved - and you feel the deep soul sense of someone loving you - there is the awareness you aren't alone. You will be held, kissed, loved on, and have those needs met as you willingly give back to your lover

4. Safe. Perhaps my #1 weakness. Without feeling safe, I want to hide. This is true in my work place, my neighborhood, my home and with sharing my thoughts. For when you are "safe", whatever you say or do in an emotional state or when you are upset, will not be thrown back at you as if to punish you for having that feeling or doing something silly. Your shared inner most secrets or ideas or even just thoughts, will remain safe with the one who makes sure you feel sane and safe. Without this you remain scared and guarded. Not an easy place to live

5. Trusted. When there is trust, you can do off the wall things and not be looked at as if you are crazy. You can talk to friends, visit new people, go out to lunch, play games with acquaintances (computer games!), etc. and you know that you are trusted and can have a carefree spirit. Without this, how can you be truly any of the above? 

Quote on depression: "People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again."

One day

I’m reminded many times in just one day why I should no longer be living. I’m told I have no friends and laughed at and told I’m angry and I act like I do nothing wrong and that a few simple short words gets spoken by me in what I think is a normal conversation, but before I realize I must have said it sarcastically or with a tone or whatever......then the punishment begins. I’m in a hell that has no door. Why am I a person who can be picked on or belittled or spoken to do condescending...as if I were a child? Does she know how close the rope is slipping out of my fingers? How fragile my mind is and how I self loathe myself enough for both of us? 4 people stand in my way. How easy that could turn to 2 any day now, so push a little more, drive me over the edge. You can shame me when I’m gone. You can play those videos you threaten to have so the world will see “how I really am”. One day the door will open. Then it will shut. One day.

......what it means

A face Tells it all.....

“A face could launch a thousand ships”. “a face only a mother could love”. My face says I’m miserable. I’m more depressed than ever. I don’t see the point of carrying on, and yet each day a sun rises and then sets in the evening. And I’m here. I cry to the Lord to help me. To rescue me. To change my world. To wake me up from the nightmares that plague and torment me. But no, this is my Plight. And so, this face, has changed completely in just 3 years. I’ll keep my head down. My mouth shut. My problems to myself. Unless I’m with my lil’ bit and her Daddy. Because those two are everything to me.