TRACY CHAPMAN - THE PROMISE

If you wait for me 
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me 
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you 
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting 

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise 
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me 

And say you'll hold
A place for me 
I in your heart.

What I'd like to say ...

Her kisses are full of a sweetness I have never ever tasted before...

Her hands are like silk as they caress my skin...

Her eyes say things that make me go weak at the knees when she looks at me...

Her love makes me vulnerable yet stronger than I've ever been...

My woman, my love, my strength

Today is my first full day at age 53

...so where am I going and what am I doing?

I found out something yesterday that brought back pain I hadn't felt in many years. I don't know why I was surprised. It's not like this is the first time this had happened. But, just like bumping your toe on furniture, you've done that many times before but each time its just as painful.

The road of life really is one lesson after another. Sometimes we think we know and then we are reminded that we didn't have a clue. I try to take the lesson and move on, move ahead, forgive - but NEVER forget.

I want to take the leap, I want to do what makes ME happy and content. Why is that so hard to do?

Go Katy P, GO!

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down Before you met me, I was a wreck But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine Let's go all the way tonight No regrets, just love We can dance until we die You and I, we'll be young forever You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream The way you turn me on, I can't sleep Let's run away and don't ever look back Don't ever look back My heart stops when you look at me Just one touch, now baby I believe This is real, so take a chance And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

Waiting

It seems my life in some respects has been "put on hold" since November 2011. I've had to wait for something to happen, and then the shoe was dropped so I was left waiting for something else to happen.

Finding me was important. Finding the me that was the new me, as the old me would never surface the same again. And yet, I found me while searching through tears and friends and events.

Then, another shoe. Followed by yet another and another and another......

So the trick is to be the ME that is from within. The ME that doesn't change through challenges or events that I have no control over. The ME that is moved by the passions deep within my soul. The ME that finds joy in the simple and the familiar things. The ME that makes others happy and the ME that others appreciate. I am ME. I love me. I love this next new "ME" that resides. And I will continue to love ME and share ME through the end of times.

Connections

Connecting on a level like none other before, feeling like there is comfort and familiarity and yet incredibly new and like nothing previously experienced

Now to give time and space and freedom - must give if there is any hope

I believe

I believe I'm valuable and lovable and worth fighting for
I believe I possess qualities that should be honored and appreciated
I believe there is hope in pushing away past demons and creating daily dances of future loving memories
I believe that what I value, who I am, my individual character traits should be accepted and validated
I believe where there is a pull - there is hope

Time is short and life's continuum of quality is unclear

I choose to live and breathe and run with everything positive and happy and loving

4 days

4 days to wait for that blast of fresh air...
4 days from now, my fingers running through her hair

No expectations and no reason to worry...
Breakfast plans being made, we won't hurry

Gentle and free, two souls with a quest...
Combining love and devotion, in desire and rest

In our busy lives setting time for us aside...
For it is part of the journey, the one we now ride

There is nothing to fear, only honest connections...
Where 4 days from now, we will carry out our intentions

.....that special place

One month ago the sky was brighter, the moon was fuller, and the air was clearer than it had been in a very long time...one month ago smiles were shared, eyes met and talks began - the stage was set

This time has been both still and quick, days last long and yet are over in the blink of an eye. You know what I am thinking, you know what to ask, and you know how to capture my full attention. my mornings are welcomed with joy and love and my evenings end with peace and contentment

soon....we will be side by side, no outside interruptions...only two souls with two hearts entering one connection....all in our special place.

14 Ways To Rethink The Love In Your Life

14 Ways To Rethink The Love In Your Life

1. Your feelings are not an all-or-nothing-deal.

You can love someone just a little. You can love a lot of people just a little. There’s no switch that goes on for every single person you meet that will tell you whether or not you will love them for all of eternity. Sometimes it’s a mystery to uncover, and that is a process that should be enjoyed. You will not always be certain that someone is either your soul-mate or just a friend, because not everybody falls into either of those categories; there is a spectrum when it comes to love, and there will be many people in your life who fall along all different ends of it. Love is not an all-or-nothing deal.

2. The heart and mind should work in tandem.

Love is not logical, but at the same time, you can’t just let your feelings run rampant and allow you to make irresponsible, harmful or dangerous decisions, like staying with an abusive partner. It is a tricky equilibrium, but it’s important to learn how to listen to your heart first while still considering what your head has to say about it.

3. It will probably never be defined, so don’t try to identify it by making a list and checking off if someone makes you feel a certain way.

Love is to be experienced. You do not love someone just because they fit into a set of pre-established criteria that you thought would be necessary to have feelings for someone. As aforementioned, you have to let your heart navigate and your head copilot for a little logic and reasoning now and again. 

4. Fulfilling love is not just romantic.

Love is also the essence of who we are. You are not unloved because you don’t have a romantic or sexual partner, this is another way that love can be experienced.

5. Sex and love are different, but are great when they coincide.

Just because someone wants a sexual relationship with you, or vice versa, it does not necessarily provide much indication of where they are at emotionally. You can have fulfilling sexual relations with people you don’t love, and likewise, you can be very much in love with someone without being sexually compatible.

6. Likewise, marriage and love are different, but are also great when they coincide.

People expect that if they marry someone it will confirm that they are in love and will be forever because they are legally bound to be. Marriage is not a grand and glamorous exclamation of love everyday of your life. It’s paying bills and taking trips to Costco and cleaning up after each other when you’re sick and unable. Some people consider that love, and others consider it obligation. Realize that “happily ever after” is not necessarily marriage, and you have to consider the realities of life post-nuptials.

7. It is something you do, not just something you feel.

It’s a verb. You can have feelings that you define as love, but you do not “love someone” until you act on that, and put them before yourself: their happiness, well-being etc. You should apply this to the people who claim they love you but don’t act like it. Words mean next to nothing unless they are backed with action.

8. It is easily and often confused for lust.

It’s hard to differentiate between feelings, since they’re usually all bundled up and packaged into one little body that can’t make sense of things. But love and lust are different in one key respect: love puts the other first, lust puts the self first.

9. There is no end-all-be-all when it comes to choosing a partner.

You can have a fulfilling life with many different people. There are, however, some people who will do more for you than others, this is just the reality of being alive. It doesn't mean, however, that you've lost out on love for the rest of your life because it didn't work out with one person, nor does it mean that you’ll never love someone that way again.

10. It grows with time, it is not stagnant.

It’s sometimes easy to think that facing challenges means that your love is depleting, but really, if you want to work through those issues with someone, and you come out on the other side stronger both individually and as a couple, you've got something good going on.

11. It will change you, if it hasn't already.

Love is not something you blindly experience and then come out of the same. It is transformative. If you’re having trouble identifying whether something is love or not, something to consider is the effect it has had on you. I’m not saying that love is selfish and solely about what it does for you, but rather when you love someone with all that you've got, and you let it reverberate through you and impact you completely, you will come out a different person… or more aware of who you really are.

12. It is not always certain and definite. You are allowed to be unsure.

I think sometimes people get more upset about not knowing than the fact that they don’t know. Embrace the uncertainty and see it as part of the journey… try to understand why you are uncertain, and what matters so much to you that you are considering how other options could pan out better. More than anything, though, realize that there is no “right” and “wrong” necessarily, the universe will autocorrect, just be ready for the plunge.

13. It is very rarely smooth and flawless.

It is more often all messed up because real love impacts you at every level and brings forth everything you need to deal with. The real fairy tales are what happens when you find someone who changes you and you’re able to live happily ever after with yourself.

14. It cannot, should not, and never will be what gives you your sense of self.

If that’s what your love does for you, and that’s what keeps you in it, it’s time to leave until you can fill yourself with love first.

Serendipity

I knew the escape was necessary

being pulled to go as if I had no say or choice in the matter

no stress, no fuss, just get on the plane and go

Let my hair down, impress no one, be me and be free

play and laugh, meet new friends 

drink up even if getting drunk beyond reason were to happen

Driving into the park, feeling a powerful energy that was unlike anything I'd felt in a long while

the trees, the sky, the smiles on faces of strangers and familiar friends

a sense that this would be certainly a time to remember

I had no idea the magnitude .........

simplicity

I crave to be in the presence of my love, being 'me' and her being 'her' and both finding bliss
For there is no 'wrong' when you are doing what pleases you

A walk in the woods, a path by the river, a blanket set out and wine slowly sipped

Star gazing on a clear night, a drive through the country, exchanging conversation - open and honestly

Scrambled egg breakfast on the bed in the morning watching classic movies and cuddles till noon

Cooking dinner of vegetables, meats and herbs, laughing as the pot is stirred, setting candles on the table by the fire - dinner served in one bowl sharing the cooked delights

Simplicity

Brown Eyes

Oh those eyes that penetrate deep
those brown eyed beauties capturing my heart to keep -
Spilling out and showing her true beauty
her compassion, her romance, her adorable bootie

Her smile that radiates for all the world to see
this stunning women who stands before me -
The happy that reaches deep down to my bones
is a feeling that's brilliant in rainbow tones

Her skin soft as cotton, so smooth to the touch
I'm tempted and moved to want to remain in her clutch
The sun shining, sends a message to me -
for its magic that happens when we are together....you'll see!

The Heart of it All

My heart skips to a new beat -
having her always on my mind
I feel so blessed she was present -
her warmth, her whisper, her kind

Early in days and hours -
not at all a very long time
With hours of conversations spoken -
soon she'll hold her hand in mine

Life has a way of unfolding -
the secrets of what is to come
where once set on not knowing
now brightness has settled and overcome

I'm sure that nothing is promised -
for compliments are thrown around
but what there is no doubt of
is this lady is singing a new sound

so close....I can feel the senses come alive
the air seems lighter and the sky is bluer
the wind is crisper and the stars are brighter
aching, pleading, gasping....a whisper

the room is alive and the arousal is high
thoughts of instant memories come to life
the day is beginning and falls quietly into night
minutes turning to hours and cascading onto days

lay down and remove your shoes...let the shirt fall
sing to me the song that only i can hear
take me to a place that only i can see
so close.....i can taste the the energy

What do you want WenDee, what do you really want?

I desire to have a special woman in my life who is strong. Someone who I do not settle on, but someone who has the characteristics that are sincere and honest and open.

She will be someone who can walk into my family and be loving and warm. Her smile and friendliness will capture their hearts and she'll learn to understand the dynamics of what my family is all about. They will welcome her as they see how good she treats me and how loving we are. They will know when they see our eyes and how we interact and they will be pleased that I have found true love.

My love will be an active woman who inspires me to push forward - one who plays and laughs and loves deeply. She will venture out into the world and hold her hand out to me, bringing me with her as we discover new places. She will also allow me to take her arm and bring her to that peace and calm that settles her soul and feel the emotional and spiritual connection that only two who come together in love and respect can feel.

My love will have a past and bring her own baggage and her pain and her broken heart. She will know that I as well carry this same lot. Together we will heal and learn and put all things in the places they need to be in; no longer in the front room but in the basement or the attic. Yes, they shall still remain, but they will not be a stumbling block to move forward. I hope that whoever she is, would not walk away because of anything in my past but rather embrace the wendee of today and want to be a part of the wendee of tomorrow.

I want to live simply and be allowed to love deeply. I want my partner to have the freedom to enjoy their own passions and that I be respected to have the same. I hope that whoever she is, she would not walk away because of anything I have had to experience and may still be lingering around my being.

Since I was a child my heart has been played and beaten. It has been stepped on and broken. I've lost pieces where empty holes remain. But, when alone my heart can never truly heal. I have to trust that there is a way for bandages to be placed by someone special, someone whose love and care would soothe the wounds and the pain and the heart would be held with tenderness. No longer will the sting and the pain that was once felt, remain.

We all have a path in this journey to take. I've been alone long enough. My love, my sweetness, find me lingering along this path - take my hand and please walk beside me as we experience a new life together.

MoM

Spending so much time with mom these last 11 months I've seen her wither away. To outsiders they would say how strong she is. After all at age 83 she has no obvious health issues other than her arthritis. But, I see more. I am privy to the mental health of my mother. 

Her father had what was called back then-dementia. What I remember from this seemingly happy man was a frail fellow who smiled a lot, who played cards with me every time we went to visit, but who also sat in his wheelchair complaining. He also was a story teller. Oh, his little jokes and white lies were harmless, or were they? I think there was a lot more to him then what met the eye, and I believe that is the case with my mom. 

Mom seems to have stories that change from time to time, from person to person, from her mood to mood. I grew up with this. Mom could excuse away anything and believe it whole heartedly. Her memories change and become less or more to the original reality of the event. This has been a part of my life since I could remember, starting at age 5. 

Today I had to tell my mom that she is not the same, that she is forgetting things and making things up. I said I'm sorry momma I know you don't want to hear this, but you don't realize that your brain is playing tricks on you and you have to trust me (with your medications, money, etc). The look on her face made me cry. She appeared to show a sense of sad with a sense of not believing it. She just looked at me. At that moment I knew for sure, all things worked out for the best in my life. I was meant to be here. I was meant to care for my mother in her aging years until the end. I was meant to meet someone who understood this commitment and I was meant to be in this god forsaken desert...at least for now. 

I do not know the number of years we have with mom being "all there" but I am going to try my hardest to love her every day as best as I can. God help me!

Myself and I

I love myself the way I am
Because I know I have my flaws
But then again so does everyone else
It's the choice of what you do with your imperfections
That sets you apart from your pessimistic peers
I love myself the way I am
Because no one else can be just like me
I will always have one unique thing about me
That sets me apart from the rest of the world
I think what I want, I do what I want.
I love myself the way I am
Because I surround myself with the people I love
I have friends and family to guide me
To be by my side when I need them the most
I love myself the way I am 

Reminder

Always be yourself, no matter how weird you are. Anyone who's worth knowing, will love you for being you. 
If you doubt yourself, others will doubt you as well. Stand proud, confident and in your truth.

HBDH

One year ago today I remember how sad I was.
Today I remember everything.

understanding and clarity

i only was trying to protect me

it seemed like the right thing to do so the pain would be less

the reality that i must let go of any false sense of entitlement 

all done to protect me, no other agenda

i still flounder and haven't found a firm stick to hold onto

the days fall into one long one and sometimes i even forget that its a new week

but i wish for utter happiness for DC, for contentment and peace

that life would only bring smiles and flowers and dances in the moonlight