When a long term relationship ends, as was the case of my first marriage, the demands of life, personal growth, and differing paths can outweigh strong relationships. You can try and make the choice to stay with status quo. You can reach into your soul and have an inner battle of the pros vs the cons. You can even rationalize circumstances you know are true in your heart, yet making a decision to end things feels like it would end your existence. However you have to choose. You choose the pull and allow it to win. You know there will be many losses with your friend circles and for your family members. It is all so hard and so scary. Yet, you fall into the arms of someone who promises to catch you. To hold you and love you as you desire to be loved. To comfort you and be there for and with you always. They offer hope for you to feel safe and valued and wanted. What girl would say no. I leapt, I was caught, I thought we were the 'real deal' We were the couple that no one questioned was wrong. We showed deep caring and commitment. But, that day when they say I'm letting you go. I don't want to hold onto you even though we've been through so much. We loved so hard. We thought we would be forever.....This is how he must have felt. That his heart was literally being pulled from his body. The changes the emptiness the sadness, for he was still so much in love. Just as I was on that day I was let go.
I will forever know the pain I caused someone, for the pain I was given hurt deep and remained for many years that followed. I will never know what life 'would have been like' if I hadn't fallen and hurt my husband. The pain from both of these relationships ending is still very valid and lives within me today.
20 years has passed and I now know myself much more intimately. I know to listen to my inner struggles and communicate with my own self about where my feelings are coming from. What were/are my fears and how can I put them in the right perspective and take pause. I have learned in the past year how my words need to always be kind. To never intentionally or non-intentionally hurt. To not hope for someone to come and be my rescuer. I am my own rescuer and I am strong in my own space. That I will always have others who are the plus and who improve my own life.
There is a saying: "I wish I knew then what I know now". Now is my future 'then' so lets use each day to be better. Be wisely with your chosen words, give of your heart with no personal hopes of return, remember your worth, and Love Yourself - Every single Day.
