Happy Birthday Wen

They say its your birthday.....gonna have a good time

I'm now age 52 and living at my parents home...wha?? huh??
Well, I am for 'now'
The loss of my long term partnership and then my sister dying has brought me home to where I am. But, I'm OK with being back in So Cal because of the wonderful friends and the family that I have left are here.

Well, all but my biological father. Did I mention that this asshole who I've bent over backwards to reach out to since Karla died hasn't emailed me, called me, of sent me a card or letter? Yes. Such a fucking prick. He's incapable of showing love or responding in a human manner or to suck it up with your stupid Norwegian pride and reach out to your daughter who you've fucked over since May 2, 2010.
Today I was excited (for some odd reason) to got the mail. I thought for sure after all my attempts I would get a card from him. Nope.
FUCK YOU ROBERT AMUNDSON. I am not your daughter any longer. I don't give a shit if you are an old man. Not too old to call my last living sibling. Not too old to care about her, her husband and her family. Me? My family? They are DEAD to you. You fucking go on cruises, out to eat, visit friends, go shopping, do yard work, have parties....you are not too old to fucking type two lines in an email, at the least. And, you are not too old to put a stamp on a purchased card, even if you only sign it: Love Dad. Are you too old to realize what you've done to this daughter who is still alive? Who you screwed over as a child, then a teen and into adult hood?
Is WenDee ever gonna give up or give it a rest - knowing what she had in her biological parents - and the fact that it was what it was?

I don't think so. My mother made a ton of mistakes, but she owned up to them. She asked for forgiveness. She reached to me in countless ways to encourage me, to love me, to accept me, to show me that she was only human but took responsibility for her mistakes as a mother. This is called forgiveness.

I will push on, I have no choice and I cannot let him continue to push me down in my life. Look, age 52 and still concerned about her "Daddy" and how he feels about her? I am DONE. I am walking away from HIM.


*update 3:00 PM*

So, he called me. "got your birthday card today, sorry i didn't get yours in the mail yet. i'll mail it tomorrow. i didn't have your mothers address. i've been busy with this friend, and doing that with my wife, and gee, um, so look for my card in the mail soon. ok, don't want to use up your cell phone minutes so i'll say goodbye. bye."

click

what the fuck ever. please, don't bother. i really don't want a birthday card 5 days late and only sent because of some guilt factor you had because i happen to have sent you an early birthday card. gee. wonder if you hadn't gotten my birthday card until sept 30th when it was your birthday. would you have called me then? would you have 'forgotten' to have sent out a card? would you have pretended to have cared?
no
no
no

I am walking away from that which has caused me pain
I need to separate myself with those who have done me wrong
I have forgiven, I cannot forget, and the hurt is reopened every time I give it my attention in my mind
People can be fucking mean and cruel.
People are hurting and they hurt others, but I have the choice to not be in their hurting path

I can't do this alone, I am well aware.

Today its my birthday ... I have the next year to accomplish much. To those who have done me wrong, watch out. Karma is a fucking bitch and so am I.

From Oregon to So California - The first 2 weeks

Driving away from Oregon was harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I knew I'd have some deep emotions, however I was genuinely sad and depressed for the first few hours of my drive. I really never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be moving away from Oregon - certainly never alone at least. But, I was and as I got closer to the border, I realized that nothing mattered as far as the reason I was leaving but what mattered is what lies ahead for me.

I realized that what is in my future, what is in store for me,

is an adventure that will be embraced and not just allowed to 'happen' as I have been doing with living my life since last January. I new zest for living and for being the best WenDee I could be to all those that I meet from here on. New things are coming my way! 

When I drove up to my mothers house, there was my sister Paula, her husband Henry, my sons Evan and Jason along with daughter in law Jennifer and grand baby Jordynn and my Mom - all with big smiles and a large welcome home sign strewn on the garage! I was smiling from ear to ear. Here they were, arms wide open, ready to love and to laugh with me again. Back Home. 

I now have a responsibility to take care of my mother and my California Dad, Wes, who I refer to as 'Dad'. He is now 92 and extremely frail. My mother at 82 can't do this alone. She does not drive and she has been trying to do it all alone since my sister Karla died. Its exhausting to care for your loved one. Also, I see my mothers eyes with the realization that her life is also coming to a halt. No more weekend get away's with her husband, no more out to dinners to dine for two, no more walks in the sunshine or on a rainy day, nothing more than to enjoy each others company at the kitchen table during those times Dad is feeling up to sitting in the chair. She shows him so much love and gentle caring. Truly, it is an honor to watch my mother providing what she can to help Dad keep his dignity and to be there for him in whatever capacity she can.

My room at Moms is a one room studio :) I have most of my things in storage, a few things in moms garage, and then what I thought I'd need for 2 months in bags that are tucked away in my little room. So far, so good. 

I've been able to be of some help, and I am assessing what will need to be done once I move out (that won't be until Oct 23rd). For the first few days I laid low and visited mostly, as well as drove around Lancaster to see what has changed. Also, have enjoyed just dropping in on my grand daughter that is only 1 mile away from Mom's house! 

My sister Paula lives only 1 hour away in Simi Valley so I plan on being with her often! Thursday after I got here I drove to her place and stayed overnight. I brought Dexter too as she was so welcoming to let me bring my baby. Its sort of tough being homeless with a small dog in this 100 degree plus heat! I can't keep him in the car, even for 5 minute run into the store stops. So, I'm limited with what I can do and when. Mom and Dad have been amazing and gracious while I'm here to let Dex hang out at the house. Mom has NEVER EVER had an animal inside her house other than birds in a cage. Dexter has been a perfect little dog, no barking, no accidents (knock wood!) and no running around. Its almost as if he knows that these are elderly people that he has to be gentle and quiet around, not to mention to get out of the way when Wes is trying to walk. Here is Dexter's place on my little twin bed: 

Staying overnight at my sisters, allowed me to be there Friday when Evan had the day off. We had the best day visiting his NAVAL Base at Pt Mugu. He showed me all around where he goes for training, the NEX, the aircraft he would be going out on the next day and the beach off the base. We walked into the water, it was so refreshing! Not as cold as the Oregon coast, and so pretty. Dexter loved running on the sand and Evan and I enjoyed our walk and taking pictures. I really cannot convey how happy I am when I'm with either of my sons. The joy I feel from the top of my  head to the bottom of my feet is indescribable! This was a very GOOD day :)

   

The next Day Evan had to report to drill. I enjoyed being able to see him all dressed up in his aircrew uniform. This was the first time he was going to be on the aircraft to practice take offs and landings. I'm so proud of my kids! They are good, decent and honorable human beings. Yesterday, Evan found out from his base that budget was approved and he'll be off to Texas for 2 weeks of additional training. He is trying to get into active, but the NAVY moves so slowly and its all up to the budget. The government continues to push/pull and he does not have an answer yet. However, with this school approval it is looking better and better for him to be active by January. This is his wish. 

I found an apartment finally! I have been looking all over and for one reason or another it didn't work out. Some of them said no pets, some were too 'big', some were too far away. But this one seems to be a great match. The apartment won't be available until Oct 23, but its a great unit so close to shopping, dining and everything. The apartment complex love pets, the parking is close to the door, I can have my windows open at night without people walking past, and its 6 3/4 miles from mom and dads. This means, if needed in an emergency I can be at Moms within 12 to 15 minutes. My plan is to be with mom and dad every day from 9 or 10 AM to 5 or 6 PM. This will allow me to shuttle mom around, help mom with chores, help mom with Dad should he fall or need it, take them both to Dr. appointments, and just generally keep them company. I plan on working an arrangement out with my sister to come be with mom every other Saturday and my nephew to take one Saturday and my son Jason to take one Saturday. This way I will have my Saturdays to myself to do what is needed. Sundays I will be on call unless I'm out of town. I I am, I will have someone come and check on them a couple times during the day. I am still waiting for final approval of this place, but I really don't have a doubt I'll get approved. 

Here is the front door with the little patio to the right (love the blue!)

I signed up tax preparation classes with Jackson Hewit! I've worked at tax office for 10 years, running the front office, and not really preparing taxes with clients. I figured this will 1. Get me out of the house Tuesday and Thursday evenings for 12 weeks and 2. Give me something to fall back on for work in January. Janyce and I signed up together!!! I'm so excited to get out and be with Jan twice a week. I love my bff Jan and this will be just as good for her to get out of the house too. Jan and I have been friends since 1983 and we both have a grand daughter :) I begin class this Tuesday - on my birthday - so I am starting to study! I'm excited to be learning something that I think I will be very comfortable doing. 

Well, this is my 2 week wrap up with me living in So Cal! 

Plans for the next 2 weeks:
Make breakfast burritos for all the kids tomorrow at Jason's

Begin school

Get confirmation for unemployment insurance and for the apartment

Travel to see another bff Jill and her wife Maryn in San Leandro Oct 5th

Will check in soon and please leave a comment if you'd like. 

I thought I had

I'll never ever understand what happened

Last Day at Work

I am loved here, I am appreciated, and I am accepted.
I may have a bad day, but I'm not judged.
I may say a joke they don't understand, but they laugh anyway.
They share with me, they listen to me, they let me be me.
If I'm quiet, its accepted.
If I'm going through medical issues, I'm given patience.
If I have family issues, they allow me to be moody.
I can gain or lose weight and it never changes how they think of me. My performance and what I do while here is all that matters.

Kinda like a perfect relationship, don'tcha think?!

One more wake up to my alarm

Sigh.
Endings which will bring me to another new beginning.
Why can't things just stay the same sometimes?
I guess because not everyone is like me, that's why.
People change.
Family dies.
Kids grow up.
Expectations crash.

Yahoo! and WenDee meet head-to-head tomorrow for the last time. I've been crying all week, I'm so fucking sick of crying. I seriously think crying is what makes me FAT :)

Songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNyRU0fKHAY

Sigh.

2 weeks from today

I will be driving away from Oregon. I picture myself doing this. I will look in the rear view mirror, a lot, and I know I will be sad.
Oregon will be my adopted home, not my home home, but my adopted home. This is where I know I will return one day. Plans on retiring in this perfect weather, gorgeous trees and slower lifestyle is where I must rest until my last days. My grand baby will be old enough to put on a plane by then to visit, along with her brother or sister. Evan will have children, and I will visit often! When they are of age, they also will fly to visit Grammy in that green place :)
I have 4 more work days after this. I'm starting to say my goodbyes and feel the end is so near. The ending to so much....to things I never wanted to ever end, but sadly, they have ended and continue to end. I have also fallen in love with my pretty apartment and hope to find one just as special in the Antelope Valley. Dexter and I will have our peace, within our new safe place, to push forward - believing that good things are here and will continue to come.
I love you.
me.

Three Weeks To Go

....and of course Oregon had to have amazingly PERFECT weather today! I call my kids and my mom and find out the temperature is a "normal" 104 today. yuck. But, so what. I will have AC in my place and in my car and its in all my friends and families houses! However, I'm hoping it will be the right type of inspiration to get me back onto a healthier eating schedule.
I was doing so well....then grief took over. Followed by shock, anger, and deep depression. This set me back with saying fuck it! I'm eating those chips, and those cookies, and that sandwich, that burger, those fries, ice cream...! Over my head, over the top, I can't seem to do anything in moderation.

I love too much
I miss too much
I scold myself too much
I eat too much

Cycles. I'm in another cycle. Cycles of life. Ups and downs. Right now getting back on track is all I can think of while closing this chapter in my life.

I have 8 more working days at Yahoo!
I have 19 more days before packing the truck
I have 20 more days before driving away from my dream life
I have 21 more days before I see my families faces - and hear them say: Welcome Home

Push on...don't look back without smiling and appreciating what was once so wonderful
We are all imperfect humans making imperfect decisions in an imperfect world
Some of us base our decisions on other people
Some of us get so confused as to where we are telling ourselves we should be
Some of us needs to be kinder to ourselves and carry on, moving ahead looking forward to the adventure that awaits.
This is going to be me! Not only do I deserve to treat myself kind, but I'm worth it. I'm a wonderful and caring woman who only wants to be a support to those I love. I am embraced by so much love of family and friends, constantly reminding me that my life has been not only a blessing to them and to others, but that I will find someone who is ready to share this world with me in an explosive powerful and loving way!

Now, to pack. To say goodbye. To wave to the blue/gray skies above and say:

Thank you Oregon. You were my home. You always will be my home in my heart.
Forever and ever, plus one more day.

*

Since Karla has died, so many things have gone to the wayside. My once sparkling clean empty breakfast nook now has piled up high papers and things not put away. My sink seen with only a glass or two now has dishes waiting to be cleaned. My once nearly always empty laundry basket is overflowing with both dirty and clean baskets of clothes ready to put away. My once daily made bed has covers askew. My once tidy apartment finds assorted 'things' here and there, not in their proper place. This is evidence of my how my brain is right now. My mind had just begun to accept all changes and become strong, tis now cluttered with reminders, memories and over flow items. Having one less sister, quitting my awesome job, moving away from the state I've fallen in love with, leaving new friends and co-workers who have stood so close by me, and knowing that the woman who I'm still madly in love with will no longer be near....its a lot. A tad overwhelming.

I've had to think through and push through changes recently so why am I a mess now?

My dream of a Hawaiian honeymoon vanished. My meadow where I met my soul to dance and play has shriveled up and died. Soft touches and skin to skin contact and meeting blue eyes....a thing of the past. Security, contentment, protection....gone. And now...I am shutting the door. No hopes for the window to be a jar.

So, I gather myself with a renewed sense of my normal - again - and re-discover my place. I am in control. I am in charge of my life. I always have been, just needed to remind my heart once more. The weeks will go forward and I will slowly pack up my Oregon into boxes. I will give away and sell away extra baggage that would weigh me down.

Live simply - Yet keep reminders of the wonderful years I have had. Onward and upward! (or downward you would say by moving south). But back to the love that has never left. A new life filled with new hopes and dreams and memories to be made.

Thank you God for showing me again my worth and your love.

Now onto cleaning this house 

Yahoo no mo :(

I have given my notice at work and my last day with Yahoo! will be Aug 31st. 
I will take care of my parents who need me, be with my grand daughter who will know me, live by my daughter in law and sons which will be a major blessing, hang out with my sister who've I've missed terribly, and return to long time friends who love and accept me. This doesn't discount the friends I've made in Oregon though. Some I feel are almost family and I will dearly miss them all. Thank goodness for Facebook because without that, I know I would feel extremely lonely.
I love Oregon - the weather and the beauty - and had planned to live out all of my days here. However, once the nest was disturbed there no longer was room for me and I had to fly. I've flown solo for many months and have learned my flight will go on most likely until my days on earth are over. But, I've grown strong enough now to move forward.

I understand that I am just someone of the past. Someone to 'get over'. I have no real importance in the life that was once my heart, my home, my soul connection. I get it. No need to bring in the mac truck. I will step aside so there are no reminders.

My Mother and Father (step) will now have my attention. My sons will now have my attention. My grand baby who I will hold and love and spoil! She will recognize me not just as Grammy in the box, but instead as the one who smiles at her and picks her up to hold her close.

I am scared. I am sad. I am excited.

But most of all, I am lonely and this must be remedied now, not waiting for any false hopes or sleeping beauties to miraculously appear before my tearful eyes.

I am Ready.

New Ends looking on to New Beginnings

Well, I made it through the camping trip! I don't mind telling you that I was highly nervous. Nervous on so many levels and for so many reasons.
This was my first 'all alone' trip...ever. I had to set up my own camp with tent, kitchen, fire, etc. I did an amazing job. The tent gave me a small panic attack because the poles wouldn't stay put at first, but I just kept going after each one until finally it fell into place. So much so that when my camp neighbor drove up and was trying to set up her tent alone (realizing she was indeed alone with no other camp site members yet) I was confidant to walk over and give her a hand. I can't tell you how good that made me feel! My entire life has been all about helping people. The last several years I've not been able to help as I intended or wanted and I am now learning my passion, my early sense of joy, is reaching out and being a spirit to help others. This is where my life MUST head from this point on. To be a positive role in whomever's life, in whatever way I can.
So, camping. I couldn't have done it without Nan and Carmen. They were super amazing and supportive. When I fell at one point, they were both there to lift me up, physically and mentally. I participated in the events and felt good about my endeavors. I played bocce ball in the high heat but pushed on and had a blast! I walked over to other camp sites and made the ladies laugh and smile. I pat every dog and looked into their eyes and found such sweet love. I exchanged emails and Facebook information and will look forward to having these friendships grow.
My T Time...was a HUGE hit, again! These ladies just loved coming over to the bar and placing their orders! Personally, I think I'm a fabulous bar tender,  :) I used 50 shot glasses, and I know some of them were re-used by others. I don't think anyone got drunk, but they sure were happy campers.
My Oregon chapter is closing .. I feel it. I also know that I will be back. This is where I want to retire, where I want to complete my life before it ends. I do not know how, with who, when or where but what I am sure about is the Oregon weather and beauty is where I want to lay my head before I take my last breath.
So I go to California to be a dutiful daughter, mother, grand mother, sister and friend. I'm needed there, I am not needed or wanted in Oregon right now. I have been pushed out of the nest and I'm flying in my next stage of life. Just as the swallow returns to her Capistrano, I will return to my soul spot, the great upper north west of OR. But for now I will grow in my next phase of life, alone at first but not for long. This camping trip re-enforced my passion to be with a partner. My thrill to see her laugh, to bring her a treat, to walk hand in hand and experience new things together, to dream, to love, to not be alone at night resonated loudly that I was never meant to live my life as a single woman - but rather side by side with someone who appreciates me, loves me completely, sees me as first priority and not in line after any other and who thrills at my existence just as I will do with her. One who has great love of her family and welcomes mine into her life as her own, and who will want to help me grow, just as she will allow me to help her grow.

She is out there.
I do not know her name or what she looks like, but she is waiting for me.
She is patiently allowing this time to pass until we meet.

I'm coming sweet princess....I'll be there soon.

Why?!?

Karla why did this happen?
Did you take your life away from us?
From your mother who has suffered so much loss?
From your son who misses you so deeply?
Your friends and family who loved you and are hurting so badly?
You left ME!
How could you have done this?
If you decided it was too much, well thats fucked up!
We all have our shit. We all go through pains. We all have to LIVE and move forward.
If you took your own life, then I am so angry with you right now.
I love you, but gawd I'M PISSED OFF

HBDH

YATLOML

4 weeks

Breathing. I'm concentrating on my breathing.
I am old (er) than many and I know I still have a lot to learn.
I really need to focus on the good, the now, the blessings that I have.
Wasting time on the negative and any wrongs has to be put in its place, the past. We cannot go back to change anything, we have to take the NOW and move forward so we can have a brighter future. I've learned this more the past 4 weeks since Karla has died. She had a life filled with so many ups and downs. She focused often on the sad, the past, the negative. I do not wish to live that way but instead be happy. To smile. To love. To help others. This is what brings me joy, when I am helping others. Life is short people, try to place aside anything that has brought you grief and sadness. 
I for one am so sorry to anyone that I might have hurt because of misplaced deep rooted pains. For lashing out, for not being kind when it would have been so much easier in the long run. This is my prayer. To let things go, to let any future stabs at me or my life to roll off and to take a higher road.

Places I will visit when I move back to So Cal

1. San Diego Zoo - in honor of my sister who wanted so badly to go with me Fall 2012
2. Las Vegas - with Janyce - and any other girlfriends who want to go and bust loose in sin city
3. Ventura Beach - to sit on the sand and contemplate where my life has been and is headed
4. Yosemite - booking a room in the lodge and going for hikes to the falls and bridges
5. Colorado - visit my cousin and friends
6. San Francisco - meeting Jill and Maryn's baby and reliving fun times on the wharf
7. Santa Cruz - hanging out with my way cool nephew and his girlfriend, eating organic food
8. Solvang - reminiscing of days gone by and creating new smiles and memories
9. Laughlin NV - sitting looking out onto the Colorado river and Lake Mead
10.Getting ready for my amazing Cruise in July 2013!

*sigh*

WenDee .....come sail away

I'm sailing away,
Set an open course for the virgin sea,
'Cause I've got to be free,
Free to face the life that's ahead of me,
On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard,
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore,
And I'll try, Oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

I look to the sea,
Reflections in the waves spark my memory,
Some happy, some sad,
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had,
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on the pot of gold
But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head,
They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said,
They said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me baby,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise,
We climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me...

Guess what?

Know what I dislike.....sneaky and dishonest behavior.
Suspicious behavior shows the true character of a person. Not being honest to themselves must be the hardest of all things for them, for they know when they are being deceptive.
I'm so incredibly glad that I am an open and honest person. I share my feelings to a fault and it sometimes comes back as a negative, however that is shortly lived. For I know when I lay my head down at night that I have treated all persons fairly, and in a loving and kind way. I've expressed my views to those, and they have rejected them to be honest, which falls on them and their conscious. They know. When I've stated something that makes them angry it is simply because they are hit between the eyes of the reality of their actions and that what is said, is the way it really is.
I'm very grateful for this gift. Thank you God for providing an honest spirit in me. Use me going forward to continue on this path and I know I will be rewarded. Now, where is my Princess charming dang it! I'm waiting! ;)

I miss you Karla

I waited for your instant message today. Looked at the clock and it said 3:40 and thought about you messaging me. Then, again, it hit me. You will never message me again. I need help to get out of this crap! Its so f'ing hard Karla. So fucking sad.

Hard to think

today its hard to think.
hard to put my mind into full gear.
what is wrong?
why can't I be on auto pilot and just take care of business?
isn't that how i normally function?
maybe its because i'm doing this alone.
maybe its because i have no one to spill out my concerns and voice my frustration.
why did this happen, now?
i'm not ready karla, i'm not ready for you to be gone.
you were such a huge help to me when i was afraid of being alone.
when i thought my world had folded up into me and i was falling deep into the crevices
you told me to give myself time, and i did.
then i got strong. i put everything into perspective and realized that no matter what had been done to me, i could carry on.
you told me i'd find someone who would love me without having to be perfect.
you told me that they are waiting for me now.
but, then you left me.
i was coming back home.
to make up for those years that i was gone living my dream life,
that turned into a nightmare.
i can't do alone karla and counted on you to be there for me.
today, its hard to think.