What do you want in your life with your relationship?

I believe most people have certain things that they can list, which can give them a feeling of peace and happiness. Let's lay out mine, shall we?!

1. Needed. There are times when people feel as if no one 'needs'  them. As if no one needs anything of them. It can also make you feel that you are done, that nothing is left to do or help for anyone 

2. Wanted. Along those same lives, this is something that keeps you going, when people want to be with you or hear from you. When the phone stops, the texting doesn't come, no invitations or parties that include your name. At this time you feel that you could disappear and no one would notice

3. Loved. When you are loved - and you feel the deep soul sense of someone loving you - there is the awareness you aren't alone. You will be held, kissed, loved on, and have those needs met as you willingly give back to your lover

4. Safe. Perhaps my #1 weakness. Without feeling safe, I want to hide. This is true in my work place, my neighborhood, my home and with sharing my thoughts. For when you are "safe", whatever you say or do in an emotional state or when you are upset, will not be thrown back at you as if to punish you for having that feeling or doing something silly. Your shared inner most secrets or ideas or even just thoughts, will remain safe with the one who makes sure you feel sane and safe. Without this you remain scared and guarded. Not an easy place to live

5. Trusted. When there is trust, you can do off the wall things and not be looked at as if you are crazy. You can talk to friends, visit new people, go out to lunch, play games with acquaintances (computer games!), etc. and you know that you are trusted and can have a carefree spirit. Without this, how can you be truly any of the above? 

Quote on depression: "People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again."

One day

I’m reminded many times in just one day why I should no longer be living. I’m told I have no friends and laughed at and told I’m angry and I act like I do nothing wrong and that a few simple short words gets spoken by me in what I think is a normal conversation, but before I realize I must have said it sarcastically or with a tone or whatever......then the punishment begins. I’m in a hell that has no door. Why am I a person who can be picked on or belittled or spoken to do condescending...as if I were a child? Does she know how close the rope is slipping out of my fingers? How fragile my mind is and how I self loathe myself enough for both of us? 4 people stand in my way. How easy that could turn to 2 any day now, so push a little more, drive me over the edge. You can shame me when I’m gone. You can play those videos you threaten to have so the world will see “how I really am”. One day the door will open. Then it will shut. One day.

......what it means

A face Tells it all.....

“A face could launch a thousand ships”. “a face only a mother could love”. My face says I’m miserable. I’m more depressed than ever. I don’t see the point of carrying on, and yet each day a sun rises and then sets in the evening. And I’m here. I cry to the Lord to help me. To rescue me. To change my world. To wake me up from the nightmares that plague and torment me. But no, this is my Plight. And so, this face, has changed completely in just 3 years. I’ll keep my head down. My mouth shut. My problems to myself. Unless I’m with my lil’ bit and her Daddy. Because those two are everything to me.

Be Me

I've always had a hard time following the rules. "If only she wouldn't talk in class" "just go with the flow or you will be left out" "Don't have your ideas be the way you live, do what everyone expects you to do"...these rules I did not keep and countless others have gotten me into trouble my entire life. It's been one of my biggest 'downfalls'. I've lost jobs, I've lost friends, I've lost family by choice, I've lost myself. I will now do my best to check my mouth before I speak. After all, it is my mouth that voices my inner thoughts and it is my words that are taken as opposite of its meaning. I will continue to be as I want to be, to joke and to share and to live authentically. But, it will mostly be in written word where I'm allowed to be me. I don't have to duck and cover when I spit out my ideas or concerns, or even my anger at what I feel is unfair. I've allowed myself to be judged and controlled and my soul to be deeply hurt. The one who has caused me the biggest hurt and making me feel as if I'm the walking dead because of the pain and hate dumped on me - that will never change unless they come back to me. But no more waiting for that day. If I shall lose in my life one of the things I love the most, so be it. For I know I've just been me. I don't listen to those who tell me WHAT TO DO or WHAT TO THINK or DON'T DO THIS OR THAT. That's fucking bullshit right there. If I hurt you and apologize, then fuck you if you don't accept it and still cast your hatred. For you know it's genuine and yet you play the game and continue to shoot me down. Live that life if you wish to live like that. I'm tired of the crap. I need a break. Just give me a damn break and fucking be a REAL person (man/women) and fucking forgive - communicate - share, and just be fucking human. Today I feel like I want to run away and live in a tiny little space where I can hide with my very few comforts that give me joy. To Live in a big city where I am not noticed from out of the crowd. A place where I can smile at the non ridicule, the non judgement. I can plant and harvest, I can cook and eat, I can go where I want and do what I want and my pathetic life of my pathetic ideas in my pathetic mind will be owned only by me. I visit where what I want. I can wear what I want. I can be - or I can not be. It will be MY life and fuck anyone who tries to break me down. I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. I'll embrace you if you embrace me. I'll let you be you if you let me be me. The End.

When...

When exactly did I become such a horrible person. Was is when my sister and I were molested by moms boyfriend and we sought revenge? Was it when I was date rapped and pushed down a flight of cement stairs? Was it when I was bullied in middle school for being the fat awkward comedic kid who had her hair plucked out one by one, from the mean girls who sat behind her in class, or the when the boys threw rocks at me as I raced home on my bike? Maybe it was when my brother died in a fire and my father walked away from my sister and me - after all we were nearly grown to fend for ourselves at ages 14 and 15. Was it when poor Alex drowned in the flood at age 19 and my sister fell apart? Could it have been after a painful breakup of 13 years? Maybe when my best friend, my almost twin, died? I think we are getting close. But there is that time after her death I moved away from Oregon to So Cal to help take care of mom and my stepdad who now were in there 80’s and 90's and didn’t have Karla to help....after all Oregon was only just the perfect place to live and a perfect job. No, I’m fine, really. Time went forward and I tried so hard to be a good person. To take a wife who I loved and felt loved and needed me. And things were tense from the first year on - we are so different.....but having a home invasion and our computers and cars stolen....well, why would I be a horrible person now? Then the car stolen a second time. I thought I couldn’t take any more, but I tried so hard to keep pushing forward. Got an amazing job, kept taking care of mom, tried to figure out how to be the right wife for Nikki....but It must have been just me being evil. Who the fuck was I fooling? No one. Evan literally walked out of my life. I can’t say anything right, I’m trusted - zero. When you ask? Why I think I’ve always been bad and angry. I was a mistake pregnancy and you see I’ve been a mistake my entire life. Do I play the victim? Fuck you. Look at my fucked up life and tell me if you wouldn’t feel a victim too. I never really won, just a continued set of losing hands except for being a mommy. Those 18-20 years were my happiest of my entire life. The only good thing I had. But, then life sucked and I should have figured it out. Why would anyone want to be around this sack if shit? I know I don’t. One day I’ll be gone and then no one needs to pretend that they ever really cared

How low can I go

As depression grows deeper within my soul, so does my weight gain grow higher. Higher than its been since 2009. Not all of what I lost has returned, but a good 1/2 of it. As of this writing, I'm not really caring anymore about that. I pretty much have tossed that hope to the wind of ever being thin again. That part of my life is over, as is many aspects of me - the alive Wen - has. My skin is not a healthy tone nor does it shine. My eyes have narrowed and the puffy around them have grown wide. My smile appears much less often, and my heart has hardened; even more. I exist right now for Jason and Jordynn. Although Jason has found a gal that makes HIS smile return and he soon starts a job near our home. After Jennifer decided she wanted a divorce, she cut off everything. I didn't know she cut him off two years ago emotionally and otherwise, but then I shouldn't have known that. The 12 weeks my son came to live with us, were the best 12 weeks I've had in a long time. I had a skip to my step, as they say, and was able to see lil' bit so often! This brought me so much joy. A bandage. A comfort. A soothing. A replacement to my mind of tattered thoughts. When he found his apartment and moved on in February, a part of me felt like it was taking final breaths. Those last few that seemed blissful. I was back in my own self, in my own head, with the words that spoke to my inner being of lonely and rejection and sad. Evan is still gone. His child now 16 months, I don't when or if I'll see my grandson. Now, they are due for child #2 in a few weeks. I hear it's a girl. Tiny pieces of information from someone who is scared to tell me in fear my son will not talk to them. It's fucked up. The evil that is around him has corrupted him. But, I can't let it hurt my soul. My heart already has too many bumps and dents. So, the depression ebbs and flows, but lately just lingers. Lingers with every moment of every day. I know not what the future brings, however if it were up to me.....alas, it is not. I pray to my God ask for favor. But even God seems to turn his head. To insert plugs into his ears and not hear. To place blinders over His eyes and not see, no one, not even God is witness to my continued fall. When will this fall end? As my mother goes on in her age of late 80's, I wonder if I'll see 60. Right now.....I hope not.

To Jason and Evan - just so you never forget

I tried to never let either one of you down. I did the best I could because I wanted you safe and to become a man with integrity and respect for others. I made you say you were sorry when you made a bad choice, Say thank you when given a gift and held doors open for others. I drove you to fill out applications and made you phone call back employers because working gave you responsibility and an outlook that nothing is free and you are not entitled. I trusted you, forgave you, and always cheered you on. I knew more then you thought I knew, looked the other way sometimes, and sometimes put my hands over my ears keep from hearing your shocking news! Through good, hard, sad, and happy times you were my boys. Never was there a mother more proud then me as I stood by watching you turn into the men I knew you could be. I love you deeply and completely and though no one knows what the future holds, you can be sure that this mom lives in your heart and through memories I hope you'll cherish as much as I do. God will always be your guide, trust that, and trust your heart

Dear God, it's me, wendy

God, why am i still here? why do i have to be tormented? every day. the struggle. i can't - i don't want to do this anymore. you've already proven to me my worth. it's nothing. i'm worthless, i just take up space, i don't want to be here anymore. i want to go. there is not one soul other than jason and jordynn that care and i know they will be fine without me. i pray that i can go soon. i hurt. all the time i hurt. my head pounds. my aching heart beats too loud. my memories haunt me every day. i have nothing that i need to do here any longer. my time is up. please God. please take me home. please put me and everyone out of this misery. no one needs me or wants me. nothing i say is right. nothing i do is right. nothing i eat is good. nowhere i go am i wanted. not even in my own home. i see the eyes, i hear the words, i feel the knife that pushes into my gut and my heart and my back and into my brain. words of repugnance and dispicableness. i used to be ok. i used to be loved. i used to be a part of it. i used to have friends. i used to feel important. i use to laugh. i use to matter.

i
don't
matter
and
i
can't
take
it
any
longer

Change, from wen to wen

at 56, you need to change
at 57, you must be changing
at 58, your change is showing
at 59, you hardly notice you've changed
at 60, you try to change others
at 61, your change is now you
at 62, you change a little more
at 63, RETIREMENT and change begins again

The countdown is REAL

Summer is depressing

Of course, every month is depressing when you are a manic depressive person. Right now I'm invisible again. No one sees me. I wonder what would happen if I never spoke a word without being asked a question? No saying hello first, or good morning. Just show up. Just do my thing, wear a fake smile in case the boss is around. Just be. Counting the days till retirement. Counting down having to live in this swelter and be around so many phony people. I hope to buy a little house tucked away in my heart home of Oregon. That is where my excitement is. Fresh air, light rain, green everywhere. Mountains, farms, winery's, downtown, lakes, beaches. Take the light rail to visit my favorite spots. Have my truck and trailer to go camping. Meet new friends that are cool, funny, friendly and accepting. 6 years......please go by quickly

My Life

Happy Birthday

A day to smile, a day to laugh, a day to give gifts and a day to celebrate!
Just wish she knew.
HBD

Damaged

There are no promises of tomorrow
no promises of even today

There are no persons who will accept
the broken person that you are

There are reasons, excuses and non-forgivable actions
that take it all away and you are left alone

Don't think you can laugh your way out
and make people see the outside alone

The inside oozes out and sloughs itself over all
and you are left standing in ooze that is a bright yellow

All the world sees your pathetic
all the earth covers its eyes

No one wants to call you their own
you are damaged

Stand alone and fight alone
love where you can and take what you can

Your worthy is rejected your attempts to be human
are taken away with the number of breaths you take

You can't fool anyone
you know that only the little ones find humor in you

You can't fool anyone
you know that the others take pity of you

No one should call you their own
you are damaged

I miss you Evan

Reminiscing. Brings so many smiles and yet so many tears. I love and miss many. To Jason, thank you for being such an amazing and loving son. God gifted me good with you, I'll never live up to such a gift. Evan, so far away, my heart aches. Being my last, memories of silly happy times, like dancing in the kitchen <3 span=""> I love you, my boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_4sevQGvI

Valentines Day

I used to dream of flowers and candy and jewelry and clothes. These represented love and affection on Valentines Day, right?
Well, that was a puffy dream that only those who have little substance produce in their mind. I've learned over the years - primarily over the last 10 - that what matters is who will be there for you.

Learn. Grow. Accept. Love

Can you answer: Who will pick you up when you fall down. Who will judge not. Who will prepare a meal to feed your aching self. Who will care with a smile and a soft hand. There are many ways to show love and affection. Mostly....you must L O V E and A D M I R E and E M B RA C E yourself. When you have found real comfort there, you can find comfort anywhere

➶ Look into that mirror, look into the heavens, look into your Soul ➶

Today:  

Then: 

Never say never - never give up on hope that is found within. Listen to the birds. Love the tall trees. Marvel at the butterfly. Ponder the view of a mighty ocean. Love is everywhere and Hope Is Now. 

James Evan Riley

Dear beautiful new baby, I loved you before you were here. I have dreams and wishes I'm praying for you to find. Your Daddy is an incredible man, even though he's allowed things to get in the way this past year. But deep down he had wanted you as his son for a very long time. You will grow to be strong like him, and like your Papa Russ. I hope you will be told about me and that they were only good and happy stories. I love you my new grand baby. Take care of Evan, your pa, when he is down. He has a tendency to be depressed, unfortunately that he gained from me and the many in our lineage. Be a good boy James, don't be hateful or mean. Instead be only kind and helpful and you will reap so many rewards!

Over

I am sick of this crap. Sick of feeling like I am the world's biggest fuck up. I know I am, and I fucking hate the feeling. The road to end this feeling seems so far away and I'm crawling like a little baby to reach it. Evan has damaged me. I thought I'd seen it all and faced the pain and was starting to get immune. But, nope. There was one more jab to spike into my already  bleeding broken heart and to want me to leave this world. And now I am living with it. I fucked up as a daughter. I fucked up as a wife to Russ. I fucked up as a sister. I'm a fucked up friend, and a truly fucked up girlfriend and a partner. Im still a fucked up wife along with being a fuck up as an employee, I am a fucked neighbor, and am a fucked up human. I now admit........I AM A FUCKED UP STEP MOTHER but worst if all....I gave myself a fucking bullshit title of being g a great mom. God, what a fucking idiot I am. I am done. I'm looking for my white towel. I want to throw it in the ring and say audios. The bell needs to ring. The referee needs to call it. 3.2.1. OUT. Ding Ding Ding. Maybe 2017

Thanks for givjng

Again. Fucking again. I will never be the me you want me to be. The tide goes from peaceful to roaring and crashing, back to peaceful, then I'm thrown under water. I can't breathe and I don't know how I got her. All I know us I'm a huge fucking disappointment to the entire fucking world. Guess what everyone.......I disappoint myself every fucking day so don't worry about disappointing me, I'm not worth any value anyway. Please, just keep pushing me off this cliff I'm dangling from anyway. Lord how do I, why do I still exist?!