Where has all the time gone?!

WoW...two months, really? I've not been here for two months!
Time has flown, it's been really so busy...so full...so exciting and yet much stress.
AV Pride 2014 came (last Sat 5/31) and went but not without much fanfare. The weeks building up to this cities most anticipated LGBTQ day was filled with busy days and busy nights. The last minute planning, last minute changes, last minute driving to pick up banners and supplies, last minute 'pick up the pieces to those who flaked', and last minute excitement! The day came and went....but not without a plethora of crazy. I'm so glad I had my Nikki at my side, or the day would have gone down as one of the worst. But, with her at my side we smiled and even enjoyed meeting people and going to the comedy show and ending the night with the main stage seeing Alaska Thunderfuck!
Yes...my Nik. We found each other in March and we are inseparable now. She is a breath of fresh air, a light to the darkness, a help to my outstretched hand, my shoulder, my reason to laugh, my appreciation of rising each day, and my comfort at night. The best thing about Nikki....is this is what I am to her. Yes, we found each other....that is the best way to describe us. We were both ready, had both been through being used and lied to, and neither of us were 'looking' for the right person, when suddenly....we bumped into each other and a familiar yet new connection took place in our hearts. The spark and the instant knowing that we were supposed to be together happened. There was no doubt that the Universe placed us at the perfect time for the perfect meeting of two imperfect souls. And....we are so incredibly happy. The future became immediately clearer and I can't wait for our tomorrows and what it will bring with my amazing and adorable Nik! Love. I am in Love. And.....it is spectacular! :)

Smiles

From lies to love, from secrets to honesty, from red flags to fireworks.
The universe has blessed me
I'm ready for the next scene sir...ready to take center stage
Here I will live and love and laugh
Improvisation and ad-libing as we go
Rules are gone and possibilities are endless
Breathe. Enjoy family. Enjoy being cherished.
I am deserving of the moment

PDX

Oh how bittersweet this time it will be to fly into PDX. Honestly, not sure how I feel about this trip. Yes, seeing Evan and Rebecca will be great. The wedding I'm sure will be a lot of fun and very exciting. However, There were so many things I had planned and wanted to do for this trip that are just not going to be happening. Instead of sharing my time, I will be alone and discover downtown. I will walk those streets. Stop at the starbucks at the square. Watch the max come and go and probably sit and just stare. Stare at the big block that once held my laughs and my joy. Those times we were crossing over that square at night. Those times at the farmers market picking out berries. Seeing sand castles and flowers spread to walk around. Music played festivals filled.
Ah PDX...I'll be back soon and not have these wrenching memories.
That will be the day.
The day that I will celebrate in so many ways.
Until then, carry on.

Love vs Infatuation

Infatuation is instant desire,
one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows,
one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.
You are excited and eager,
but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts,
unanswered questions,
little bits and pieces about your beloved
that you would just as soon examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet
understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real.
It gives you strength and grows beyond you,
to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by her presence,
even when she is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You want her near.

But near or far, you know she is yours and you can wait. 

Infatuation says,
"We must get married right away.
I can't risk losing her."
Love says, "Be patient.
She is yours. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.
Whenever you are in one another's company
you are hoping it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence.
When she's away, you wonder if she's cheating.
Sometimes you check.
Love means trust.
You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
She feels your trust and it makes
her even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later,
but Love never will.
Love lifts you up.
It makes you look up.
It makes you think up.
It makes you a better person than you were before.

Day Number 1

Again :)

Aren't we all just really living our lives with starting over again? I know I have...in my mind, in my heart, in my body, in my house, in my job, in my choices...in my life.

I've been too sick, for too long, and I need today to be No. 1 on the road to recovery. Not just with my lungs and with my spirit, but feeling 'alive'. I've felt close to being a non living human being and I don't want that. I have no choice to live or die, I know only God will decide that for me. I know this, I've always known this, but I remind myself again of this.

I do not know where the new road will lead, I only know that I am on it and I just have to step one foot at a time. Where it leads I will only know once I've gone some distance and turn my head over my shoulder to really look at the path I just completed.

There is living to do, people to love, family to care for, spirits to lift, and weak ones to support.

Lord help me, this is going to be something! But I know it won't be worse then what I've gone through and that I will be happy with where I'm going :)

Now, I need to clean out this place and get rid of crap. Things that weigh me down. Clothes I will never wear, gadgets I'll never use, boxes of things that will never be displayed again. Yes yes yes...I will not tackle it all at once, but it is in my short term plans. By July 1st this place will feel lighter and I will be healthier - mostly in my spirit and in my soul - and I will grab those rings that are set before me! I will have some direction and make important decisions. Say it. Repeat it. Live it. BELIEVE IT

Can't people hear me scream? I know it is only internal, but seriously, don't people see me?
I'm dying inside, no, I've already died inside.
There is nothing left of me and I don't want to wake up and try to go through the days only to try to sleep at night and forget my existence
I want this to be over
Two years of death. Two years of constant reminders. Two years of a virtual downward spiral. I'm on the floor, i'm dead but still taking in oxygen. How do I fix that? How do I end this nightmare? I cannot go on. The knife is a continual stab to my heart.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody hears me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
God, PLEASE, Please take me.

A continuum

Valentines Day - 2014

What does this day mean? Why do we celebrate such an event with more candy giving, more money spent on ugly stuffed animals, flowers that die and elaborate dinners with gorging of drink and dessert .. Pink and Reds everywhere, with glitter that sticks to all surfaces and poems that mean nothing

Well, without having a sweetheart, I can tell you why.

Because it is the idea. The idea of love and that you matter and that you are special and deserving. You are praised and cherished and adored and worth 'every penny' and then some. You are held in high regard and told you are important and freely given smiles and warmth and hugs and ..... love

I started yesterday with praising me. I began a dance with WenDee. I was kind and gentle and loving and full of praise. I was patient with her and held her and yes, treated her just as a princess should be treated. I smiled at her reflection and soothed her skin after her cry...bathing in bath beads kept for only those special occasion. It was a special occasion, it was honoring me. The me that is so deserving.

This Valentines day I woke in a haste, for I had not slept long. Remembering the very late night which was a short time ago and how the eve flowed into the early morning hour....the crying....the holding....the words the time spent. And just like the day before, I freely gave to myself in a caring manner, primping and honoring me. Today was my day, it belonged to no one else.

In the morning as I went to work, I walked through the rows and rows of beautiful flowers. Roses and carnations and daisy's and hibiscus. The reds and yellows and oranges and pinks...soft pinks, bold pinks, bright pinks. Yes, pink is my color. I gathered the group as it called out to me and put them into the vase which sat proudly on my desk. Throughout the day every time I looked over I was reminded how special and important I was - to myself. To my inner being. To my God. To my younger being. There nestled close to that vase was a heart shaped pink box filed with chocolate delights. Purchased for one person, thoughts of only her. They were meant to sit in memory of the sweet tastes of life that I have lived. Every chocolate to me represented a year. Happy years, sad years, growing years, loving years. I gave thought through the day of where my life is now, how I got here, and where I want to go. What is my passion now, who matters to me and who will be allowed to have a part of me - even if only in friendship. I have a right to decide if I shall allow them in; bringing them to the place that reveals Me. I will protect that spot, She deserves the scrutiny of the selection of whom is allowed.

The day ending perfect with my little family of my son and daughter in law and granddaughter. This perfect set of 4, so much love, lots of giggles, joy over flowing.

This is life. My life. Life as it is today.

I will choose every day how life will be lived - it is up to me and no one can take that from me.

Goodnight

She let go

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

I'm too tired to keep trying. Too tired to search for rainbows.

There are no more treasures left to be found in my universe.

I am empty and lost and sick of what is called my existence now. 

Here is my towel, tossed into the ring.

Find me dear Lord and help me up closer to you.

Lead me to your place.

I don't want to be here anymore. 

You find answers hidden in everything
sometimes they are not in bold writing
but they really are there .. you just have to
look closely and you will see.

You'll find that
words are just tossed about
promises made
intentions discussed
sweet sugary sounds
fail

Memory Reflection

The scent of her perfume called to me, asking for a spray which was added to each wrist. After a brief moment that familiar aroma surrounded me with memories that flooded like an avalanche of water after a sudden storm.

I applied her lotion to my arms, remembering the silky smooth skin that once was touched so lightly against my own body. The feeling like a pillow, soft and fresh, warm and loving.

Her picture nearby caught my eye, the smile she had so bright and wide. The day it was taken was such a wonderful event, one that I shall never forget. Her laughter still fills my ears. 

These memories do not haunt, for they were genuine and spirited, of times that were filled with love and happiness. 

After time has passed - one can look back with loving times and appreciate what was happy and good. Reflections of all senses.....Seeing.....Hearing.....Touching.....Smelling.....and yes, even Tasting.

Time moves forward, growth set in, the mind that realized what the heart never wanted to hear.

Memory Reflected off surrounding thoughts. 

It's a good day. 

12/31/2013

The date 12 31 13 is an interesting number to me. I'm a numbers person and I believe there is some sort of significance in numbers. Anyway, here it is the last day of 2013. I've wished for this year to be over for a long time, but in reality what am I thinking will happen so magically in 2014 that didn't happen this year? If I am lucky to still be around in 2014 I want to....

Be aware of who I am and where I've come from. I have been blessed this year with growing into the person I am today. Do I wish I had made better choices? YES! However, I've learned. I've gone beyond what I wanted or thought I could do and taken chances that I was uncomfortable doing alone, and true - the world did not come to an end by doing so.

Hold my tongue, well...watch closely the words that exit my mouth. I speak too quick, I say words that don't match my thoughts, I am quick to be insecure and pouty. Think of the people that hear my words. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 first! I never EVER want people offended by my words (unless they mess with me then its all on!). But I want people to feel cared for, loved, and respected.

Make better choices of what I eat, when I eat, why I eat. For those that know me well, know this has been a lifetime issue and you know that I've taken drastic steps to help me in this battle. It is an ongoing battle, but one that I know is possible to be kept at bay. It's one day at a time, and because there might be slips doesn't mean the end of the war. Putting this out into the Universe I believe will help keep me accountable to myself, to my God, and to my heart.

Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better Aunt,  a better employee, a better mother and a better Grammy. I know I'm pretty good at these things, but there is always room for improvement. To be fair, those in my life have been very good to me and with me and I am so incredibly thankful and feel blessed. My motto has always been to be 'kind' even when I think I'm right.

Be patient. Thinking that at my age I'm too old for things that I feel I want or need, but being patient is a must when I've tried my best to be where I want to be and have what I desire to have now. All things comes at the right time.

Now the hardest of all is for me to extend my boundaries. Step outside of my comfort zone and reach for the stars that I long to live among. Just do it. Take a chance and grab hold of what might seem too far from my grasp.

These are not resolutions but instead suggestions I am making for myself. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, for as we all know life has a way of throwing curve balls. I wish to learn to duck, to keep walking on the path, to tackle the journey and just realize: When something goes wrong in your life, just yell PLOT TWIST!

Happy New Year and may 2014 treat you kind and bring you Joy <3 p="">

3 days left, thank God its almost over!

All the Christmas celebrations are over, thank you baby Jesus! Had 4 different gatherings. Don't get me wrong, loved them all. Just glad that the hoopla is done because serious life has to move forward. Or lets just say life goes on no matter what.
What will 2014 bring? It already feels like it will be a repeat of 2013, unless I do something extreme and drastic to change it. I've already made a promise to myself. If anyone knows me, they know I won't promise unless I mean it. So, lets hope that the new year will not be anything like this year - that miracles will happen and life will go on with some meaning, not just empty days one after another after another........

3 days left to shake off this fucked up year
3 days left to put my plan into action
3 days left util hopefully some damn light appears at the beginning of a tunnel I can walk through

the day before the day before christmas

I've often said and heard said in many poems; You can be lonely in a room full of people. This feeling is always with me. It doesn't matter where I am, who is in the room, what I'm doing or where I walk....I'm always alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.

I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.

I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.

Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.

I remember

I notice the clothes piling high on the laundry basket so I begin to sort. Dark clothes here, light clothes there, and linens.....there among the kitchen dishtowels are those bath towels. I pink up that large pink bath towel and suddenly I'm enveloped within its soft cloth. Closing my eyes I remember. Just a few days ago these threads were wrapped around her body. I see her smile as she steps out of the bath and the twinkle in her eye. She loves her showers and I love seeing her so happy. The fresh scent mingles out into the room; a mixture of her soap and her cologne. I remember. Tonight I am sleeping with that pink cotton which has been refreshed with that aroma of musk and vanilla. I hope to sleep well tonight....as I remember.

whatever

Sometimes I get skeptical about the direction where my life is headed.
What if I don't get to meet the one person I am supposed to meet, if there is such a thing, because I am meeting all these other people instead, who are essentially unnecessary distractions from finding something significant and precious?
How could I even recognize that one person among all these others?
But then I think to myself, well, maybe I am supposed to meet all these people for some reason.
But Most people I meet make almost no difference in my life and give me nothing of value, they just take and take and take, and I am a giver and not a taker, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, maybe that's just my role and duty, which I regard as an honor on better days when I'm happier than today.
But usually nobody congratulates, applauds, or hugs you for that, and you wonder if it takes away from the value of your acts of kindness to stranger and friends that you wish that someone would.
You wish that someone would kiss your hand and say thank you...and you wish that you could stroke their hair and say it's ok....I've always wanted to do this for you.

Dear Karla....I miss you

one

How can passion come in longing words
that carry to a distant meadow
like the tree that bravely feels the wind
a flower soaking up the constant sun rays
a fish swimming up the stream
all pulls that guide and nurse the craving
for the touches of such ways are true
nourishment for their very core of being

lightning comes in splashes across the sky
if you blink you might miss the brilliance
and yet the thunder comes before the light
giving warning to what is next to come
I hear your heart and feel your power
and know that in the next moment
the brilliance will pour across my soul
and directly into my heart will I pound

There are but hours minutes and seconds
that make up the day that turn to weeks
and into months
but time is but a glimpse of waiting days
until such the moment is right
then the two become one and there is
no more waiting
all plans together make perfect sense
and the glory is found when the sky dances
with sparkling stars and a moon
smiling in wonderment of love

Mouthful of Forevers

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Somethings come over me....

...and at times I feel like a little kid, or at least a teenager.
I'm looking at wedding gowns, honeymoon spots, and bridal sets!
I know, its not serious.....not yet.....but truly somethings come over me and it feels amazing!

I want to sell everything I have, almost, and move. Being in Oregon this last time reminded me once again of my deep love of Oregon. I need to be there, to go camping, to the mountains, to the place that makes me so happy. Nestled on the floor with lots of pillows and a fluffy rug...fire glowing, and the old house creaks as the one walks across the floor boards nearing me.

Again I'm needing to gather my patience and wait. I know the time is much closer than what I once thought. I know that some in my family will not understand how can I pull myself away from family, especially now. But hopefully they will come to realize that its just in me to be there - to take my last breath with the fresh memory of that magnificent sky line and the glorious snow capped Mt Hood. Time is not on my side, but I will ride it out as long as I can.

I'll be back.....my heart home