Covid round 3 - fucker!

I feel so alone. Today was so hard feeling sick with this fucking covid the 3rd damn time I’ve gotten it! My chest has been hurting and my fever returns. I’m using my inhaler now because my cough got so bad. I am scared to go to sleep but I’m so tired. This is the worst part of not having a person who cares, one who wants to care for you when you need it. I am tired of having so many things happen and I have to fight fight fight! Fight for myself by myself. Fight to be heard and fight to right the wrongs. And I know the wrongs will never be heard. There’s no correction. It all falls on me taking care of my own self. I’ve trusted so many in my life who turned on me. When I felt safe, the flood gates would open and hurt upon hurt would break me. I walk amongst the living as a broken being. One who’s attempted to seal the breaks with temporary invisible glue. It all eventually falls apart and I once again am not worth being put back together. One day the pieces will scatter and my soul will float away. And I will no longer simply be. And that is most likely the best gift I can give, to simply not ‘be’. Until then I fight. With each battle I fight. And when I get brave, I will move away. Reinvent myself. Back to Oregon? That’s a possibility. That PNW land was where the creation of my happy boat came to be. I was asked to jump and take a chance, that it was safe, that I would be caught and held and loved. But time and age ruined things. Menopause was brutal. Anxiety and depression roared. I learned later what had happened but too much happened and I had to leave. After 13 years I may go back. Just the thought has given me rest and softened my heart and chest. I think I can sleep now. Thank you for letting me speak and for listening 

Is he really gone?

My younger son disappeared. There was no amber alert or police report. No searches for my missing boy, nothing on the news and no posters hung with his photo. If I had and an award was offered, I can’t help to think that I would gladly offer all my money and possessions I had to get him back, just to have a place back into my son’s life. It has been 8 years almost to the day when I last spoke to my son. I never ever dreamed that he would’ve just walked out of my life. He was given everything any child would have desired. We weren’t rich but we had much love. He was in sports, had bikes, skateboards, video game systems. Camping trips, fishing and beach events, guitars, drums and a safe home. His father and I saw him thru boot camp then helped pay for his wedding. Then in 2016 he just left. I’ve had 8 years of the most extreme case of depression and anxiety. Wanted to end it all many times. I searched the background reports to see if he was still alive. In my online searches I discovered he moved to the opposite side of the US and bought a home. I’ve never sent a letter, a card or any gift there since after all my attempts of calling, texting, emails were never returned. Silence. Then when his email address came back closed I realized I lost him. He shut the door and I have no key to him or his life. He has an extremely manipulative wife, where there were obvious issues in her life so I try to pretend she is behind this all. He now has two children I’ve never seen. My grandson will be 8 in December (learned that he was born only by an accidental phone call he made, ending the call with I didn’t mean to call you - click). I learned thru an unexpected source that he had a daughter sometime around mid May to early June 2019. I know their names. My life line to my youngest boy was snuffed out. And I have holes in my heart and through my mind. I’ve read comments and posts about what we “should do”. For me even this long afterwards, I feel most of the time I’m just a being among the living. I have an amazing first born son, but he is married with demanding work and my precious 13 year old grandgirl. I do cherish every second when I’m with them. But just as a mother who loves her children the same, I’m missing my boy with a deep ache. For what we had. For the memories we shared. For all we’ve missed. Today like yesterday and most of the days before that, I still feel shattered and broken to my core. God didn’t take my boy home to Heaven. No, my boy simply removed himself from all that is me. As if I or his brother ever existed. I pretend that ‘one day’ the madness will end. I’ll hear his cries of I’m sorries.  I’ll once again see his beautiful big blue eyes. And I’ll hear his laugh and boy oh boy, I’ll see that smile! But now I’ve lost the tiny bit of hope. 8 years of nothing; no Mother’s Day cards or birthday phone call. No hugs or having a conversation over coffee. His beautiful singing voice is fading from my memory. Will tomorrow be the day I say enough? Or will I always have a speck of sand dust of hope? Tonight I’m just tired. Like I have been for 2,918 days 

Next -

Pardon me for a moment so I can share

The thing is, on this Eve of Christmas day, I find it almost humorous that this my most favorite holiday has been awful so many years. 

I’ve loved and enjoyed being with my family for our gatherings, these are my most favorite memories! So obviously I’m not talking about these times.

And this being such a holy and joyful time for the true meaning of CHRISTmas to me also does not take a part in my rant.

And I’m grateful! Grateful for amazing friends that are caring and loving and kind. Friends that go back to Jr High school and friends that knew me as a young mom, and friends I’ve spent some of the best times of my life with and new friends and work friends and those of you that just make me feel so great! 

But a common reason why my Christmas Eves and Christmas days are less then desired will be fixed soon. Things are changing to make that happen. Im so very hopeful for these changes as 2022 begins. 

And while this happens, im going to  remind everyone that sure, there are two sides to every story. Sometimes you also may come across a hurt person  hurting, who never felt the control they desired to run their own life with what they wished for, and who tried on their own but were not heard because there were no words to speak their truth due to fear of rejection. 

This person - if you only know me a little  will know - is certainly not me. I speak, no, I shout my life openly and cry loud and love hard. I’m not ashamed of who I love or how I love and I want to be that example so no, it’s not me I refer to here. 

So looking ahead I am excited to move. Thrilled to live alone. Ecstatic to grow in some ways, but in most ways to return to the true self before it’s too late. 

I’ve not been one to live a lie after 1998, so why have I been letting this go on? 

I’m gonna post but it will probably be gone tomorrow lol

PEOPLE, just love yourself enough to be strong in doing what is best for YOU. You can still be a caring and loving person, you can be that to yourself and your family and those you have no doubt love and care about you ❤️ 

Christmas  socks on the winter California grass, winter in the desert, family love and light, and the little Christmas  tree in my bathroom that has been an annual tradition since 1992. A gift from My beautiful sister Karla and her great idea lives on for nearly 30 years 🙂 

Peace

WenDee

Good vs Evil

I have my beliefs in my God which is a father figure of heavenly host. I accept the creation of the world as being of divine nature and that the man Jesus was born and lived on Earth performing miracles and having a connection to God unlike any other man (woman). Son of God - in my mind I look at Jesus as 'of God'. There are many parts of the Bible that make no sense, but of course they wouldn't since they were not only written at an age opposite of what we live in today but also fact that this original work - or the books of the bible - were changed with evolving interpretation, language and perspective. I'm not saying that I do not believe the bible is man made up stories or nonsense, however I'm not saying I can truly believe 100% that everything written in these books are God's words, or in no way can I profess to say I have a clue as to the mind of GOD. But then again, how do we know either? It is up to each one of us to realize our truth using our intelligence and looking at our own relationship with God and our common sense? It's not something I ever want to argue with another Christian about; as many I'm most sure would say I'm not a true 'believer' in Jesus Christ. Honestly, after living my 60 years I am at a point I don't care what anyone thinks. God only knows how much I've changed my thinking over the last 25 years alone! I do have to say, as of late, there is one frequent thought that finds me pondering and crying over so very often. Does your God - does MY God - get angry with me? Is he in fact a parental figure who is disappointed in what our lives are like? What we do and say? How we treat others? Where our thoughts are at? Is there a punishment enforced on us like a child being sent to their room for time out because of disobeying? Looking at this model as a mother, I can say I've been upset with my sons. I've thought they have made bad decisions. However I've never ever thought of removing myself from their lives. I've never thought that they have done something so wrong that I wanted to punish them harshly - shattering them - wishing for them to feel pain of loss or limb or any of their senses to be crippled for the remainder of their days on earth. 

But does God do this? to me? has he?

Mom had 4 kids, and one brother. Her oldest son died in a fire. Her brother fell off a wall on a cliff in Hawaii and died. Her one daughter lost her younger son, getting trapped in a flood and died tragically. This daughter also had fought mental illness her entire life and killed herself with alcohol and prescription meds. Her oldest daughter lived a life of never feeling she could do enough to please and in 2020 the love of her life, her husband, contracted the covid19 virus as was one of the first hospitalized patients in the San Fernando Valley. Being still so unsure how to treat these 'dying' patients they worked feverishly to save his life. Put into a coma for 3 months. Rehab for another 3 months. Sent home not able to walk, talk, life his left foot, use his hands much, and scared to death what had happened and what he would now have to face. Paula of course is his biggest fan and his 24/7 caretaker. Her life also, changed forever. Her other daughter, fighting depression her entire life and enduring many eating disorders, created a life of self doubt, self loathing, and a warped sense of distain and self consciousness. This daughter giving birth to a child needing multiple heart surgeries and procedures - leaving him to  grow up into a life with anxiety and panic attacks. This daughter also was faced with losing her a 2nd son, he did so voluntarily with completely walking away from all the family. Never hearing from him or letting me meet his children, my grandchildren. Never have I after I felt their soft hair, heard them laugh or held them close. 

Did God punish all of us? Or is this just life? One would wonder, wouldn't one. 

Today after living one year not mingling with friends, or going into the office to socialize with coworkers, or go to a movie or a shopping mall, its just a sad life. 

I have no partner. I did, I had two amazing ones (despite what ANYONE would say about that) before this last one that I choose to stay with - that which exploded into crazy in July 2019. Sure we share a house but not a life. We share the responsibility of maintaining a house, but not a home. When things 'open up' what do I do? Where do I go? I'm left with the burden of caring for my mother. YES, I love my mother, but at 90 she needs much. I have no other sibling to help. I have no kids who can or will help. I must be responsible and continue to care and see to her needs as long as she is still with us. How long will that go on? Will I then be able to have a life; will I travel and see the sights I crave to go see? Can I pick up and take off or must I remain in this shithole town they call Lancaster which is rampant with homelessness of the worst kind. The additions to drugs and alcohol are extreme. The housing the most expense in all the county. The oppression rages and theft, robbery, attacks, and murder increases. 

I work, remotely. I eat, too much. I look in my past, too often. I wish, all the time. I want, so much. 

God, what exactly could I have done to piss you off so extremely? What did my mother do, her mother do? Generational curses they say. What a bitch. I want to give up, all the time. I can't. I have one little redheaded granddaughter that loves me. For her, I have to still exist. THIS, is where my life is now, existing. I wish I knew where I could find me. Me has disappeared. Can I find me again, and if so, would you have an ounce of compassion to help me because I am so lost

Days of wonder to days of empty

When you first have children they talk about the challenges of parenting....the struggles of a baby waking in the night, 

the toddler who won’t stay in their bed, the cost of childcare, injuries from sports...

Having to take off work to pick them up from school when they don’t feel well, helping them with homework, a messy house, the never ending laundry, the cost to buy school clothes, packing their lunches....

You watch their eyes light up on Christmas morning....and try to soak in the  magic of those moments. 

You coach them in sports, rushing to practices and ballgames...and tote them all over the country to let them play the game they love...no matter how exhausting or expensive it becomes. 

Life is just so busy that you rarely even  stop to think what the end of those days look like. 

In fact, it’s not really even something you can wrap your mind around. 

You go into it thinking that 18-20 years sounds like a long time....

Then suddenly hours turn into days...days into months...and months into years.

That little person that used to crawl up next to you in bed and cuddle up to watch cartoons...suddenly becomes this young adult who hugs you in the hallway as they come and go. 

And the chaos and laughter that used to echo throughout your home....gets filled with silence and solitude. 

You’ve learned how to parent a child who needs you to care for and protect them....but have no clue how the whole “letting go” thing is supposed to work.

So you hold on as tight as you can...wondering how time passed so quickly...feeling guilty that you missed something....

Because even though you had 20 years.....it just somehow doesn’t seem like it was enough.

You ask yourself so many questions...

Did you teach them the right lessons? 

Did you read them enough books as a child? 

Spend enough time playing with them? 

How many school parties did you have to miss? 

Do they really know how much you love them? 

What could I have done better as a parent? 

.....When it’s time for them to go, it all hits you like a ton of bricks.

And all you can do is pray....hope....and trust that God will protect them as they start to make their way into the world alone.

Parenting is by far the most amazing experience of your life....that at times leaves you exhilarated....while others leave you heartbroken. 

But one thing is certain.....it’s never enough time...💕

So for all the parents with young children...whose days are spent trying to figure out how to make it through the madness...

Exhausted day in and day out...

Soak. It. All. In. 

Because one day....all those crazy days full of cartoons, snuggles, sleep overs, Christmas morning magic, ballgames, practices and late night dinners...

All come to an end. 

And you’re left hoping that you did enough  right, so that when they spread their wings....

They’ll fly...💕💕💕

Memories LOL

 

R.I.P. Audrey

My dear Audrey, 7 years ago today we met. Before that day I wrote about how badly I was ready for new adventure; boy did I find something new with you! We were introduced and with the shaking of hands all I could see were your flirty eyes! There must have been 100 other campers there, among them I made many new friends that weekend. However in you, I found someone who - like me - had been recently hurt and we both were left a little damaged. We stayed up way past midnight that first night star gazing and talking and laughing! You know how happy you made me that night, because the next two nights we spent the nights sharing and building a great friendship. You were a very important addition to my life and it was too bad you and I lost some time when your girlfriend was so jealous. But then the last two years of your life we had our friendship back and I’ll never forget how special that was. I hope you knew how much I loved you and how thankful I was for you in my life. Today I smile and share those memories in my head, tonight’s margarita I toast you and us. Fish on my dear friend, in the heavenly streams and lake. Catch a big one! 🐟 🎣 🚣‍♂️

written 7/17/2020 - published 2/16/2024
I wonder if everyone knew what was really going through Me, inside my head. Do they see the things  that I miss so deeply in my life? I have so many desires and I had so many goals and it’s sad that I didn’t reach most all of them and the desire’s are just memories of things from the past. Surprisingly it is the past that I find my comfort not the present nor do I see it in my future. Sure I see things that will bring me happy times, and I know I won’t be completely alone. The reason I say this is I will find places that accept me for me, people who will be-friend me just because they see something good in me. I describe my feelings like I’ve been trying to swim upstream or climbing up a waterfall and there’s just so much resistance that there’s no way I’m gonna make it to the other end or yo the top. I don’t want to keep trying to go up that hill that’s never ending. I don’t want to see the ones that I love not be at the top holding their arms out to embrace me. You can’t remove, And you cannot replace something good for something bad that happened in your past. Memories are all that I have and yet I feel they are alive. I feel that if I close my eyes and I think of that one or two or 5000 memories that made me so happy I can feel them and I can taste them and I can smell them and I can hold them much longer then when my eyes are open and continue going about my day. I am buying time, I am working until I retire, and then I will takeoff. With telecommuting and teleworking from home I can live anywhere and still work. So if they make it possible to do that I just may, I just may go somewhere, where the air feels right and the sky looks appealing and the people are familiar. I wish I could do that tomorrow. A birthday is coming up, another birthday that I’m not a part of. I think that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or maybe it’s just the silence. So much fucking silence! What I’d do and what I’d give just to hear that sweet voice again. To hear the laugh and see those beautiful blue eyes and that smile! I hold onto hope. Is it really too late?

Covid19

Just so I NEVER forget........April 2,2020.

* Gas price a mile from home was under $2.35
* School cancelled, with No return this year to finish this school year (no graduation, no prom, no senior skip day distance learning in place)
* Many parents and grandparents are learning to juggle working from home with homeschooling
* Self-distancing measures on the rise
* Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other
* Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors
* Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed
* Parks, trails, entire cities locked up
* Entire sports seasons cancelled at various school and professional levels (NBA, UFC, NHRA, MLB, Hockey all of it)
* Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled
* Weddings, funerals, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled, postponed or limited to 10 people
*No masses, churches are closed, and preachers jailed for allowing large gatherings. Online services only available
* Shouldn't socialize with anyone outside of your home
* Children's outdoor play parks are closed, no play dates or just hanging outside
* We are to distance from each other
* Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers
* Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill
* No visitors allowed in hospitals or nursing homes to visit sick or dying loved ones
* Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer
* Shelves are bare, but getting better
* Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE
* Government closes the border to all non-essential travel
* Fines are established for breaking the rules
* Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients
* Press conferences daily from the President and governor. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths
* Government incentives to stay home
* Barely anyone on the roads
* People asked to wear masks when outside
* Essential service workers are terrified to go to work, while medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Corona virus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this post?

One day I’ll read this, and it will be a reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one! ❤️

So I can't live with mom. I will when she is not able to care for herself. Until then I just can't. I'll keep things at her house so I can stay here now and then, but she's an old lady extremely set in her ways, with no bending, so it drives me crazy. She also has these weird habits of going behind me picking up my things - cup, spoon, snack, napkin, whatever is mine! and literally, at times, I've wanted to put her in time out! She also has zero knowledge of things acceptable to watch on tv. Sure, her jeopardy is fine, but she challenges herself each day to answer correctly and when she is super proud of how many answers she got correct, she will remind you for hours - up to days. Now her favorite show is a realty show called 90 day fiancé. Shoot me now! It’s on Friday night - reruns. It’s on Saturday night -new episodes. It’s on Monday night - as ‘pillow talk’ where previous cast watch last nights show. No. Just NO! And did I mention moms hard of hearing? Yeah the volume is at #40.
The point is, mom is no where ready to have someone move in. In fact, I feel most times she would just prefer I not be there! I guess it’s my fault because I can’t communicate with her on the type of topics mom brings up. I also like to watch my show with no one talking to me, is that asking for a lot? The list goes on and the outcome is: when it’s time I’ll take care of her. Until then 3 or 4 hour visits will have to do. I love you mom, but you are a lot, but you enjoy that place you are at. We’ll just let things lay as they do for now.
So, I stay at my house that I own with Nikki. Until
It sells. Maybe I’ll look into a one bedroom apartment afterwards.
I am ready to be Alive! To laugh with friends and enjoy a cocktail now and again. To watch a tv show it listen to music with whatever I want.
Week two in two days since hip surgery so still have recovering to do, but with another mind twist! It never gets boring
WenDee

One week post op

So this time last week I was very nervous but also full of sadness and skepticism and anger. For many reasons. I found myself thinking something will happen tomorrow. My friends and family will tell you it was because of my fear of an infection and of a blot clot. I believed I’d have a stroke or not recovery from anesthesia. I woke up, however, and I feared I was dying. I was crying and calling out and telling everyone that I could not breathe. I believed it. And yet, here I am. Awake. My number hasn’t been called, yet. I’m still scared that an infection is going to take over and destroy the

remaining tissue around my hip and the prosthetic will fail and I will die. Or a blood clot will
Appear and disengage and destroy my brain in seconds and I will be gone. But right now I’m here. And forget all the reasons that should be reason enough, I have to believe that there is a reason. Why has this pivot occurred and where am I going?! Well all I can say is we’ll see. There are many naysayers who, for some weird and strange reason still watch me perform on my stage and try to boo me off instead of picking up your hat and leave the show! You see I don’t care that I’m too much for you or I’m too dramatic for you or if you watch me in disgust saying “she’s always the victim” as you munch on snacks but don’t change the channel. It doesn’t concern me that you don’t get me, or like me, or mock me or backstab me. These are your choices and not mine. I’ve here for ME. For my genuine friends. For my family who never fail to show up. For my sons and my grandchildren and for you if you want or need me. There is a change on the horizon and as this wind has blown me here and there before, I will allow it to once again bask over me and direct me as I grab onto the hand of God and the feather of hope. One promise. I will fail over and over again. But if I’m physically and mentally able, I will rise and move forward, one step at a time.

And for some typical wenDee, here are my 7 days in photos. I love you.