To Jason and Evan - just so you never forget

I tried to never let either one of you down. I did the best I could because I wanted you safe and to become a man with integrity and respect for others. I made you say you were sorry when you made a bad choice, Say thank you when given a gift and held doors open for others. I drove you to fill out applications and made you phone call back employers because working gave you responsibility and an outlook that nothing is free and you are not entitled. I trusted you, forgave you, and always cheered you on. I knew more then you thought I knew, looked the other way sometimes, and sometimes put my hands over my ears keep from hearing your shocking news! Through good, hard, sad, and happy times you were my boys. Never was there a mother more proud then me as I stood by watching you turn into the men I knew you could be. I love you deeply and completely and though no one knows what the future holds, you can be sure that this mom lives in your heart and through memories I hope you'll cherish as much as I do. God will always be your guide, trust that, and trust your heart

Dear God, it's me, wendy

God, why am i still here? why do i have to be tormented? every day. the struggle. i can't - i don't want to do this anymore. you've already proven to me my worth. it's nothing. i'm worthless, i just take up space, i don't want to be here anymore. i want to go. there is not one soul other than jason and jordynn that care and i know they will be fine without me. i pray that i can go soon. i hurt. all the time i hurt. my head pounds. my aching heart beats too loud. my memories haunt me every day. i have nothing that i need to do here any longer. my time is up. please God. please take me home. please put me and everyone out of this misery. no one needs me or wants me. nothing i say is right. nothing i do is right. nothing i eat is good. nowhere i go am i wanted. not even in my own home. i see the eyes, i hear the words, i feel the knife that pushes into my gut and my heart and my back and into my brain. words of repugnance and dispicableness. i used to be ok. i used to be loved. i used to be a part of it. i used to have friends. i used to feel important. i use to laugh. i use to matter.

i
don't
matter
and
i
can't
take
it
any
longer

Change, from wen to wen

at 56, you need to change
at 57, you must be changing
at 58, your change is showing
at 59, you hardly notice you've changed
at 60, you try to change others
at 61, your change is now you
at 62, you change a little more
at 63, RETIREMENT and change begins again

The countdown is REAL

Summer is depressing

Of course, every month is depressing when you are a manic depressive person. Right now I'm invisible again. No one sees me. I wonder what would happen if I never spoke a word without being asked a question? No saying hello first, or good morning. Just show up. Just do my thing, wear a fake smile in case the boss is around. Just be. Counting the days till retirement. Counting down having to live in this swelter and be around so many phony people. I hope to buy a little house tucked away in my heart home of Oregon. That is where my excitement is. Fresh air, light rain, green everywhere. Mountains, farms, winery's, downtown, lakes, beaches. Take the light rail to visit my favorite spots. Have my truck and trailer to go camping. Meet new friends that are cool, funny, friendly and accepting. 6 years......please go by quickly

My Life

Happy Birthday

A day to smile, a day to laugh, a day to give gifts and a day to celebrate!
Just wish she knew.
HBD

Damaged

There are no promises of tomorrow
no promises of even today

There are no persons who will accept
the broken person that you are

There are reasons, excuses and non-forgivable actions
that take it all away and you are left alone

Don't think you can laugh your way out
and make people see the outside alone

The inside oozes out and sloughs itself over all
and you are left standing in ooze that is a bright yellow

All the world sees your pathetic
all the earth covers its eyes

No one wants to call you their own
you are damaged

Stand alone and fight alone
love where you can and take what you can

Your worthy is rejected your attempts to be human
are taken away with the number of breaths you take

You can't fool anyone
you know that only the little ones find humor in you

You can't fool anyone
you know that the others take pity of you

No one should call you their own
you are damaged

I miss you Evan

Reminiscing. Brings so many smiles and yet so many tears. I love and miss many. To Jason, thank you for being such an amazing and loving son. God gifted me good with you, I'll never live up to such a gift. Evan, so far away, my heart aches. Being my last, memories of silly happy times, like dancing in the kitchen <3 span=""> I love you, my boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_4sevQGvI

Valentines Day

I used to dream of flowers and candy and jewelry and clothes. These represented love and affection on Valentines Day, right?
Well, that was a puffy dream that only those who have little substance produce in their mind. I've learned over the years - primarily over the last 10 - that what matters is who will be there for you.

Learn. Grow. Accept. Love

Can you answer: Who will pick you up when you fall down. Who will judge not. Who will prepare a meal to feed your aching self. Who will care with a smile and a soft hand. There are many ways to show love and affection. Mostly....you must L O V E and A D M I R E and E M B RA C E yourself. When you have found real comfort there, you can find comfort anywhere

➶ Look into that mirror, look into the heavens, look into your Soul ➶

Today:  

Then: 

Never say never - never give up on hope that is found within. Listen to the birds. Love the tall trees. Marvel at the butterfly. Ponder the view of a mighty ocean. Love is everywhere and Hope Is Now. 

James Evan Riley

Dear beautiful new baby, I loved you before you were here. I have dreams and wishes I'm praying for you to find. Your Daddy is an incredible man, even though he's allowed things to get in the way this past year. But deep down he had wanted you as his son for a very long time. You will grow to be strong like him, and like your Papa Russ. I hope you will be told about me and that they were only good and happy stories. I love you my new grand baby. Take care of Evan, your pa, when he is down. He has a tendency to be depressed, unfortunately that he gained from me and the many in our lineage. Be a good boy James, don't be hateful or mean. Instead be only kind and helpful and you will reap so many rewards!

Over

I am sick of this crap. Sick of feeling like I am the world's biggest fuck up. I know I am, and I fucking hate the feeling. The road to end this feeling seems so far away and I'm crawling like a little baby to reach it. Evan has damaged me. I thought I'd seen it all and faced the pain and was starting to get immune. But, nope. There was one more jab to spike into my already  bleeding broken heart and to want me to leave this world. And now I am living with it. I fucked up as a daughter. I fucked up as a wife to Russ. I fucked up as a sister. I'm a fucked up friend, and a truly fucked up girlfriend and a partner. Im still a fucked up wife along with being a fuck up as an employee, I am a fucked neighbor, and am a fucked up human. I now admit........I AM A FUCKED UP STEP MOTHER but worst if all....I gave myself a fucking bullshit title of being g a great mom. God, what a fucking idiot I am. I am done. I'm looking for my white towel. I want to throw it in the ring and say audios. The bell needs to ring. The referee needs to call it. 3.2.1. OUT. Ding Ding Ding. Maybe 2017

Thanks for givjng

Again. Fucking again. I will never be the me you want me to be. The tide goes from peaceful to roaring and crashing, back to peaceful, then I'm thrown under water. I can't breathe and I don't know how I got her. All I know us I'm a huge fucking disappointment to the entire fucking world. Guess what everyone.......I disappoint myself every fucking day so don't worry about disappointing me, I'm not worth any value anyway. Please, just keep pushing me off this cliff I'm dangling from anyway. Lord how do I, why do I still exist?!

Victim

Apparently I portray myself as a victim. Sadly, I've heard this before and I am still surprised when I hear this. As if I didn't think life was worth living anyway, but now I'm at fault, again. Apparently. I'm so fed up, so tired of always being treated so mean. Words fucking hurt and you know this. Your intention is to say the words that you know cut into my heart like a smoldering sword. And, I'm always caught off guard but it turns into a nightmare. I get upset. I try to discuss but there's no way to be heard. Her mind is made up. And I lose. I end my day in tears, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. Its these moments I'm so certain my time on earth is finished. When will I ever stop being a coward?

The 3 J's

Thank you family. Thank you for reminding me why I'm still here. You give me smiles, you give me your time, you accept me as me and you always show me love. Can't wait for our Christmas vacation! Love Momma Grammy

A movie or reality?

Do you ever feel like you are just going through life in a movie? Maybe a weird sitcom, or soap opera. The movie title: Death becomes her, fills my thoughts over and over. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes days on end. See, it's not the Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep movie I think about, but rather how that line feels. It feels more and more like how my real life is, it defines my inner feelings. Death. Where once I wouldn't udder the word, is now so familiar. I thought my reason, why God allowed me to be born, was to deliver my boys and set them free into the world to do amazing things. I thought I was a wonderful - yet always self proclaimed imperfect - mom. Russ was an incredible Dad, I never doubted that he would be. But I took such pride in what we accomplished. Jason so smart, so sweet and friendly. Never a bad word from him! Every goal he set out for himself, he did. He was the most incredible brother and growing up into a strong man, a nurse, a father, a husband. Evan, born with a sparkle and a wit that would have all happy and giggling. His character of being a good friend, helpful son, and into a Navy Soldier. My boys. Their mom. I looked at them and would say: a job well done! But for a few months, perhaps much longer than I realized, maybe a couple of years, apparently, I have been a fraud. A fake, a fairy tale, a yarn I've spun in my head. Because today, my world crashed....again. I don't think this time I will pull myself through. No "time heals" story hat I'ved heard from so many every fucking time someone left me, is going to help. A brother dies in a fire. A father packs his bag and walks out of my life. A man my mother is seeing  molests me repeatedly along with my sister until we kick his ass. A date decides no means yes and forces himself on me, raping and taking my last shred of hope for being cared about away from me, leaving me to make the worst decision ever in my life - and alone in the process. This all under the age of 17. Time. Time helped. Mostly what helped was being rescued by a man that fell in love with me. You see, before then I did not care if I was alive or dead. I participated in games and with the 'wrong' crowd. I drank. Dabbled in drugs. It didn't matter because hell, I'll live to 22 and then die like my brother. But, no. I married, I was so happy. I was loved, cared for, protected and safe. We went on to have these precious kids and raised them in sports. In church. Cub and Boy scouts, camping. Swimming pool. Friends. Bikes. Roller blades. Video games. Real home cooked food where we sat at the dinner table, discussing our day.  We laughed we loved and we lived a great life. Then darkness came with the death of sweet Alex, my sisters 19 yr old, the boys' cousin. Sadness and hurt, anger and rage.  However,  the strength of the family's core, pulled us together and in time we went forward with all that was love. 2011 my world changed forever with a devastating blind side, a pain that is concrete, then 5 months later my heart tore, a hole in it's center - Karla was dead. My dear sister. Her mind Still feelng the loss of her youngest boy. How does a mother ever heal from that? Her pain coupled with the mental anguish of bi-polar and alcoholism. My sister who was like my twin, just 1 year older. I knew her thoughts, I felt her pain, I carried her secrets. For these losses, this time, I was alone. Kids grown and on their own. Older and feeling like I didn't have it in me, I couldn't heal. I've never healed nor will I ever. Something to be said about being surrounded by love and support. Getting thru the next three years wasn't easy. My journal of that time reveals the dark hauntings in my writings of loneliness, bitterness  and deep in my soul pain. I wanted it to be over. There wasn't a way out of the crazy and that drove me to drink more and smoke more and take giant risks and be angry......and to never ever want to trust anyone ever again because if you do, then they stab you. They leave you. They die. And each time, a little bit of wendee dies. Meeting my dear wife is an example of what could have happened. I thought I had put again the things aside that had crushed me and left me in a pile of pain and digust....It took a lot to again trust. And, because I was not healed enough, whole enough, strong enough......I thought I was, but I really wasnt......I almost reversed this curse of mine onto her, for her to experience. I had a moment, a brief moment, but I stepped back into my reality. My safe and loved and cared for zone. And here I have built a new happy life and we have love and we have wonderful jobs and brand new cars......and then crashing after crashing after crashing......today another. But I'm spent. I have nothing left in me to fight. I am now going to simply exist. I can't hardly think because my mind races to the flashes of days gone by, of two blond toe heads running through the house, basketball outside and cartoons up loud....a time of unconditional love. Of hugs and kisses. Waves of goodbye at the bus stop. Back to school nights with proud smiles on faces.....the images from babies to weddings, back to learning to ride a bike, the navy and heart surgeries, pregnancies and grandchildren....my life has been so full of extreme ups and hellish lows. And now I can't find the space to crawl out of the firey room....this one...will break me. I pray to God to take me home. I pleed to find my sister-brother-nephew-friends, those who have escaped this crazy but sometimes but always unpredictable madness of beauty and evil we call life...im too tired now. I don't have the fight. I'm giving in, giving up. What is, will be. I'll work, I'll save, I'll spend. Life is short-my motto forever. And tomorrow will come, the sun rising then setting to bring on the moon.This is it.

It doesn't matrer

So I was a bitch all day. When I sat with you and J laughing about the dog, watching and talking with Ed while he did the gate, thanking him over and over, helping with the broken glass, in the living room with Ed J and you, then your mom....all of that was me being a horrible person. I guess I'm scum of the world to you. I'm mad because I cry. I'm arguing because I like to talk things out. I'm a loser in your eyes. You make fun of me. You don't share things with me. Why are you with me????

Fucking Thieves

Yesterday was wonderful. Full of joy and smiles and anticipation. My first day back to work after 7 weeks on medical leave getting my new artificial hip. I was walking great, relieved to have my job so secure and anxious for a fresh start. Yesterday was wonderful. Today, I woke up to a nightmare. I don't even know what to type, what I can type, what I should type. My feelings 12 hours later are hurt. Fear. Grateful. But mad as hell. We are all OK, and that should be all that matters. Maybe tomorrow it will be. But tonight, I am pissed that ruthless persons decided what we possessed, what we saved money up for, what we delighted in and were thankful to have.....was stolen. Both our new (18 month old) vehicles were stolen from our driveway. The thrives took our lil prides from us. That's not bad enough. They invaded our home. While sleeping, they quietly crawled their disgusting degenerate sneaky shood-be-shot bodies thru Nikkis daughters bedroom window. She wasn't home. They knew this. They knew her car was gone OR they knew she wasn't home and came thru her window which had been left open an inch. One must have sleezily crept out of her room then he looked to the left on the computer desk (approximately 30 feet from our sleeping bodies) and unplugged with their greedy good for nothing slimy hands our computers, walked into the kitchen and lifted from the hooks our full sets of keys. Keys to our cars, to others peoples houses, keys to the mailbox, to storage units, to home safes, and to others we can't remember yet. Our home, where we sleep at night thinking we are safe in a house with every door locked but compromised with a slightly open window, is no longer a safe haven. Oh sure, all locks today have been changed. Window locks put on. Cameras installed and security being looked into. But I'm not safe. We aren't safe. Our cars aren't safe. I know its not a human, but it was mine damn it! Fucking little selfish druggy has my car now, or he's sold it after stealing everything! Hey asshole, enjoy the walking cane. Or maybe the brand new car seat booster I got for my granddaughter. Perhaps you'll get a kick outta the brand new back pack filled with hygiene products, food, money and other items that were meant for someone in need. Really jerk? Did you need that!? Oh, and there were treasures in the console compartment and pictures too. Enjoy fucker. Right now, yes I understand we weren't hurt or killed. But do we really have to settle for that when we've been violated in other ways? I know, I know. But damn it for tonight, I can't stop crying and being MAD!

And then, I blink

I go through the day happy and singing a sweet song. Life has hurdles and I aim to jump over but at my age and condition I miss, a lot. But most of the time putting streeses aside, I'm feeling so in love and on cloud nine. But, there are those times I blink and I find I'm still just sad and a lonely little Wen. I am a failure, a reject, a troublemaker and a worthless space. It's in those blinks I find such utter disgust. This seconds that I'm reminded that people like me are not destined to find the happy boat and there really isn't anyone who Can understand me; who gets me and accepts me. My words and actions are not right and I shouldn't pretend to be a put together grown up. It's within these blinking times where darkness, I'm afraid, could take over. It's sad there. And I just wanna disappear. It's dark, very dark.

fuck i'm a wimp.
i have always been so fucking worthless
why the fuck does anyone think I am worthy to be alive.
i'm not.
i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i'm sorry
Top drawer. Right side. Insurance policies. pictures.
No drum role. no pomp and circumstance. no nothing.
please God why can't now be the time?!

Guess what?

I admit it.....

I don't think I deserve to be alive.

I don't think anyone will miss me long, after a couple of months I will vanish from everyone's memory.

So, God. Do you hear me? I'm ready. 

There isn't anything left of me that I can give to anyone.

Jordynn.......she will remember her punkety wunkety Grammy. Jason will tell her the stories.

Evan will remember how much I love and adore him.

Jason knows that it is HIS life for the purpose of my birth, he will continue to bless others. My mission is done.

Mom has lost 2 of her 4 children. She's used to her kids dying on her. Mom is strong.

To my bio dad....fuck you. You fucking walked the fuck away from me and tossed me aside.

I hate you for neglecting me and not reaching out to me. I hate you for letting your wife rule your head and hurt me and my family in the process.

To my friends.................you know I just can't do this
To Nikki.....why did you even bother to love me? I'm un-lovable and I'm sorry I hurt your heart

I can't keep trying to make other people happy when all I do is hurt them.

I am a waste of space and don't deserve a second look. 

I never did.

I hate me