Listen.....can you hear it?

Shhhh...hush now...someone is talking to you
She is calling your name, can you hear her?
The young self, the one who wants to protect the current self
she has seen the torture you have put yourself through.
No one can rewrite history.
If you had known then, what you know now....
is but merely a saying that makes no sense.
For you will never know then what you have learned and gotten to know, now......

I'm sick of those who have hurt me and how the power of that pain is still haunting me --

they bullied me because i was an easy target and they were cunning
she pushed me away because she needed to find herself away from my shadow
he left and didn't turn back because he choose to be free of the burden
he left because he didn't know he would never come back
he molested me because he had the opportunity
he raped me because he knew i would never tell
she didn't protect me because she was a child still herself, left in a foreign territory

And as the years went by I thought I was safe. That I had run into the arms of safety, only to realize those arms were simply to protect, not provide all that was needed for thriving.

So I allowed my heart to be taken, only to later learn that it was the same - only the opposite - as what I had done those many years before. Oh the pain of rejection is as fresh today as it was before...only the words continue to haunt and rule my mind.

That is when the power of meditation and the reliance of my higher power...my God...who will warm me when cold and hold me when the tears are running as rivers down my face.

AM I WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind replied the author.

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO..

S F M S N G C T P n H P D F S

7 Years

I just remembered something. The body completely is a new every 7 years. The hair, nails, cells, blood, everything is completely changed in 7 years.

1998 - 2005 Long Distance
2005 - 2012 Not long Distance

First 7 was different than the 2nd 7

2012 Completely changed - a completely different person.

Interesting

Mid life crisis, new friends, reality to aging, reality to losing children, reality that time is running out, wanting to go back to youth with having free style and no commitments with fun and partying....

Hmmmm

Too Much

I'll never be good enough for anyone. I might as well face my fate. I fuck up. All the time. It doesn't matter all the good I do because in the end, when you make a mistake - its over. Its not like a bank account where you put money in and keep making deposits. Then one day you withdraw a bit. Even if you have lots of money in there, YOU were bad and YOU took some out so now YOU are a failure...again....always have been and always will be.

I'm too much.

Why the fuck do I think I deserve anything good? Why should ANYONE treat me as if I'm worth it? I'm not.

No chances, or should I say not many are given.

I proclaim that I will be alone forever. Me and my dog. Visiting my grand daughter and family will be the highlights of my life.

I deserve to be alone. I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm no fun. I suck at everything. And I hate me.

The night before the move

I'm feeling very emotional tonight. I've cried off/on all day. My mind is filled, no overfilled, with what I need to do. Tomorrow I move my things into my apartment. Yes I know I have the brawn and it will get done, but all the things surrounding this move are according to my plans. I am in charge and quite honestly I'm pissed that I have to rely only on me. Sure, I'll feel opposite when its done as it will most likely go well...but now, tonight, I am worrying about the apartment being ready, the truck rental going off without a hitch, my boys and my nephew up to doing all this packing the truck and unloading the truck, having to bring mom back and forth to co sign the lease, the dog going to the kennel for 2 days and nights, having to pick up a fridge on the opposite side of town that I bought......and I know I'm missing a lot more.

I've been crying since I dropped off the remainder of Karla's clothes to charity. This wasn't fair! She should be ALIVE goddamnit! The emptiness our family feels is so real and so huge that it is felt everyday by each one of us. I want my TWO sisters to be happy for me and to be here for me right now. I really need them BOTH!

I miss my friends - I miss my Mike Swift so much. He was my rock, my confidant, my brother, my buddy who always checked on me and surprised me with his smiles and his wit. Last time I did this moving thing he was there, both for packing up my things for my last Hillsboro Apartment and for packing it back up to move to So Cal. He is GREATLY missed and I'm crying over that. I miss seeing Ashley and getting her hugs and seeing her beautiful smile and missing out on her life. I miss my job that I dearly loved and found so much contentment and security. I miss my happy boat, my meetup girls, my beautiful OR weather and mountains, my coffee shops on every corner, my life.

Now, I begin - FUCKING AGAIN - with a new chapter. I need to keep being the Wen that I've been since I moved. The positive happy one. The one who is grateful for my life, my kids, my grand daughter, my mother and all of my family here close to me. The one who will now cook her healthy meals again, ride her bike, do her zumba and get healthy! The one who forces herself to not look back because every time I do it pains me too deeply. 

WenDee will transform, once again, into a shining light and will enjoy new found love  - live again - and keep laughing! 

Watch out Lancaster, I am here and I need you all to wrap your arms around my heart accepting and embracing me. I will stay, and I will be me :)

One Month down

Here it is, one month already that I have moved away from my heart home of Oregon and back to the high desert in So Cal. I am definitely appreciating what my new surroundings show me. The air is clean and the sky by day is a brilliant blue! The sunsets are truly amazing. The skyline is vast and not obstructed with trees so you see the large sky filled with orange and red colors and clouds and it truly is a beautiful sight to see. On the other hand, there are no trees :)

 I have not run into any snotty snobby people at all. Everyone smiles, waves, hold doors open, say please, thank you and have a nice day. Refreshing! 

The temperatures have been ridiculous....at first around 107 every day then it tapered down to 95 for a couple weeks, now its in the high 80's. I can tolerate 80....but I'd much prefer 69! I'm sure 69 will be in my near future ;)

My apartment has been approved and I should be moving in around Oct 22nd. I think its close enough to mom's, a little under 7 miles. Drive time is around 12 minutes, unless I speed to get there which I surely will if there was an emergency. I'm looking forward to my own bedroom with my own bed and things within reach! I've been wearing the same few clothes that I took with me in the car, the rest is in storage, so looking forward to a selection again. With the cooler weather not hear yet, I'm still OK with summer shirts. I've been planning the decorating of my new place. My kitchen will still be filled with a few rooster things, but thrown into the mix will be my cafe' area. I have new signs that will be put up with my new keurig coffee maker and mug board. 

Dining room will be elegant and the living room artsy. Getting a 2nd hand couch as soon as I find one but the rest of the room will not be shaggy chic, that will be for the guest room and the guest bath. 

My bathroom will again be all floral, but in darker tones and I'm painting my white accessories plumb. I bought a used behind the toilet shelving that goes from floor and over tank then 2 shelves, then a cupboard, and a top shelf. All will be painted plumb. More candles here, of course!

My bedroom, will be romantic. I've already purchased some art work of beautiful females of the past and a maroon scarf to use on my 4 poster bed. Lots of candles, CD player, and pillows with new blankets. There will be romantic words put up on the walls...I've ordered them and I can't wait to receive my new things and have this NEW place with special touches meant for just ME  :)
(you'd be surprised what you can find cheap on craigslist and ebay!!)

Mom and Dad are doing alright. Dad is so very very frail. He is down to 124 and eating only oatmeal and mac and cheese, along with just a few other softer and mild foods. He tries to eat things I cook and does OK. However, most of the time he suffers at night or the next day so it just isn't worth it. Mom doesn't eat much...although I've seen her private stash of candy, crackers and cookies :) Like mother like daughter!

I've found a new groomer and boarding for Dexter. We visited and the place is so clean and the staff very nice. The prices are quite cheaper than barkzone in Hillsboro. This place has been in Lancaster for 30 years and has a great reputation. This Friday Dexter will have his first day-care and we'll see how he responds to it before he stays over night next month when I go to VEGAS!

Seeing my grand daughter at least every 3 days is beyond amazing and fantastic! I can't imagine not being here now. Her smiles and her arms reaching out to me each time are heart melting. I'm looking forward to her walking, running, and babysitting :)

Tax school is going very well. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would. I will be hired on in January and will work as much as I want to. Its awesome going to class with my best friend too! We have been catching up and its like I never left California. Speaking of friends, going to see Jenn on Friday and maybe Susan if she can. If not, next week. I am meeting a couple ladies on Saturday night for drinks. They are a part of the LGBT up here and I'll be starting my new 'Lesbians, curious and friends of' meetup soon. Just working out some details first. 

Well, that's enough for now. I'll be back in a couple weeks after the move in and maybe there will be more updates other than boring apartment layout plans LOL! 

Till then, Ta Ta!

Wen

Happy Birthday Wen

They say its your birthday.....gonna have a good time

I'm now age 52 and living at my parents home...wha?? huh??
Well, I am for 'now'
The loss of my long term partnership and then my sister dying has brought me home to where I am. But, I'm OK with being back in So Cal because of the wonderful friends and the family that I have left are here.

Well, all but my biological father. Did I mention that this asshole who I've bent over backwards to reach out to since Karla died hasn't emailed me, called me, of sent me a card or letter? Yes. Such a fucking prick. He's incapable of showing love or responding in a human manner or to suck it up with your stupid Norwegian pride and reach out to your daughter who you've fucked over since May 2, 2010.
Today I was excited (for some odd reason) to got the mail. I thought for sure after all my attempts I would get a card from him. Nope.
FUCK YOU ROBERT AMUNDSON. I am not your daughter any longer. I don't give a shit if you are an old man. Not too old to call my last living sibling. Not too old to care about her, her husband and her family. Me? My family? They are DEAD to you. You fucking go on cruises, out to eat, visit friends, go shopping, do yard work, have parties....you are not too old to fucking type two lines in an email, at the least. And, you are not too old to put a stamp on a purchased card, even if you only sign it: Love Dad. Are you too old to realize what you've done to this daughter who is still alive? Who you screwed over as a child, then a teen and into adult hood?
Is WenDee ever gonna give up or give it a rest - knowing what she had in her biological parents - and the fact that it was what it was?

I don't think so. My mother made a ton of mistakes, but she owned up to them. She asked for forgiveness. She reached to me in countless ways to encourage me, to love me, to accept me, to show me that she was only human but took responsibility for her mistakes as a mother. This is called forgiveness.

I will push on, I have no choice and I cannot let him continue to push me down in my life. Look, age 52 and still concerned about her "Daddy" and how he feels about her? I am DONE. I am walking away from HIM.


*update 3:00 PM*

So, he called me. "got your birthday card today, sorry i didn't get yours in the mail yet. i'll mail it tomorrow. i didn't have your mothers address. i've been busy with this friend, and doing that with my wife, and gee, um, so look for my card in the mail soon. ok, don't want to use up your cell phone minutes so i'll say goodbye. bye."

click

what the fuck ever. please, don't bother. i really don't want a birthday card 5 days late and only sent because of some guilt factor you had because i happen to have sent you an early birthday card. gee. wonder if you hadn't gotten my birthday card until sept 30th when it was your birthday. would you have called me then? would you have 'forgotten' to have sent out a card? would you have pretended to have cared?
no
no
no

I am walking away from that which has caused me pain
I need to separate myself with those who have done me wrong
I have forgiven, I cannot forget, and the hurt is reopened every time I give it my attention in my mind
People can be fucking mean and cruel.
People are hurting and they hurt others, but I have the choice to not be in their hurting path

I can't do this alone, I am well aware.

Today its my birthday ... I have the next year to accomplish much. To those who have done me wrong, watch out. Karma is a fucking bitch and so am I.

From Oregon to So California - The first 2 weeks

Driving away from Oregon was harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I knew I'd have some deep emotions, however I was genuinely sad and depressed for the first few hours of my drive. I really never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be moving away from Oregon - certainly never alone at least. But, I was and as I got closer to the border, I realized that nothing mattered as far as the reason I was leaving but what mattered is what lies ahead for me.

I realized that what is in my future, what is in store for me,

is an adventure that will be embraced and not just allowed to 'happen' as I have been doing with living my life since last January. I new zest for living and for being the best WenDee I could be to all those that I meet from here on. New things are coming my way! 

When I drove up to my mothers house, there was my sister Paula, her husband Henry, my sons Evan and Jason along with daughter in law Jennifer and grand baby Jordynn and my Mom - all with big smiles and a large welcome home sign strewn on the garage! I was smiling from ear to ear. Here they were, arms wide open, ready to love and to laugh with me again. Back Home. 

I now have a responsibility to take care of my mother and my California Dad, Wes, who I refer to as 'Dad'. He is now 92 and extremely frail. My mother at 82 can't do this alone. She does not drive and she has been trying to do it all alone since my sister Karla died. Its exhausting to care for your loved one. Also, I see my mothers eyes with the realization that her life is also coming to a halt. No more weekend get away's with her husband, no more out to dinners to dine for two, no more walks in the sunshine or on a rainy day, nothing more than to enjoy each others company at the kitchen table during those times Dad is feeling up to sitting in the chair. She shows him so much love and gentle caring. Truly, it is an honor to watch my mother providing what she can to help Dad keep his dignity and to be there for him in whatever capacity she can.

My room at Moms is a one room studio :) I have most of my things in storage, a few things in moms garage, and then what I thought I'd need for 2 months in bags that are tucked away in my little room. So far, so good. 

I've been able to be of some help, and I am assessing what will need to be done once I move out (that won't be until Oct 23rd). For the first few days I laid low and visited mostly, as well as drove around Lancaster to see what has changed. Also, have enjoyed just dropping in on my grand daughter that is only 1 mile away from Mom's house! 

My sister Paula lives only 1 hour away in Simi Valley so I plan on being with her often! Thursday after I got here I drove to her place and stayed overnight. I brought Dexter too as she was so welcoming to let me bring my baby. Its sort of tough being homeless with a small dog in this 100 degree plus heat! I can't keep him in the car, even for 5 minute run into the store stops. So, I'm limited with what I can do and when. Mom and Dad have been amazing and gracious while I'm here to let Dex hang out at the house. Mom has NEVER EVER had an animal inside her house other than birds in a cage. Dexter has been a perfect little dog, no barking, no accidents (knock wood!) and no running around. Its almost as if he knows that these are elderly people that he has to be gentle and quiet around, not to mention to get out of the way when Wes is trying to walk. Here is Dexter's place on my little twin bed: 

Staying overnight at my sisters, allowed me to be there Friday when Evan had the day off. We had the best day visiting his NAVAL Base at Pt Mugu. He showed me all around where he goes for training, the NEX, the aircraft he would be going out on the next day and the beach off the base. We walked into the water, it was so refreshing! Not as cold as the Oregon coast, and so pretty. Dexter loved running on the sand and Evan and I enjoyed our walk and taking pictures. I really cannot convey how happy I am when I'm with either of my sons. The joy I feel from the top of my  head to the bottom of my feet is indescribable! This was a very GOOD day :)

   

The next Day Evan had to report to drill. I enjoyed being able to see him all dressed up in his aircrew uniform. This was the first time he was going to be on the aircraft to practice take offs and landings. I'm so proud of my kids! They are good, decent and honorable human beings. Yesterday, Evan found out from his base that budget was approved and he'll be off to Texas for 2 weeks of additional training. He is trying to get into active, but the NAVY moves so slowly and its all up to the budget. The government continues to push/pull and he does not have an answer yet. However, with this school approval it is looking better and better for him to be active by January. This is his wish. 

I found an apartment finally! I have been looking all over and for one reason or another it didn't work out. Some of them said no pets, some were too 'big', some were too far away. But this one seems to be a great match. The apartment won't be available until Oct 23, but its a great unit so close to shopping, dining and everything. The apartment complex love pets, the parking is close to the door, I can have my windows open at night without people walking past, and its 6 3/4 miles from mom and dads. This means, if needed in an emergency I can be at Moms within 12 to 15 minutes. My plan is to be with mom and dad every day from 9 or 10 AM to 5 or 6 PM. This will allow me to shuttle mom around, help mom with chores, help mom with Dad should he fall or need it, take them both to Dr. appointments, and just generally keep them company. I plan on working an arrangement out with my sister to come be with mom every other Saturday and my nephew to take one Saturday and my son Jason to take one Saturday. This way I will have my Saturdays to myself to do what is needed. Sundays I will be on call unless I'm out of town. I I am, I will have someone come and check on them a couple times during the day. I am still waiting for final approval of this place, but I really don't have a doubt I'll get approved. 

Here is the front door with the little patio to the right (love the blue!)

I signed up tax preparation classes with Jackson Hewit! I've worked at tax office for 10 years, running the front office, and not really preparing taxes with clients. I figured this will 1. Get me out of the house Tuesday and Thursday evenings for 12 weeks and 2. Give me something to fall back on for work in January. Janyce and I signed up together!!! I'm so excited to get out and be with Jan twice a week. I love my bff Jan and this will be just as good for her to get out of the house too. Jan and I have been friends since 1983 and we both have a grand daughter :) I begin class this Tuesday - on my birthday - so I am starting to study! I'm excited to be learning something that I think I will be very comfortable doing. 

Well, this is my 2 week wrap up with me living in So Cal! 

Plans for the next 2 weeks:
Make breakfast burritos for all the kids tomorrow at Jason's

Begin school

Get confirmation for unemployment insurance and for the apartment

Travel to see another bff Jill and her wife Maryn in San Leandro Oct 5th

Will check in soon and please leave a comment if you'd like. 

I thought I had

I'll never ever understand what happened

Last Day at Work

I am loved here, I am appreciated, and I am accepted.
I may have a bad day, but I'm not judged.
I may say a joke they don't understand, but they laugh anyway.
They share with me, they listen to me, they let me be me.
If I'm quiet, its accepted.
If I'm going through medical issues, I'm given patience.
If I have family issues, they allow me to be moody.
I can gain or lose weight and it never changes how they think of me. My performance and what I do while here is all that matters.

Kinda like a perfect relationship, don'tcha think?!

One more wake up to my alarm

Sigh.
Endings which will bring me to another new beginning.
Why can't things just stay the same sometimes?
I guess because not everyone is like me, that's why.
People change.
Family dies.
Kids grow up.
Expectations crash.

Yahoo! and WenDee meet head-to-head tomorrow for the last time. I've been crying all week, I'm so fucking sick of crying. I seriously think crying is what makes me FAT :)

Songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNyRU0fKHAY

Sigh.

2 weeks from today

I will be driving away from Oregon. I picture myself doing this. I will look in the rear view mirror, a lot, and I know I will be sad.
Oregon will be my adopted home, not my home home, but my adopted home. This is where I know I will return one day. Plans on retiring in this perfect weather, gorgeous trees and slower lifestyle is where I must rest until my last days. My grand baby will be old enough to put on a plane by then to visit, along with her brother or sister. Evan will have children, and I will visit often! When they are of age, they also will fly to visit Grammy in that green place :)
I have 4 more work days after this. I'm starting to say my goodbyes and feel the end is so near. The ending to so much....to things I never wanted to ever end, but sadly, they have ended and continue to end. I have also fallen in love with my pretty apartment and hope to find one just as special in the Antelope Valley. Dexter and I will have our peace, within our new safe place, to push forward - believing that good things are here and will continue to come.
I love you.
me.

Three Weeks To Go

....and of course Oregon had to have amazingly PERFECT weather today! I call my kids and my mom and find out the temperature is a "normal" 104 today. yuck. But, so what. I will have AC in my place and in my car and its in all my friends and families houses! However, I'm hoping it will be the right type of inspiration to get me back onto a healthier eating schedule.
I was doing so well....then grief took over. Followed by shock, anger, and deep depression. This set me back with saying fuck it! I'm eating those chips, and those cookies, and that sandwich, that burger, those fries, ice cream...! Over my head, over the top, I can't seem to do anything in moderation.

I love too much
I miss too much
I scold myself too much
I eat too much

Cycles. I'm in another cycle. Cycles of life. Ups and downs. Right now getting back on track is all I can think of while closing this chapter in my life.

I have 8 more working days at Yahoo!
I have 19 more days before packing the truck
I have 20 more days before driving away from my dream life
I have 21 more days before I see my families faces - and hear them say: Welcome Home

Push on...don't look back without smiling and appreciating what was once so wonderful
We are all imperfect humans making imperfect decisions in an imperfect world
Some of us base our decisions on other people
Some of us get so confused as to where we are telling ourselves we should be
Some of us needs to be kinder to ourselves and carry on, moving ahead looking forward to the adventure that awaits.
This is going to be me! Not only do I deserve to treat myself kind, but I'm worth it. I'm a wonderful and caring woman who only wants to be a support to those I love. I am embraced by so much love of family and friends, constantly reminding me that my life has been not only a blessing to them and to others, but that I will find someone who is ready to share this world with me in an explosive powerful and loving way!

Now, to pack. To say goodbye. To wave to the blue/gray skies above and say:

Thank you Oregon. You were my home. You always will be my home in my heart.
Forever and ever, plus one more day.

*

Since Karla has died, so many things have gone to the wayside. My once sparkling clean empty breakfast nook now has piled up high papers and things not put away. My sink seen with only a glass or two now has dishes waiting to be cleaned. My once nearly always empty laundry basket is overflowing with both dirty and clean baskets of clothes ready to put away. My once daily made bed has covers askew. My once tidy apartment finds assorted 'things' here and there, not in their proper place. This is evidence of my how my brain is right now. My mind had just begun to accept all changes and become strong, tis now cluttered with reminders, memories and over flow items. Having one less sister, quitting my awesome job, moving away from the state I've fallen in love with, leaving new friends and co-workers who have stood so close by me, and knowing that the woman who I'm still madly in love with will no longer be near....its a lot. A tad overwhelming.

I've had to think through and push through changes recently so why am I a mess now?

My dream of a Hawaiian honeymoon vanished. My meadow where I met my soul to dance and play has shriveled up and died. Soft touches and skin to skin contact and meeting blue eyes....a thing of the past. Security, contentment, protection....gone. And now...I am shutting the door. No hopes for the window to be a jar.

So, I gather myself with a renewed sense of my normal - again - and re-discover my place. I am in control. I am in charge of my life. I always have been, just needed to remind my heart once more. The weeks will go forward and I will slowly pack up my Oregon into boxes. I will give away and sell away extra baggage that would weigh me down.

Live simply - Yet keep reminders of the wonderful years I have had. Onward and upward! (or downward you would say by moving south). But back to the love that has never left. A new life filled with new hopes and dreams and memories to be made.

Thank you God for showing me again my worth and your love.

Now onto cleaning this house 

Yahoo no mo :(

I have given my notice at work and my last day with Yahoo! will be Aug 31st. 
I will take care of my parents who need me, be with my grand daughter who will know me, live by my daughter in law and sons which will be a major blessing, hang out with my sister who've I've missed terribly, and return to long time friends who love and accept me. This doesn't discount the friends I've made in Oregon though. Some I feel are almost family and I will dearly miss them all. Thank goodness for Facebook because without that, I know I would feel extremely lonely.
I love Oregon - the weather and the beauty - and had planned to live out all of my days here. However, once the nest was disturbed there no longer was room for me and I had to fly. I've flown solo for many months and have learned my flight will go on most likely until my days on earth are over. But, I've grown strong enough now to move forward.

I understand that I am just someone of the past. Someone to 'get over'. I have no real importance in the life that was once my heart, my home, my soul connection. I get it. No need to bring in the mac truck. I will step aside so there are no reminders.

My Mother and Father (step) will now have my attention. My sons will now have my attention. My grand baby who I will hold and love and spoil! She will recognize me not just as Grammy in the box, but instead as the one who smiles at her and picks her up to hold her close.

I am scared. I am sad. I am excited.

But most of all, I am lonely and this must be remedied now, not waiting for any false hopes or sleeping beauties to miraculously appear before my tearful eyes.

I am Ready.

New Ends looking on to New Beginnings

Well, I made it through the camping trip! I don't mind telling you that I was highly nervous. Nervous on so many levels and for so many reasons.
This was my first 'all alone' trip...ever. I had to set up my own camp with tent, kitchen, fire, etc. I did an amazing job. The tent gave me a small panic attack because the poles wouldn't stay put at first, but I just kept going after each one until finally it fell into place. So much so that when my camp neighbor drove up and was trying to set up her tent alone (realizing she was indeed alone with no other camp site members yet) I was confidant to walk over and give her a hand. I can't tell you how good that made me feel! My entire life has been all about helping people. The last several years I've not been able to help as I intended or wanted and I am now learning my passion, my early sense of joy, is reaching out and being a spirit to help others. This is where my life MUST head from this point on. To be a positive role in whomever's life, in whatever way I can.
So, camping. I couldn't have done it without Nan and Carmen. They were super amazing and supportive. When I fell at one point, they were both there to lift me up, physically and mentally. I participated in the events and felt good about my endeavors. I played bocce ball in the high heat but pushed on and had a blast! I walked over to other camp sites and made the ladies laugh and smile. I pat every dog and looked into their eyes and found such sweet love. I exchanged emails and Facebook information and will look forward to having these friendships grow.
My T Time...was a HUGE hit, again! These ladies just loved coming over to the bar and placing their orders! Personally, I think I'm a fabulous bar tender,  :) I used 50 shot glasses, and I know some of them were re-used by others. I don't think anyone got drunk, but they sure were happy campers.
My Oregon chapter is closing .. I feel it. I also know that I will be back. This is where I want to retire, where I want to complete my life before it ends. I do not know how, with who, when or where but what I am sure about is the Oregon weather and beauty is where I want to lay my head before I take my last breath.
So I go to California to be a dutiful daughter, mother, grand mother, sister and friend. I'm needed there, I am not needed or wanted in Oregon right now. I have been pushed out of the nest and I'm flying in my next stage of life. Just as the swallow returns to her Capistrano, I will return to my soul spot, the great upper north west of OR. But for now I will grow in my next phase of life, alone at first but not for long. This camping trip re-enforced my passion to be with a partner. My thrill to see her laugh, to bring her a treat, to walk hand in hand and experience new things together, to dream, to love, to not be alone at night resonated loudly that I was never meant to live my life as a single woman - but rather side by side with someone who appreciates me, loves me completely, sees me as first priority and not in line after any other and who thrills at my existence just as I will do with her. One who has great love of her family and welcomes mine into her life as her own, and who will want to help me grow, just as she will allow me to help her grow.

She is out there.
I do not know her name or what she looks like, but she is waiting for me.
She is patiently allowing this time to pass until we meet.

I'm coming sweet princess....I'll be there soon.

Why?!?

Karla why did this happen?
Did you take your life away from us?
From your mother who has suffered so much loss?
From your son who misses you so deeply?
Your friends and family who loved you and are hurting so badly?
You left ME!
How could you have done this?
If you decided it was too much, well thats fucked up!
We all have our shit. We all go through pains. We all have to LIVE and move forward.
If you took your own life, then I am so angry with you right now.
I love you, but gawd I'M PISSED OFF

HBDH

YATLOML