I miss you Evan

Reminiscing. Brings so many smiles and yet so many tears. I love and miss many. To Jason, thank you for being such an amazing and loving son. God gifted me good with you, I'll never live up to such a gift. Evan, so far away, my heart aches. Being my last, memories of silly happy times, like dancing in the kitchen <3 span=""> I love you, my boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_4sevQGvI

Valentines Day

I used to dream of flowers and candy and jewelry and clothes. These represented love and affection on Valentines Day, right?
Well, that was a puffy dream that only those who have little substance produce in their mind. I've learned over the years - primarily over the last 10 - that what matters is who will be there for you.

Learn. Grow. Accept. Love

Can you answer: Who will pick you up when you fall down. Who will judge not. Who will prepare a meal to feed your aching self. Who will care with a smile and a soft hand. There are many ways to show love and affection. Mostly....you must L O V E and A D M I R E and E M B RA C E yourself. When you have found real comfort there, you can find comfort anywhere

➶ Look into that mirror, look into the heavens, look into your Soul ➶

Today:  

Then: 

Never say never - never give up on hope that is found within. Listen to the birds. Love the tall trees. Marvel at the butterfly. Ponder the view of a mighty ocean. Love is everywhere and Hope Is Now. 

James Evan Riley

Dear beautiful new baby, I loved you before you were here. I have dreams and wishes I'm praying for you to find. Your Daddy is an incredible man, even though he's allowed things to get in the way this past year. But deep down he had wanted you as his son for a very long time. You will grow to be strong like him, and like your Papa Russ. I hope you will be told about me and that they were only good and happy stories. I love you my new grand baby. Take care of Evan, your pa, when he is down. He has a tendency to be depressed, unfortunately that he gained from me and the many in our lineage. Be a good boy James, don't be hateful or mean. Instead be only kind and helpful and you will reap so many rewards!

Over

I am sick of this crap. Sick of feeling like I am the world's biggest fuck up. I know I am, and I fucking hate the feeling. The road to end this feeling seems so far away and I'm crawling like a little baby to reach it. Evan has damaged me. I thought I'd seen it all and faced the pain and was starting to get immune. But, nope. There was one more jab to spike into my already  bleeding broken heart and to want me to leave this world. And now I am living with it. I fucked up as a daughter. I fucked up as a wife to Russ. I fucked up as a sister. I'm a fucked up friend, and a truly fucked up girlfriend and a partner. Im still a fucked up wife along with being a fuck up as an employee, I am a fucked neighbor, and am a fucked up human. I now admit........I AM A FUCKED UP STEP MOTHER but worst if all....I gave myself a fucking bullshit title of being g a great mom. God, what a fucking idiot I am. I am done. I'm looking for my white towel. I want to throw it in the ring and say audios. The bell needs to ring. The referee needs to call it. 3.2.1. OUT. Ding Ding Ding. Maybe 2017

Thanks for givjng

Again. Fucking again. I will never be the me you want me to be. The tide goes from peaceful to roaring and crashing, back to peaceful, then I'm thrown under water. I can't breathe and I don't know how I got her. All I know us I'm a huge fucking disappointment to the entire fucking world. Guess what everyone.......I disappoint myself every fucking day so don't worry about disappointing me, I'm not worth any value anyway. Please, just keep pushing me off this cliff I'm dangling from anyway. Lord how do I, why do I still exist?!

Victim

Apparently I portray myself as a victim. Sadly, I've heard this before and I am still surprised when I hear this. As if I didn't think life was worth living anyway, but now I'm at fault, again. Apparently. I'm so fed up, so tired of always being treated so mean. Words fucking hurt and you know this. Your intention is to say the words that you know cut into my heart like a smoldering sword. And, I'm always caught off guard but it turns into a nightmare. I get upset. I try to discuss but there's no way to be heard. Her mind is made up. And I lose. I end my day in tears, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. Its these moments I'm so certain my time on earth is finished. When will I ever stop being a coward?

The 3 J's

Thank you family. Thank you for reminding me why I'm still here. You give me smiles, you give me your time, you accept me as me and you always show me love. Can't wait for our Christmas vacation! Love Momma Grammy

A movie or reality?

Do you ever feel like you are just going through life in a movie? Maybe a weird sitcom, or soap opera. The movie title: Death becomes her, fills my thoughts over and over. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes days on end. See, it's not the Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep movie I think about, but rather how that line feels. It feels more and more like how my real life is, it defines my inner feelings. Death. Where once I wouldn't udder the word, is now so familiar. I thought my reason, why God allowed me to be born, was to deliver my boys and set them free into the world to do amazing things. I thought I was a wonderful - yet always self proclaimed imperfect - mom. Russ was an incredible Dad, I never doubted that he would be. But I took such pride in what we accomplished. Jason so smart, so sweet and friendly. Never a bad word from him! Every goal he set out for himself, he did. He was the most incredible brother and growing up into a strong man, a nurse, a father, a husband. Evan, born with a sparkle and a wit that would have all happy and giggling. His character of being a good friend, helpful son, and into a Navy Soldier. My boys. Their mom. I looked at them and would say: a job well done! But for a few months, perhaps much longer than I realized, maybe a couple of years, apparently, I have been a fraud. A fake, a fairy tale, a yarn I've spun in my head. Because today, my world crashed....again. I don't think this time I will pull myself through. No "time heals" story hat I'ved heard from so many every fucking time someone left me, is going to help. A brother dies in a fire. A father packs his bag and walks out of my life. A man my mother is seeing  molests me repeatedly along with my sister until we kick his ass. A date decides no means yes and forces himself on me, raping and taking my last shred of hope for being cared about away from me, leaving me to make the worst decision ever in my life - and alone in the process. This all under the age of 17. Time. Time helped. Mostly what helped was being rescued by a man that fell in love with me. You see, before then I did not care if I was alive or dead. I participated in games and with the 'wrong' crowd. I drank. Dabbled in drugs. It didn't matter because hell, I'll live to 22 and then die like my brother. But, no. I married, I was so happy. I was loved, cared for, protected and safe. We went on to have these precious kids and raised them in sports. In church. Cub and Boy scouts, camping. Swimming pool. Friends. Bikes. Roller blades. Video games. Real home cooked food where we sat at the dinner table, discussing our day.  We laughed we loved and we lived a great life. Then darkness came with the death of sweet Alex, my sisters 19 yr old, the boys' cousin. Sadness and hurt, anger and rage.  However,  the strength of the family's core, pulled us together and in time we went forward with all that was love. 2011 my world changed forever with a devastating blind side, a pain that is concrete, then 5 months later my heart tore, a hole in it's center - Karla was dead. My dear sister. Her mind Still feelng the loss of her youngest boy. How does a mother ever heal from that? Her pain coupled with the mental anguish of bi-polar and alcoholism. My sister who was like my twin, just 1 year older. I knew her thoughts, I felt her pain, I carried her secrets. For these losses, this time, I was alone. Kids grown and on their own. Older and feeling like I didn't have it in me, I couldn't heal. I've never healed nor will I ever. Something to be said about being surrounded by love and support. Getting thru the next three years wasn't easy. My journal of that time reveals the dark hauntings in my writings of loneliness, bitterness  and deep in my soul pain. I wanted it to be over. There wasn't a way out of the crazy and that drove me to drink more and smoke more and take giant risks and be angry......and to never ever want to trust anyone ever again because if you do, then they stab you. They leave you. They die. And each time, a little bit of wendee dies. Meeting my dear wife is an example of what could have happened. I thought I had put again the things aside that had crushed me and left me in a pile of pain and digust....It took a lot to again trust. And, because I was not healed enough, whole enough, strong enough......I thought I was, but I really wasnt......I almost reversed this curse of mine onto her, for her to experience. I had a moment, a brief moment, but I stepped back into my reality. My safe and loved and cared for zone. And here I have built a new happy life and we have love and we have wonderful jobs and brand new cars......and then crashing after crashing after crashing......today another. But I'm spent. I have nothing left in me to fight. I am now going to simply exist. I can't hardly think because my mind races to the flashes of days gone by, of two blond toe heads running through the house, basketball outside and cartoons up loud....a time of unconditional love. Of hugs and kisses. Waves of goodbye at the bus stop. Back to school nights with proud smiles on faces.....the images from babies to weddings, back to learning to ride a bike, the navy and heart surgeries, pregnancies and grandchildren....my life has been so full of extreme ups and hellish lows. And now I can't find the space to crawl out of the firey room....this one...will break me. I pray to God to take me home. I pleed to find my sister-brother-nephew-friends, those who have escaped this crazy but sometimes but always unpredictable madness of beauty and evil we call life...im too tired now. I don't have the fight. I'm giving in, giving up. What is, will be. I'll work, I'll save, I'll spend. Life is short-my motto forever. And tomorrow will come, the sun rising then setting to bring on the moon.This is it.

It doesn't matrer

So I was a bitch all day. When I sat with you and J laughing about the dog, watching and talking with Ed while he did the gate, thanking him over and over, helping with the broken glass, in the living room with Ed J and you, then your mom....all of that was me being a horrible person. I guess I'm scum of the world to you. I'm mad because I cry. I'm arguing because I like to talk things out. I'm a loser in your eyes. You make fun of me. You don't share things with me. Why are you with me????

Fucking Thieves

Yesterday was wonderful. Full of joy and smiles and anticipation. My first day back to work after 7 weeks on medical leave getting my new artificial hip. I was walking great, relieved to have my job so secure and anxious for a fresh start. Yesterday was wonderful. Today, I woke up to a nightmare. I don't even know what to type, what I can type, what I should type. My feelings 12 hours later are hurt. Fear. Grateful. But mad as hell. We are all OK, and that should be all that matters. Maybe tomorrow it will be. But tonight, I am pissed that ruthless persons decided what we possessed, what we saved money up for, what we delighted in and were thankful to have.....was stolen. Both our new (18 month old) vehicles were stolen from our driveway. The thrives took our lil prides from us. That's not bad enough. They invaded our home. While sleeping, they quietly crawled their disgusting degenerate sneaky shood-be-shot bodies thru Nikkis daughters bedroom window. She wasn't home. They knew this. They knew her car was gone OR they knew she wasn't home and came thru her window which had been left open an inch. One must have sleezily crept out of her room then he looked to the left on the computer desk (approximately 30 feet from our sleeping bodies) and unplugged with their greedy good for nothing slimy hands our computers, walked into the kitchen and lifted from the hooks our full sets of keys. Keys to our cars, to others peoples houses, keys to the mailbox, to storage units, to home safes, and to others we can't remember yet. Our home, where we sleep at night thinking we are safe in a house with every door locked but compromised with a slightly open window, is no longer a safe haven. Oh sure, all locks today have been changed. Window locks put on. Cameras installed and security being looked into. But I'm not safe. We aren't safe. Our cars aren't safe. I know its not a human, but it was mine damn it! Fucking little selfish druggy has my car now, or he's sold it after stealing everything! Hey asshole, enjoy the walking cane. Or maybe the brand new car seat booster I got for my granddaughter. Perhaps you'll get a kick outta the brand new back pack filled with hygiene products, food, money and other items that were meant for someone in need. Really jerk? Did you need that!? Oh, and there were treasures in the console compartment and pictures too. Enjoy fucker. Right now, yes I understand we weren't hurt or killed. But do we really have to settle for that when we've been violated in other ways? I know, I know. But damn it for tonight, I can't stop crying and being MAD!

And then, I blink

I go through the day happy and singing a sweet song. Life has hurdles and I aim to jump over but at my age and condition I miss, a lot. But most of the time putting streeses aside, I'm feeling so in love and on cloud nine. But, there are those times I blink and I find I'm still just sad and a lonely little Wen. I am a failure, a reject, a troublemaker and a worthless space. It's in those blinks I find such utter disgust. This seconds that I'm reminded that people like me are not destined to find the happy boat and there really isn't anyone who Can understand me; who gets me and accepts me. My words and actions are not right and I shouldn't pretend to be a put together grown up. It's within these blinking times where darkness, I'm afraid, could take over. It's sad there. And I just wanna disappear. It's dark, very dark.

fuck i'm a wimp.
i have always been so fucking worthless
why the fuck does anyone think I am worthy to be alive.
i'm not.
i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i'm sorry
Top drawer. Right side. Insurance policies. pictures.
No drum role. no pomp and circumstance. no nothing.
please God why can't now be the time?!

Guess what?

I admit it.....

I don't think I deserve to be alive.

I don't think anyone will miss me long, after a couple of months I will vanish from everyone's memory.

So, God. Do you hear me? I'm ready. 

There isn't anything left of me that I can give to anyone.

Jordynn.......she will remember her punkety wunkety Grammy. Jason will tell her the stories.

Evan will remember how much I love and adore him.

Jason knows that it is HIS life for the purpose of my birth, he will continue to bless others. My mission is done.

Mom has lost 2 of her 4 children. She's used to her kids dying on her. Mom is strong.

To my bio dad....fuck you. You fucking walked the fuck away from me and tossed me aside.

I hate you for neglecting me and not reaching out to me. I hate you for letting your wife rule your head and hurt me and my family in the process.

To my friends.................you know I just can't do this
To Nikki.....why did you even bother to love me? I'm un-lovable and I'm sorry I hurt your heart

I can't keep trying to make other people happy when all I do is hurt them.

I am a waste of space and don't deserve a second look. 

I never did.

I hate me

"happy" thanksgiving?

i woke up so happy it was thanksgiving! my favorite holiday. i knew it would be a little tough because going to my nephews, my sisters kids house, would bring on so many memories. but it was going to be good.
but then....SMACK. i am smacked in the head with again the mistrust, accusations. the trying to get me to be honest stuff. the 'hiding stuff on your phone' line again.
i'll never be trusted. ever. no, not ever again.
and tonight it is me who is called the angry girl. fuck me for trying to be honest with my feelings or shall i say, my conversation about something that came up that did not go as she said it went. small things i say gets twisted into i'm being mean, or i'm changing the plan, or i'm the one who EMPHASIZED the words she deemed were words to hold against me all day. all i wanted was a day. a day without the pain look in her eyes. the day for laughs and smiles. the day for food and merry.
i know its my fault. its all my fault. everything is always my fault. i'm guilty. i'm wrong. i'm an asshole. i'm this. i'm that. and tonight i'm ANGRY GIRL who deserves to be spoken to in a way that only a child is to be spoken too. i am at fault. i am wrong. i should have not said this. i should have not done that.
again, its my fault. its my fault for bringing hurt into her life. it's my fault for fucking everything up. my fault. i'm the asshole and i am the one who really really REALLY deserves to be alone. i always fuck up. i am my mothers daughter and she always fucked up so why shouldn't i be the one to fuck up.
why the fuck do i think i deserve anything? because i don't. i really honestly think i deserve nothing. i deserve to be alone. to live alone. to work alone. to just fucking BE THE FUCK ALONE.
i will never ever gain her full trust. nope. i fucked that up. she had something done to her - in her words - cut her to the deepest core of her being. something she's never had to deal with or thought she'd have to deal with. she is trying to trust me. she doesn't. she is trying to forgive me. she doesn't. she won't. i know this. i fucked up and i own that. so should i have every day of my life from this day forward, be treated like i am a fucking asshole? maybe. maybe i should just take the treatment and shut my fucking mouth. maybe i should just burn holes in my arms so i can look at them and know how much i hurt everyone. why the fuck am i even living??? today i feel like i do not want to live. i want to be with karla, with brad, with GOD. Please God, hear my prayer. take me now. I'll never be anything positive in anyones life again so why not take me now. I'm just wasting good valuable space here on earth. take me God, please hear my prayer.
w

One year no posts

one year plus 10 days later and here we are.
no new posts.
no inspirational reasons to post.
that is odd to me, since I am truly a 'writer' in my soul and in my mind.
what am I waiting for? an inspiration or a stir in my soul? a happy or sad event so big and destructive that only writing about my thoughts of it could release the enormity of it?
maybe i'll be writing again....soon.
for now, I wait. something big is in the air. I can feel it in my bones.
stay tuned!
love, me

life

seriously, life shouldn't be taken seriously.

wait, what i mean to say is life is a joke.

no, don't think that's quite it.

life is what you make of it. there, that seems to fit.

crap happens and you listen, ponder, and move on.

its impossible to determine how to live according to your circumstances.

because serious - or what the world deems so - comes and you are told to not take lightly, don't repeat mistakes, don't sit on your hands..react.

why should you let something that happens to you negatively, become so powerful over you?

now, i believe you should take heed. you must learn from the negative.

actions and choices are made to try to convince your mind that it must not happen again because the pain and self loath or disrespect to the one who produced the negative in your life is going to go away and at one point, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will forget and it will no longer bring that sting of pain. so it will no longer have value. so it will no longer be important. but will you still remember?

i hope you do. i hope you remember what you said, and what you did. where you failed and where you gained. where you got ahead and where you tripped. where you could have made a decision to be right or to be kind. 

be still oh heart of mine. embrace the good and the happy and the positive and push away the bitter and the cold and the negative. 

this is serious. 

something different

Today we will try a little test.
Lets see if we can add daily to a list of gratitude's . I am grateful for much and sometimes because of the negative situations that come into ones life, I can be sidelined rather than in the game playing.
Today I look forward to much.
I am happy to have a girlfriend who has an amazing power which is love. I've never met anyone as loving as she and here I am, her chosen one. So today I am so grateful for HER.

forward

One day ends and another begins
sometimes you just have to exist to survive
just be awake and up and moving
and people will think you are happy

but inside you aren't

they will never know if you don't show them
don't let them see that they 'got to you'
and you can exist
and survival comes from simply existing

Summer days ....

August has always been the longest month of the year to me. It's too warm, TV shows are on hiatus, ice cream is too tempting and big bodies get overheated in the sun. August always seems to remind me of negative and for that it is my least favorite month. Weird how a certain time of year can change ones thoughts. I guess that's not so different if you think about November. November brings crisp breezes that flow through the air and is refreshing (to me). I am reminded of family with the holidays coming and seeing decorations and people smiling and greeting each other - usually a little friendlier.
It has been a weird few weeks. Who am I kidding, a crazy two 1/2 years! Some days things are amazing and wonderful and so happy that I am overwhelmed with the love that is all around me and the people who are so good to me.
Then....a day pops up and anxiety and panic consume me.
Today is one of those days. I begin my new job Monday and I hope that the tomorrows outing will wash away the heaviness. With Nikki's hand and the ocean in front of me there is much hope that it will. I'm just glad that my baby grand girl Jordynn is here with me today. She is the best medicine that I could ever have. I wonder if she will ever realize that because of her I am still on earth today?
I love you Jordynn Marie <3 p="">

My dear sister, oh how I miss you....today was your day and Mom and I talked about you all day. We shared stories of when we were young and I shared with my Nikki this morning what I pictured you looking like today;
Long flowing golden locks of hair, whisping past you as the breezes flow your hair behind you. Your smile is large and your eyes are bright and full and blue. I see no wrinkles or blemishes, only smooth beautiful skin of a warm tan under a white dress made of a gauze type material. Your arms are spread open wide and lifted slightly toward the heaven. I guess my vision is you are an angel, a heavenly spirit of undying love and compassion. This, my sister who I miss beyond words, helps to sooth the open wound that is still left on my heart. I love and miss you, birthday girl.
Our California Dad is in the hospital and he is so tiny and he is so weak and frail. And yet here this almost 94 year old CONTINUES to surprise everyone with words that fall from his mind out of his mouth from that old little face. I can hear what you would say, and I can see the tears that would flow from your eyes as you joke with him still and talk to him close to his bed. He loves you Karla and is thinking about you as he lies on that hospital bed knowing that he may or may not return home, and what condition he is in and what is sure to come soon. We all send our love and our kisses to the sky and beyond. Happy 55th Birthday.