The night before the move

I'm feeling very emotional tonight. I've cried off/on all day. My mind is filled, no overfilled, with what I need to do. Tomorrow I move my things into my apartment. Yes I know I have the brawn and it will get done, but all the things surrounding this move are according to my plans. I am in charge and quite honestly I'm pissed that I have to rely only on me. Sure, I'll feel opposite when its done as it will most likely go well...but now, tonight, I am worrying about the apartment being ready, the truck rental going off without a hitch, my boys and my nephew up to doing all this packing the truck and unloading the truck, having to bring mom back and forth to co sign the lease, the dog going to the kennel for 2 days and nights, having to pick up a fridge on the opposite side of town that I bought......and I know I'm missing a lot more.

I've been crying since I dropped off the remainder of Karla's clothes to charity. This wasn't fair! She should be ALIVE goddamnit! The emptiness our family feels is so real and so huge that it is felt everyday by each one of us. I want my TWO sisters to be happy for me and to be here for me right now. I really need them BOTH!

I miss my friends - I miss my Mike Swift so much. He was my rock, my confidant, my brother, my buddy who always checked on me and surprised me with his smiles and his wit. Last time I did this moving thing he was there, both for packing up my things for my last Hillsboro Apartment and for packing it back up to move to So Cal. He is GREATLY missed and I'm crying over that. I miss seeing Ashley and getting her hugs and seeing her beautiful smile and missing out on her life. I miss my job that I dearly loved and found so much contentment and security. I miss my happy boat, my meetup girls, my beautiful OR weather and mountains, my coffee shops on every corner, my life.

Now, I begin - FUCKING AGAIN - with a new chapter. I need to keep being the Wen that I've been since I moved. The positive happy one. The one who is grateful for my life, my kids, my grand daughter, my mother and all of my family here close to me. The one who will now cook her healthy meals again, ride her bike, do her zumba and get healthy! The one who forces herself to not look back because every time I do it pains me too deeply. 

WenDee will transform, once again, into a shining light and will enjoy new found love  - live again - and keep laughing! 

Watch out Lancaster, I am here and I need you all to wrap your arms around my heart accepting and embracing me. I will stay, and I will be me :)